Mental Health Check in

I don’t even know how I’m doing it at this point. But best believe I am.

Having a routine is very important for staying productive and excelling living with a mental illness. Today, I am happy and grateful to live in this country 🇨🇦 as it has opened the doors to opportunities for me to live my dreams every single day and most importantly I have access to affordable and good healthcare. My therapist and I worked on my schedule in summer when I was manic because I told her I don’t want to lose my momentum again this year when depression sets in and I was consistent and disciplined and look at me now kicking depression’s lazy, tired bum 🤸🏾‍♀️😃

People often think depression means sadness. On the contrary, depression is exhaustion, mental fatigue and fogginess.

Depression is needing 10hrs of sleep vs 5-8hrs during mania

Depression is enjoying my solitude even more. Being much more crass about wasting my time on frivolous conversations and get togethers with people I don’t even like 🤣. Yeah, it’s a no for me.

Depression is ignoring calls and texts from the empty people. The people who call just to make noise blah blah blah
Idgaf about the weather; it is free to exists as it sees best. Idgaf about your relationship problems; leave di bwoi or gal and stop telling me how unhappy you are.

Depression is art. It’s diving deep into my soul and working on my healing and personal growth away from all the noise and people.

Alright mi done now. Yuh must get it. ✌🏾

Model

I’m mid twenties and a model. My personal brand epitomizes the strength of a young woman with an “invisible” disability who shares her journey to self actualization while not just coping but thriving. I believe my transparency has inspired and continues to inspire others to commit to their goals regardless of their personal afflictions or perceived weaknesses.

Faith

Model

I’m mid twenties and a model. My personal brand epitomizes the strength of a young woman with an “invisible” disability who shares her journey to self actualization while not just coping but thriving. I believe my transparency has inspired and continues to inspire others to commit to their goals regardless of their personal afflictions or perceived weaknesses.

Faith

What He Should Have Said

You belong here

You earned this just as much as anyone else here

You are a excellent as the rest

You bring value to this team

You are competent in areas we are lacking and we are happy and grateful you decided to join us

Instead I was told;

You’re too egotistic. It’s likely your greatest flaw but has the potential to be your greatest strength for a scientist needs to be audacious.

You have to work 3x as hard as the others.

You started 4 months late but you need to be on the same page as everyone else

No Shit.

Wear It Like the Moon

I wear my darkness like the moon

I wear my darkness as though it serenades me

I wear my darkness like the most expensive headdress

I wear my darkness not like an armour but like the moon does

Like it serves me and not the other way around

Wear It Like the Moon

I wear my darkness like the moon

I wear my darkness as though it serenades me

I wear my darkness like the most expensive headdress

I wear my darkness not like an armour but like the moon does

Like it serves me and not the other way around

POC

Person of Colour

How is that not the same as calling me coloured?

How is that not the same as labeling me; nigger

The “little nigger baby”

Honestly, I think knowledge of history has traumatized me

I think the saying “ignorance is bliss” finally makes sense

There is a reason why some folks are blissful…

Naive.

Living in this country I feel as though slavery never ended

It just evolved

Haha

It just changed form

But, it’s still very much here

Segregation and apartheid like circumstances still exist

They just got better at hiding it

I still meet the house slaves

Who swear upon their lives that they are “free”

Poor thing.

I’m human.

That’s it. The end.

Reassurance

Every now and then I have a sort of revelation; like a lightbulb goes off in my head, or I’m alone musing and I Wah my finger and nod my head and say “ahhhh!” And I chuckle because some part of me knows that everyone else has probably figured that out by now but hey, repetition is the art of consistency and comprehension and habit formation.

Well, I have had this idea for a while that everyone we meet is an extension of ourselves, they are a part of us in a reflection kinda way. You know, the things we see in them are the things we see in ourselves. I hope I haven’t lost you.

Dissociating

I’m so good at running on autopilot; Living with my VR googles on…Sometimes my eyes gloss over and it looks like I’m seeing but I really am not. Dissociating a lot lately 😟

I remember hanging out with a friend I’d met on my first stint in Canada 2015. I was manic that entire year 🤷🏾‍♀️ – undiagnosed and untreated. He was reminiscing about some of the stuff we did and I had little to no recollection of those events 😄 he had pictures and messages to prove it happened. Me: Ooops 🤷🏾‍♀️ I must have been dissociating. Which often happens unconsciously due to stress. My logic is, the brain does this to protect me from the stress so I can continue living and functioning relatively “normally”.

A Writer Writes

Well, I’d like think of myself as a writer. Many who know me a little know that I am an aspiring many things haha. Writer, Psychologist, Adventure traveller, etc etc. I’m sure y’all have seen my audacious ‘goals’ often enough. I haven’t written in this online space for a while.  As I am always frank, I wasn’t sure I had anything worth sharing. I have been off my high horse and the reality of the things I messed up during my ‘high’ came knocking forcefully at my door. My closing statement to friendships that meant the world to me this time around was something like “I do not want to be your friend anymore, not even associates because x, y, x, y…” lol. I am the centre of the universe in my own tortured mind…

Well, as usual, God has been gracious to me. I have since reached out to some friends and  some have forgiven me. As for the others, I’m still hopefully waiting. My relationship with my aunt has been one that I messed up two years ago and I still have no idea how to repair it but I am hopeful.

Anyho, as to what I have been up to and the lessons I am slowly learning; let’s just say feelings are fleeting and some should not be hung unto. I think I have said this many times over in my sharing but it is so pertinent that I think repetition can only be good.

 

Suicide on Paper…Again

Well, the last time I wrote a post with this title was in early 2018. I was a graduate student in my very first semester and had just been diagnosed a few months prior and if you have had experiences with psychiatry and treating mental illnesses I think we can agree that it’s a major experiment.

Not to shit on the practice but because the very nature of the illness cannot really be quantified or be made visible/ tangible, doctors pretty much roll the dices and write you a prescription based on your symptoms and truthfully it’s a gamble, a real hit or miss. I can’t really say how I have survived these past few years since, I often forget chunks of myself these days and perhaps that is the reason why I journal so intensely.

My experience with suicidality isn’t novel in anyway, I have reconciled that no matter how my life is going this thanatos will always be ever present. I genuinely applaud those of us who live life as full as we can all while going to bed with this desire. By the way, let’s just get it out there that the shut down and quarantine was great for my mental health

How do I Stop Waiting?

Honestly, please tell me.

I don’t like existing like this.

I don’t like that I wait to hear from you,

I don’t like that I watch my phone waiting on you to call or text.

I don’t like that I exhale as though I was holding my breath when I finally hear your voice

I don’t like that my chest gets tight with anxiety; trepidation almost that I am never going to hear from you…

What the fuck is this? I don’t like it

Whew. Breathe Imani.

breathe. Please.

I just cant ….

Ghost Everyone & Focus

Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”

Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.

I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.

Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :

  1. Earn my PhD by age 30
  2. Own multiple successful businesses
  3. Retire at 40 on my ranch &
  4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.

This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾‍♀️😇🙏🏾

imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth

Ghost Everyone & Focus

Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”

Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.

I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.

Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :

  1. Earn my PhD by age 30
  2. Own multiple successful businesses
  3. Retire at 40 on my ranch &
  4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.

This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾‍♀️😇🙏🏾

imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth

Ghost Everyone & Focus

Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”

Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.

I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.

Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :

  1. Earn my PhD by age 30
  2. Own multiple successful businesses
  3. Retire at 40 on my ranch &
  4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.

This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾‍♀️😇🙏🏾

imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth

I Love That You…

Make me wanna write poetry,

Make me never wanna say never again.

I love that you are patient

I love that you are kind

I love that you are caring

Truthfully, you’re bordering on divine…

Old McDonald had a farm e i e i o

Hahaha

Written beneath the pitch of your voice

I hear your sheer concern

I’m grateful for your not so gentle rebuke

It is indeed right to reproach the err in your “friends”

For only so we grow

And become

Become all that we’re destined to be.

I like looking at your boyish face

Your eyes betray more than you hide behind your eyes

Look at me

Look at me damn it

I mean, look at me love 😄

For I enjoy dining on your soul

The energetic tango that our spirits dance to we have not yet learnt in this realm

Ah, you said “but oh, it is not at all new, for my soul knew yours before I met you.”

Let us strive to honour that within the other

To love and let love grow

To relax and be uninhibited

For life is already too riddled with nos, nevers and wonts

Let us honour the I in each other

Bow down to the god in the other

For we are definitely not Kings and Queens

We are are gods and goddesses

Emperors and Empresses

The white man’s kings and queens weren’t powerful;

Naw, they were savages.

Projecting their insecurities and laziness

And my love; we most definitely aren’t that.

With all the love I have to give,

❤️

Mani 🤗

P.S. I darent write three words, so I wrote four.

Thanks for the Antidote

Grandma…

Thanks for petitioning God on my behalf.

Thanks for giving me the gift of stability and sobriety.

Thanks for the itching insoles.

Teeny says it means I’ll be travelling soon

God knows I need to move.

I fear stagnating,

I quite literally feel as though my being will shatter into a gazillion atoms and I’ll just dissipate like water…

Grandma, your rest gave me the strength to wake up and face my life and declare my dreams into existence

You gave me the antidote to antipathy towards life

I no longer fear my destiny

I own it.

I embrace it fully.

Your rest gave me the antidote to stay smoke free and sober.

I was never a drunk but I was certainly intoxicated and immobilized by fear and desperation.

I often felt as though I was struggling against the tide of my vision and the currents of my divine direction.

In your transitioning, you reminded me that I’m an excellent swimmer,

And for that “Gram-ma!”

I’m forever grateful.

Rest in Power.

Your infinite capacity for love, abundance and forgiveness lives on.

Te quiero.

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