Today is One of My Bad Days

Sometimes I think wearing it on my forehead would prompt the world to be a little kinder, a little more gentle, a little more loving…I don’t know.

Today is one of my bad days; living with #bipolar disorder 1 can be a living nightmare sometimes. Over the past month I have been doing everything I can to hold myself up; to stand upright in the whirlwind of my life. I don’t want to cower and whimper and make myself small as I have in recent years. I don’t want depression to take my voice away this year. I don’t want depression to make me numb this year. I don’t want depression to isolate me this year. I don’t want to feel as though I am at the mercy of my thoughts and moods and not them me.

This year I’ve resolved to fight back, to not just audibly tell the voice in my head that only I hear to “shut up” but to bend it into submission; to me.

Though I’ve left the guilt I used to feel to taking days off when I’m not well in 2020; on days like this I get a little scared that if I relent on fighting this one day, one day will become two, then become a month and 💥 before I realize I have submitted to this thing again. And #ongod I refuse to do that again.

This is my 5th year in this country and #mentalillness has robbed me of too much of my goals and while the time cannot be taken back I’m going to fight tooth and nail for the remaining years. If you know the story of the Chinese bamboo you’ll understand why this 5th year is significant to me. This is my year of exponential growth come hell or high water.
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mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #bipolardisorderawareness #immigration #immigrant #growthmindset #faithit

Find one thing to be grateful for today and I promise it’ll feel a little less hopeless

Things are Starting to Feel Heavy

Heavier maybe. In early November I started to feel the shift beginning and I tried together my ducks in a row accordingly. I think it was November that Mr. D (Depression) sent a reminder of his impending visit and I think he too was a little annoyed at the fact that I was hoping and acting as though he mightn’t visit this year. He was right. I feel as though this past manic season was the best I have had in over 5 years as I didn’t have any major breakdowns, I didn’t run off without telling anyone, I managed my hyper-sexuality well, I didn’t start any new businesses or incur anymore debt. I did good this year; even if it’s only me who understands that.

Things started to feel heavier and I didn’t have the energy to maintain my 7 day per week work schedule and consequently started dropping some stuff. I definitely trimmed the fat and tried to create a more realistic schedule based on my energy levels. But as all things with bipolarity we tend to overdo it and it’s finding the right balance that we struggle with. I went from 7 days a week to 2. Yes, you read that right. I was exhausted from all the picking and dropping I was doing for my sister and working on average 2 days per week. It might not sound like a lot but for this time of the year it’s a WHOLE LOT.

Between dating and my sister I wasn’t finding much ME time or ME space and I struggled with being elated and happy to have them both around to wishing they could be around while I exist close enough to them but in like my own private bubble. It’s hard to reconcile loving them and enjoying their company in one breath and wishing there was a 25th hour in the day just for me and better yet; an 8th day in the week where only I existed.

I was growing tired of feeling as though I am at their service; cooking, existing… everything. It’s this part of being me that I often struggle with explaining to others. If you’ve read my bio, you’d see where I said I love people but I honestly don’t quite like them. I love them as a whole but I haven’t much tolerance for them existing. I suppose this is where the selfish loner and sensitive INTJ part comes around. I love my sister with all I know how and it was an absolute joy and blessing having her around but I don’t know how long my sanity would’ve survived. I love my partner and I enjoy the time that we share but I don’t think I’d cope with more time (laughs while covering mouth and eyes). It’s my truth and I won’t pretend it’s anything else. If I had to see anyone all day, everyday; I’d strip myself and run off into the woods barefooted and wild and never look back. If I had to entertain another human for anything longer than a few hours per day my soul would melt away from my body and leave it hanging; empty…hollow.

I love humans but I don’t like them.

I say them; knowing full well that I am dissociating from the parts of me that are considered human because I’m not sure I’ll ever truly accept that the things I dislike most about myself are the things that make me them; human (eew) haha

Well, exactly one week ago I found out a close friend and past lover died. I wept uncontrollably for a few hours and the tears threaten even now as I write. I messaged and called a dead man over and over and over for over a month. We live in different countries you see and as adults with budding lives , careers and family, we’d connect at least once per week with a little check in chat and had our once a month video call to see that the other is actually still alive and getting fatter (Me) and leaner (him). We held space for vulnerability, bounced ideas off each other, talked about our current lovers and the occasional venture into our crazy families. We were good. Its was good. I’m happy and grateful to have met him and known the parts of him that he shared and I’ll honour the memories we shared forever.

The tears dried up within two days though; as I learnt things about his life that he chose not to share. I went from heartbreak over his death and my lack of knowledge about it for well over a month, to rage at the circumstances surrounding his passing; I refuse to believe he drowned; he was top of his class and cohort; a diver of his caliber doesn’t drown in a fucking harbour! *breathes* if my chest is to believe; I think I am still angry. The emotion I feel the most however is uncertainty, if that’s even an emotion. I feel as though I only knew a fraction of the man I called friend because the parts of his life that he chose not to share were such big parts and I’m torn trying to rationalize why he felt the need to keep those away from me.

Was I a horrible friend who would ruin it for him with my pessimistic views on the unnaturalness of monagamy?? Was I not as close to him as I thought I was?? Who was this person even? Who was I to them? What is even true and what’s not? and how dare he die without any notice? Yes, at 27 years old, I still ask these illogical questions and a part of me would really like some answers…from the dead.

A symptom of my disorder is hallucinating. Every time I have been alone since I’m both terrified and hopeful that my brain will conjure up his likeness…we deserve one last conversation…one last “I only want to see you happy” one last “I love you”

Cue the snotty nose and leaky eye faucet

Dear Kenard,

I’ve been meaning to write you since I found out about your transitioning. You know I believe souls never die and you always read my blog to keep up with my madness so I hope you’re checking in now. The parts of me that believe in magic and parallel universes and the endlessness of souls are feeling quite comforted right now having finally sat to pen this. I imagine you’re reading over my shoulder right now waiting for me to get to the point and stop being so long winded. But I shan’t. You can’t rush my thoughts along anymore with the “Mani, I’m gonna have to let you go soon because work work work”. I imagine you’re restless as a soul and can’t wait to be reborn into a body so you can go to work again, dive again, study again. I imagine you’re trying to figure out how to expedite the resting in peace part and figuring out what’s next for you in this realm that I’m still in.

But Kennybear if I could say anything and you’d listen; I’d tell you to go smoke some weed; I hope the soul version is even doper than ours lol. I’d tell you to go spend your days watching Kyra grow up and if there’s anyway to communicate tell (show) her how much you love her, and how much you believe she is beautiful and smart and talented and that she can do amazing and positively impactful things in this life.

If you’re reading this; send me a sign that you’re fine and that you’ll at least consider the resting part of the RIP thing.

I love you KP,

Mani.

❤️

What if we could?

What if we could walk away from trauma?

What if we could fly away from hurt?

What if we could swim away from pain?

What if we could run away from all the torturous familiarity?


What if we could learn a new language that has no words that we’ve encoded in this trauma chain we drag around?

I weighed my baggage overnight, removed what I found irrelevant but was still overweight as I tried to fly…

Maybe I’m trying to hide them and leave them in every beautiful place I travel to in this world.

For everything I found beautiful was dangerous and shrouded with a majestic mystery that captured every piece of me.

Of nature I was born and to nature I’ll always return

If My Love Is Hurting You

If my love is hurting you
Don’t let us sit in the silence
If my love is hurting you
Tell me, show me, how can we fix it?
If my love is hurting you
Forgive me, my love
It was never my intention to love you wrong
So baby, if my love is hurting you
Let me emancipate you…go

Writing prompt from IG

Travel Goals

Next year my travel goals include
going to indigenous majority areas to immerse myself into their culture, and belief systems. As someone living with a mental illness that comes with positive symptoms (things not usually experienced by others; hallucinations, a undeniably strong connection to things that don’t talk – to others; etc) I have been encouraged my many a spiritual person to lean into these things more and I want to see what that might look like to a community that doesn’t medicate away these experiences but welcome and embrace them.

Now that’s not something most mental health professionals recommend because medication and treatment compliance is already a challenging thing for persons living with a #mentalillness especially #bipolardisoder
However, I feel confident in where I am in my treatment plan and on my journey with stability.

Feelings Suck!

I like apathetic me better.

Well, right now I do. I don’t know that that statement holds true all the time.

Urrghhh, I’m all worked up and upset and just icky with all these feelings clutching onto my little heart. I hope they don’t take up residency. I don’t think I have anymore room for unwanted emotions and feelings. I think I have enough filed away to last me a lifetime.

Why do I though? File them away that is? Why can’t I just sit with them and let them flow through me?

Why do I catalog these big, dirty, ugly feelings? Why do I store them as though they are somehow valuable? Why do I honour and treasure pain and torment?

I don’t think I store enough happy feelings, I don’t re tell the happy memories over and over again to every living that that will listen; so why do I perpetually reminisce on the horrible stuff?? Why do I continually relive those events I deemed traumatic??

😔😫 these big feelings are bursting out my chest right now and I don’t know how to deal…

Pray for me I guess 🤷🏾‍♀️

What do non religious people say instead of pray for me?

How I explain bipolarity to a neuro-typical

This was inspired by a post I just read from another blogger with bipolar disorder.

When someone who doesn’t experience mental illness or bipolar disorder specifically asks me what is it like; this is what I say;

Mania

I tell them that for 6 months I’m highly productive, driven, outgoing and on my game. I have little tolerance for others and I’m terribly brash and I need far less sleep.

Depression


While for the remaining 6 months I am basically a bear hibernating. I have very little energy and zero care for anything. The apathy is all consuming and in the depths of it I’m terribly suicidal and dread waking up so I can’t sleep but I spend 10plus hours in bed willing my mind to rest.

I Don’t Hide Anymore

I hid for the last time last week

I cried for the last time in the shower

Well, lemme not be hasty haha

We all know life has a way of circling back on us

I meant to say; I won’t hide from my loved ones anymore

I’ll cry and let them sit with me.

I wasn’t comforted much as a child crying

It was a shameful act

It was coward, selfish, and totally unacceptable

Now, in this my 26th year

I’ve completely let go those notions and I now

I won’t hide and cry anymore.

I’ll weep when I’m the character in the movie I’m watching got their happy ending

I’ll bawl for the man in the book who died putting everyone else first

Son son why? You should’ve let the bastard burn

I never got over that ending “My Father Sun Sun Johnson”

Tragic. He should’ve let than man burn.

I want to feel out in the open and I want others to know they too can feel out in the open with me

Or alone sitting by me but not with me

You know what I mean?

Close enough to not be entirely alone

But not close enough to smother me

I want to feel my big feelings right out in the open and I want you to be ok with that.

Yes; you; the reader.

Feel your feelings on the outside

You Deserve It

You know; that someone who makes a fuss over ya

That person who thinks everyday with you is a special day

That person who thinks you’re the sunshine on a cold winter day

That person who thinks you’re the breeze on a hot day in the tropics

That person who feels like the sun; like home, like safety

Dear Faith,

You deserve it.

I deserve it.

Ugly

Why do I think they must have found them ugly?

For if humans are so mean to each other

what might cause them to spare the trees?

So brown and barren they seem

Their gawky limbs outstretched

Scrawny and brittle

they snap under our hands and feet…

drearier than the sad clouds they sit beneath

Oh how they must have found them ugly

These dreadful humans who constantly complain about the weather,

For how dare Mother Nature exist as she?

We can’t always thrive, sometimes we must simply survive

Reclaiming My Leisure

Since August of this year I have gone back into business for myself full time and it has required being constantly on the go, always taking calls and replying to messages, keeping up with content on the social media pages and just being available all the time to my clients.

I don’t like it.

There. I said it. I don’t like it. The last time I was sitting leisurely writing poetry was that September camping trip to Algonquin. The last time I truly leaned into leisure. If only for a few hours.

I took 10 days off after that and went to see Banff but as I introspect now that wasn’t very leisurely as I was constantly on the go sight seeing and doing activities and engaging with other people which meant managing self and self impressions. Sighs. I’m tired. It’s usually around this time of the year that I start to wind down and my soul starts to prepare for our 6 months of “hibernation” aka when Mr. D visits.

For those new here, Mr. D is what I call Depression. Bipolarity presents with two major symptoms or moods; Depression and Mania. Depression often comes with Anxiety and actually so does Mania.

I’m currently in the upper mood cycle of this illness and so I’m predominantly high energy, outgoing, interactive, productive, super kind, and inviting and all around open to new experiences. You know the whole love and light shit.

As winter approaches; I’m a winter solstice baby, the pendulum of my emotions and energy levels start to swing ever so gently the other way. Towards Mr. D. I’m mindful of it and I hope beyond hope that this year will be the year that I don’t have to contend with Depression or that it would be mild; manageable.

I’m particularly hopeful this year because I can truly say that this has been one of the better years of mania. I did spend excessively, I did do a multitude of things all the time, I did talk a lot and do the most lol but I didn’t have any breakdowns, I didn’t get into any fights, I didn’t burn the earth down, I didn’t quit any jobs, I wasn’t particularly irritable (well, not for any extended period) and all in all I kept it together this year. Better than any year I can remember. So I’d consider this year a success at managing Lady M – Mania.

Where I am presently, I need more downtime for sure and I might need to find someone to work for me doing the evening jobs as I’m feeling more and more exhausted lately and less and less like I’ll be able to manage my day clients and these evening contracts. So where that is concerned I need to find cover at least by mid to late December.

As I am writing to you now, I worked all day yesterday converting my walk in closet to a bedroom and my house is a mess with all the clothes and shoes from the closet and I’m so so tired and just need a day to lay down and do nothing. However, I have a client meal prep to do today which means grocery shopping and being over the stove for 4 plus hours. I’m super grateful for my work and I absolutely love what I do for my day clients but I’m weary of the evening jobs and the exhaustion I’ve been feeling. As I write now I’m perturbed about wasting time writing when there is so much to be done.

If you pray, pray for me as I walk this line of sanity and insanity. As I tread this line of working too much and working too little, of caring too much and caring too little, of doing the most and not doing enough.

Praying for strength and wisdom to do what’s right for me ❤️

I pray my musings meet you in good spirits.

– Faith

#faithit

B.B.A – Body Before Antipsychotics

I’d rather be fatter and sane than slim and bat shit crazy

Can we agree to stop telling people they have gained weight? Do we really think others don’t look in the mirror and know that they have been getting fatter? Do we think that they believe their clothes are shrinking and not that they are expanding?

Sighs, listen; I’m so so grateful to this body for holding me up and keeping me together through it all. Let me live ok.

I assure you; we know we are getting fat. Thanks for pointing out the obvious 😒

We’re good over here 😇

It’s My Aunties For Me

It’s my aunties for me
I revere you
Always on my pedestal
There when I needed you most
You scattered your roses right here on earth
You bent over backwards to make sure we ate
Never the dependent
I admired my aunties especially you two of late.
I know today is your day but
I hope you guys meet
Up there in glory
And share all the good food you loved to eat
We learnt how to cook
And keep our place clean.
We held our head high
And we rode out our storms together until their end was nigh
I love you auntie
And I pray
We may live the way you did;
laughing a lot,
Always dressed well,
working hard for what we want
Constantly learning and improving until the very end.

Yu Gonplei Ste Odon –
Your fight is over.

“In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again”

Dear My Inner Child


I am letting go the resentment I harbour towards my parents for having 5 children in poverty and never working hard enough nor consistently enough to take care of all our basic needs and using us as beggars to the rest of the family to support us all.

I’m letting go of feeling as though I’m the primary caregiver to my 4 younger siblings and carrying the weight of their academic and financial success on my shoulders.

I’m letting go of being and acting tough and calloused emotionally so as not to automatically disqualify myself from the love and support that I deserve

Letting it go

I Want to be with Someone Who

Makes me feel secure enough to be soft

Makes me feel safe enough to put my armour down, for I already destroyed my walls

I want to be with someone who reveres my divine femininity and firm masculinity

I want to be with someone who sees God in me

I want to be with someone that makes my soul happy

I want to feel profound peace with them

I want to discuss our life paths and plans

I want to make shared long term goals with them

I want long cuddles, tight hugs and lots of forehead kisses from them

I want to be nothing to them yet mean the world

For I dare not be your sunshine on dark days nor your reason for living

I need someone whole.

Pondering

Dear Nature

I love how wild and untamed you are

How pristinely you take up space everywhere

I love how bipolar you are; hot one minute, cold the next and raging fuxking mad another

I love how you just don’t give shit about existing the way you do.

I love how you carve paths for waterways where none existed before

I love how self sufficient you are

Your brilliance is unmistakable

Distinctively remarkable and breathtaking

Women swoon over you
Men admire you

And we all dare to be like you.

Love,
Faith

Mt. Norquay, Banff, Alberta

Home is Where the He-Art Is

They say; home is where the heart is

My he-Art is always with me

Within me

Sometimes buried deep

Sometimes right there on the surface of my chest

Slightly left, towards the centre

Right there; that’s my heart

This is my he-art

Do you feel it?

Maybe, you can even see it.

Strapped in right behind bones of steel

Protected fiercely by my ribs.

My soul bows daily to it’s love and devotion to keeping us safe and sane.

This is my he-art

On paper

Always with me

Sometimes with you…

always home.

This is my He-Art

This is My God

I rose with daylight

An especially gentle and peaceful awakening

There were no bizarre sounds

Nothing loud and irreverent

The morning drizzle pettered on

Every so slowly, it was certainly in no rush

Isn’t that poignant

Somehow a remarkable lesson from nature

I think it is.

I’ve never seen nature rush, never in a hurry

She carries herself regally, gentle and quiet at times

And raging powerfully at other times

And if nature hasn’t shown it’s bipolarity

Well if you haven’t noticed nature’s bipolarity

I think we haven’t paid enough attention to her.

I rose regardless of the rain to watch the suns steady arrival over the horizon

She tired but for an hour

But alas the rain clouds won over

And as I watch the light pinkness disappear

I salute her bravery for showing up

Every fucking day

This, this my friend is my God.

This is my God

I Still Love My Husband

As I do all my exes

And as I do all the amazing people in my life.

I still love my husband as a human I got to close to and want the absolute best for,

I still love my husband as a person I empathize with and can show compassion towards,

I still love my husband but not enough…

Not enough to endure the emotional and verbal abuse,

Not enough to be his entire world,

Not enough to live in a place that doesn’t feel like home,

Not enough to sacrifice my peace and relative sanity,

I still love my husband; just not unconditionally.

I wish you all the beautiful things life has to offer; I wish you peace. ♥️

Is It Only He Who Can Love Me?

I often share about how much I love myself, truthfully I’m not lacking in the self love nor loathing department lol. Lady M and Mr. D has those locked. Together we’ve found the perfect balance of “we’re good over here”.

What I often contend with emotionally though is feeling or being too much for others. I have some amazing friends that have been there with me through and through but partners? not yet

I try to use – not yet, so as not to write myself out of what the universe has in store for me while I sit with these big feelings. I haven’t been pursued seriously in quite a while. I spent a little over a year in a marriage that I am still mulling over. I’m still trying to answer the why question as we were vastly incompatible and I went into it eyes wide open knowing full well I have nothing in common with this person but the fact that we are both “disabled” (I prefer the term differently abled, but for ease of communication I’ll stick to the former).

When asked why I married this man; my response was primarily that he understood the challenges I faced with dealing with life and others as a person with an illness that is often debilitating and I always felt safe being honest with him about what I was going through and you know what? Feeling heard and understood doesn’t come around often so I leaned into that.

I got married to a man I didn’t have romantic feelings for simply because he listened and he understood me or at least he tried. That was something I loved deeply with my Dad and it was comforting finding it in a partner.

Well, here I am now, 26 and separated and hating the world of dating because I either feel like just a piece of meat or too much for these immature men.

All I’m saying now is;

God I see what you’re doing for others and I’m praying for patience as you continue working on what you’re going to do for me.

And while I wait on a love that only God has thus far given me I pray that I continue to grow into the person I am to be. I pray that I learn to stay on this bull of bipolarity and to be excellent regardless. I pray that I never lose hope in achieving my four big life goals no matter how far they may seem away.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

To change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

🌻 lean towards the sun baby

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