Since August of this year I have gone back into business for myself full time and it has required being constantly on the go, always taking calls and replying to messages, keeping up with content on the social media pages and just being available all the time to my clients.
I don’t like it.
There. I said it. I don’t like it. The last time I was sitting leisurely writing poetry was that September camping trip to Algonquin. The last time I truly leaned into leisure. If only for a few hours.
I took 10 days off after that and went to see Banff but as I introspect now that wasn’t very leisurely as I was constantly on the go sight seeing and doing activities and engaging with other people which meant managing self and self impressions. Sighs. I’m tired. It’s usually around this time of the year that I start to wind down and my soul starts to prepare for our 6 months of “hibernation” aka when Mr. D visits.
For those new here, Mr. D is what I call Depression. Bipolarity presents with two major symptoms or moods; Depression and Mania. Depression often comes with Anxiety and actually so does Mania.
I’m currently in the upper mood cycle of this illness and so I’m predominantly high energy, outgoing, interactive, productive, super kind, and inviting and all around open to new experiences. You know the whole love and light shit.
As winter approaches; I’m a winter solstice baby, the pendulum of my emotions and energy levels start to swing ever so gently the other way. Towards Mr. D. I’m mindful of it and I hope beyond hope that this year will be the year that I don’t have to contend with Depression or that it would be mild; manageable.
I’m particularly hopeful this year because I can truly say that this has been one of the better years of mania. I did spend excessively, I did do a multitude of things all the time, I did talk a lot and do the most lol but I didn’t have any breakdowns, I didn’t get into any fights, I didn’t burn the earth down, I didn’t quit any jobs, I wasn’t particularly irritable (well, not for any extended period) and all in all I kept it together this year. Better than any year I can remember. So I’d consider this year a success at managing Lady M – Mania.
Where I am presently, I need more downtime for sure and I might need to find someone to work for me doing the evening jobs as I’m feeling more and more exhausted lately and less and less like I’ll be able to manage my day clients and these evening contracts. So where that is concerned I need to find cover at least by mid to late December.
As I am writing to you now, I worked all day yesterday converting my walk in closet to a bedroom and my house is a mess with all the clothes and shoes from the closet and I’m so so tired and just need a day to lay down and do nothing. However, I have a client meal prep to do today which means grocery shopping and being over the stove for 4 plus hours. I’m super grateful for my work and I absolutely love what I do for my day clients but I’m weary of the evening jobs and the exhaustion I’ve been feeling. As I write now I’m perturbed about wasting time writing when there is so much to be done.
If you pray, pray for me as I walk this line of sanity and insanity. As I tread this line of working too much and working too little, of caring too much and caring too little, of doing the most and not doing enough.
Praying for strength and wisdom to do what’s right for me ❤️
I pray my musings meet you in good spirits.