Rapid Cycling – What it’s really like

Rapid Cycling is the worst part of this disorder. It’s exhausting; mentally and physically. I still haven’t quite figured out what triggers these episodes and I’m journaling to remain mindful so I can crack the code lol

During rapid cycling I experience numerous mood swings from mania to depression. I get weepy, happy, angry, frustrated, irritable, sad, elated! And the list goes on. I feel completely out of control and to be honest, I don’t want anyone around because I may very well take that out on them consciously or unconsciously.

Yesterday was one of those days and by 12 in the afternoon I was exhausted. I don’t mean tired, I mean just done, running on E.

I laid in the sofa and cried for 3 hours yup. 3 hrs. I hate it. Because I have things to do and this version of me is not my favourite at all.

But still I try. I try to be patient with myself. I try to be empathetic (with myself), I try to be understanding and I accept that hey, it’s ok to slow down sometimes; actually it’s ok to go slow ALL THE TIME.

What I hated about being around family and others in general is they constantly critique my energy levels and the speed at which I get things done. I fucking hate it. Listen, slow growth is better than no growth and I am certainly not ashamed of my speed. Dimple (my mom) told me for years over and over about how slow I was and I’m so glad we get to choose our environments after a certain age. Who gives a flying fuxk how long I take to do the dishes or clean the house or cook the food now???? 🤣🤣 Not a fucking soul and I like it! No, I fucking love it.

I’m happy and grateful I get to take life at my own pace. I’m happy and grateful I get to live the way I choose to every single day. I am happy and grateful for success in all my businesses and art. I’m happy and grateful for all the doors that are opening and have opened in my life.
I’m super happy about all the closed ones. Bye 👋🏾 Felecias 😂

My kingdom, my rules. 😄

Check out the YouTube video.

I talk about giving yourself all the things you expect from others – especially the gift of consistency, discipline and all the luxuries your pretty little heart desires.

#adulting #adult #bipolar #bipolardisorder #rapidcycling #mooddisorder #mood #mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #resilient #slowprogress #growthmindset #growth #babysteps #Youtube #youtuber

Slow progress is better than no progress

What I Want For My Birthday

So my birthday is coming up on the winter solstice and as is typical for me; I am introspecting a lot these days. I am very pensive about my big life goals:

1. Earn my PhD by age 30

2. Own multiple successful businesses

3. Retire on my ranch by age 40

4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown of Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

Yeah, I know. Audacious.

I have been very focused these last 4 months on magnifying my better habits and minimizing and eliminating my poorer habits. I use the word poorer very consciously here because these are habits of poor people. Poor people have poor habits. Or at least, I think so. I am so happy and grateful that we get to choose who we are and who we are gonna be every single day through conscious and intentional actions.

On July 16, 2020 I decided against “living it up” the drinking, partying, smoking life. I said goodbye to it.

Today, November 30, 2020, I’m saying goodbye to these poor habits ;

1. Spending on credit more than I have in debit.

2. Stockpiling food. – I buy way more food than I need all the time. I know this habit is because of food insecurity in my earlier years and I am accepting that that is no longer my reality and I won’t “run out of” food. I have more than enough food.

You have more than enough food Imani.

3. Saving last. I’ve been spending first and saving what’s left for the past month and I don’t like it. For 2 months this past summer and beginning of Fall I saved and invested first then spent after. I spent very little those two months and I felt so happy with my financial position and goals. Then big life changes happened and I struggled to find my balance again.

So cheers to gifting myself wealthier habits this Birthday 🥳 and Christmas 🎄😃😇

#babysteps #faithit #growth #growthmindset #goaldigger #success #wealth #goals #birthday #christmas

It is in trying that we do

Mental Health Check in

I don’t even know how I’m doing it at this point. But best believe I am.

Having a routine is very important for staying productive and excelling living with a mental illness. Today, I am happy and grateful to live in this country 🇨🇦 as it has opened the doors to opportunities for me to live my dreams every single day and most importantly I have access to affordable and good healthcare. My therapist and I worked on my schedule in summer when I was manic because I told her I don’t want to lose my momentum again this year when depression sets in and I was consistent and disciplined and look at me now kicking depression’s lazy, tired bum 🤸🏾‍♀️😃

People often think depression means sadness. On the contrary, depression is exhaustion, mental fatigue and fogginess.

Depression is needing 10hrs of sleep vs 5-8hrs during mania

Depression is enjoying my solitude even more. Being much more crass about wasting my time on frivolous conversations and get togethers with people I don’t even like 🤣. Yeah, it’s a no for me.

Depression is ignoring calls and texts from the empty people. The people who call just to make noise blah blah blah
Idgaf about the weather; it is free to exists as it sees best. Idgaf about your relationship problems; leave di bwoi or gal and stop telling me how unhappy you are.

Depression is art. It’s diving deep into my soul and working on my healing and personal growth away from all the noise and people.

Alright mi done now. Yuh must get it. ✌🏾

Model

I’m mid twenties and a model. My personal brand epitomizes the strength of a young woman with an “invisible” disability who shares her journey to self actualization while not just coping but thriving. I believe my transparency has inspired and continues to inspire others to commit to their goals regardless of their personal afflictions or perceived weaknesses.

Faith

Model

I’m mid twenties and a model. My personal brand epitomizes the strength of a young woman with an “invisible” disability who shares her journey to self actualization while not just coping but thriving. I believe my transparency has inspired and continues to inspire others to commit to their goals regardless of their personal afflictions or perceived weaknesses.

Faith

What He Should Have Said

You belong here

You earned this just as much as anyone else here

You are a excellent as the rest

You bring value to this team

You are competent in areas we are lacking and we are happy and grateful you decided to join us

Instead I was told;

You’re too egotistic. It’s likely your greatest flaw but has the potential to be your greatest strength for a scientist needs to be audacious.

You have to work 3x as hard as the others.

You started 4 months late but you need to be on the same page as everyone else

No Shit.

Wear It Like the Moon

I wear my darkness like the moon

I wear my darkness as though it serenades me

I wear my darkness like the most expensive headdress

I wear my darkness not like an armour but like the moon does

Like it serves me and not the other way around

Wear It Like the Moon

I wear my darkness like the moon

I wear my darkness as though it serenades me

I wear my darkness like the most expensive headdress

I wear my darkness not like an armour but like the moon does

Like it serves me and not the other way around

POC

Person of Colour

How is that not the same as calling me coloured?

How is that not the same as labeling me; nigger

The “little nigger baby”

Honestly, I think knowledge of history has traumatized me

I think the saying “ignorance is bliss” finally makes sense

There is a reason why some folks are blissful…

Naive.

Living in this country I feel as though slavery never ended

It just evolved

Haha

It just changed form

But, it’s still very much here

Segregation and apartheid like circumstances still exist

They just got better at hiding it

I still meet the house slaves

Who swear upon their lives that they are “free”

Poor thing.

I’m human.

That’s it. The end.

Reassurance

Every now and then I have a sort of revelation; like a lightbulb goes off in my head, or I’m alone musing and I Wah my finger and nod my head and say “ahhhh!” And I chuckle because some part of me knows that everyone else has probably figured that out by now but hey, repetition is the art of consistency and comprehension and habit formation.

Well, I have had this idea for a while that everyone we meet is an extension of ourselves, they are a part of us in a reflection kinda way. You know, the things we see in them are the things we see in ourselves. I hope I haven’t lost you.

Dissociating

I’m so good at running on autopilot; Living with my VR googles on…Sometimes my eyes gloss over and it looks like I’m seeing but I really am not. Dissociating a lot lately 😟

I remember hanging out with a friend I’d met on my first stint in Canada 2015. I was manic that entire year 🤷🏾‍♀️ – undiagnosed and untreated. He was reminiscing about some of the stuff we did and I had little to no recollection of those events 😄 he had pictures and messages to prove it happened. Me: Ooops 🤷🏾‍♀️ I must have been dissociating. Which often happens unconsciously due to stress. My logic is, the brain does this to protect me from the stress so I can continue living and functioning relatively “normally”.

A Writer Writes

Well, I’d like think of myself as a writer. Many who know me a little know that I am an aspiring many things haha. Writer, Psychologist, Adventure traveller, etc etc. I’m sure y’all have seen my audacious ‘goals’ often enough. I haven’t written in this online space for a while.  As I am always frank, I wasn’t sure I had anything worth sharing. I have been off my high horse and the reality of the things I messed up during my ‘high’ came knocking forcefully at my door. My closing statement to friendships that meant the world to me this time around was something like “I do not want to be your friend anymore, not even associates because x, y, x, y…” lol. I am the centre of the universe in my own tortured mind…

Well, as usual, God has been gracious to me. I have since reached out to some friends and  some have forgiven me. As for the others, I’m still hopefully waiting. My relationship with my aunt has been one that I messed up two years ago and I still have no idea how to repair it but I am hopeful.

Anyho, as to what I have been up to and the lessons I am slowly learning; let’s just say feelings are fleeting and some should not be hung unto. I think I have said this many times over in my sharing but it is so pertinent that I think repetition can only be good.

 

Suicide on Paper…Again

Well, the last time I wrote a post with this title was in early 2018. I was a graduate student in my very first semester and had just been diagnosed a few months prior and if you have had experiences with psychiatry and treating mental illnesses I think we can agree that it’s a major experiment.

Not to shit on the practice but because the very nature of the illness cannot really be quantified or be made visible/ tangible, doctors pretty much roll the dices and write you a prescription based on your symptoms and truthfully it’s a gamble, a real hit or miss. I can’t really say how I have survived these past few years since, I often forget chunks of myself these days and perhaps that is the reason why I journal so intensely.

My experience with suicidality isn’t novel in anyway, I have reconciled that no matter how my life is going this thanatos will always be ever present. I genuinely applaud those of us who live life as full as we can all while going to bed with this desire. By the way, let’s just get it out there that the shut down and quarantine was great for my mental health

How do I Stop Waiting?

Honestly, please tell me.

I don’t like existing like this.

I don’t like that I wait to hear from you,

I don’t like that I watch my phone waiting on you to call or text.

I don’t like that I exhale as though I was holding my breath when I finally hear your voice

I don’t like that my chest gets tight with anxiety; trepidation almost that I am never going to hear from you…

What the fuck is this? I don’t like it

Whew. Breathe Imani.

breathe. Please.

I just cant ….

Ghost Everyone & Focus

Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”

Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.

I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.

Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :

  1. Earn my PhD by age 30
  2. Own multiple successful businesses
  3. Retire at 40 on my ranch &
  4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.

This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾‍♀️😇🙏🏾

imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth

Ghost Everyone & Focus

Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”

Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.

I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.

Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :

  1. Earn my PhD by age 30
  2. Own multiple successful businesses
  3. Retire at 40 on my ranch &
  4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.

This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾‍♀️😇🙏🏾

imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth

Ghost Everyone & Focus

Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”

Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.

I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.

Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :

  1. Earn my PhD by age 30
  2. Own multiple successful businesses
  3. Retire at 40 on my ranch &
  4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.

This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾‍♀️😇🙏🏾

imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth

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