Travel Goals

Next year my travel goals include
going to indigenous majority areas to immerse myself into their culture, and belief systems. As someone living with a mental illness that comes with positive symptoms (things not usually experienced by others; hallucinations, a undeniably strong connection to things that don’t talk – to others; etc) I have been encouraged my many a spiritual person to lean into these things more and I want to see what that might look like to a community that doesn’t medicate away these experiences but welcome and embrace them.

Now that’s not something most mental health professionals recommend because medication and treatment compliance is already a challenging thing for persons living with a #mentalillness especially #bipolardisoder
However, I feel confident in where I am in my treatment plan and on my journey with stability.

Feelings Suck!

I like apathetic me better.

Well, right now I do. I don’t know that that statement holds true all the time.

Urrghhh, I’m all worked up and upset and just icky with all these feelings clutching onto my little heart. I hope they don’t take up residency. I don’t think I have anymore room for unwanted emotions and feelings. I think I have enough filed away to last me a lifetime.

Why do I though? File them away that is? Why can’t I just sit with them and let them flow through me?

Why do I catalog these big, dirty, ugly feelings? Why do I store them as though they are somehow valuable? Why do I honour and treasure pain and torment?

I don’t think I store enough happy feelings, I don’t re tell the happy memories over and over again to every living that that will listen; so why do I perpetually reminisce on the horrible stuff?? Why do I continually relive those events I deemed traumatic??

😔😫 these big feelings are bursting out my chest right now and I don’t know how to deal…

Pray for me I guess 🤷🏾‍♀️

What do non religious people say instead of pray for me?

How I explain bipolarity to a neuro-typical

This was inspired by a post I just read from another blogger with bipolar disorder.

When someone who doesn’t experience mental illness or bipolar disorder specifically asks me what is it like; this is what I say;

Mania

I tell them that for 6 months I’m highly productive, driven, outgoing and on my game. I have little tolerance for others and I’m terribly brash and I need far less sleep.

Depression


While for the remaining 6 months I am basically a bear hibernating. I have very little energy and zero care for anything. The apathy is all consuming and in the depths of it I’m terribly suicidal and dread waking up so I can’t sleep but I spend 10plus hours in bed willing my mind to rest.

I Don’t Hide Anymore

I hid for the last time last week

I cried for the last time in the shower

Well, lemme not be hasty haha

We all know life has a way of circling back on us

I meant to say; I won’t hide from my loved ones anymore

I’ll cry and let them sit with me.

I wasn’t comforted much as a child crying

It was a shameful act

It was coward, selfish, and totally unacceptable

Now, in this my 26th year

I’ve completely let go those notions and I now

I won’t hide and cry anymore.

I’ll weep when I’m the character in the movie I’m watching got their happy ending

I’ll bawl for the man in the book who died putting everyone else first

Son son why? You should’ve let the bastard burn

I never got over that ending “My Father Sun Sun Johnson”

Tragic. He should’ve let than man burn.

I want to feel out in the open and I want others to know they too can feel out in the open with me

Or alone sitting by me but not with me

You know what I mean?

Close enough to not be entirely alone

But not close enough to smother me

I want to feel my big feelings right out in the open and I want you to be ok with that.

Yes; you; the reader.

Feel your feelings on the outside

You Deserve It

You know; that someone who makes a fuss over ya

That person who thinks everyday with you is a special day

That person who thinks you’re the sunshine on a cold winter day

That person who thinks you’re the breeze on a hot day in the tropics

That person who feels like the sun; like home, like safety

Dear Faith,

You deserve it.

I deserve it.

Ugly

Why do I think they must have found them ugly?

For if humans are so mean to each other

what might cause them to spare the trees?

So brown and barren they seem

Their gawky limbs outstretched

Scrawny and brittle

they snap under our hands and feet…

drearier than the sad clouds they sit beneath

Oh how they must have found them ugly

These dreadful humans who constantly complain about the weather,

For how dare Mother Nature exist as she?

We can’t always thrive, sometimes we must simply survive

Reclaiming My Leisure

Since August of this year I have gone back into business for myself full time and it has required being constantly on the go, always taking calls and replying to messages, keeping up with content on the social media pages and just being available all the time to my clients.

I don’t like it.

There. I said it. I don’t like it. The last time I was sitting leisurely writing poetry was that September camping trip to Algonquin. The last time I truly leaned into leisure. If only for a few hours.

I took 10 days off after that and went to see Banff but as I introspect now that wasn’t very leisurely as I was constantly on the go sight seeing and doing activities and engaging with other people which meant managing self and self impressions. Sighs. I’m tired. It’s usually around this time of the year that I start to wind down and my soul starts to prepare for our 6 months of “hibernation” aka when Mr. D visits.

For those new here, Mr. D is what I call Depression. Bipolarity presents with two major symptoms or moods; Depression and Mania. Depression often comes with Anxiety and actually so does Mania.

I’m currently in the upper mood cycle of this illness and so I’m predominantly high energy, outgoing, interactive, productive, super kind, and inviting and all around open to new experiences. You know the whole love and light shit.

As winter approaches; I’m a winter solstice baby, the pendulum of my emotions and energy levels start to swing ever so gently the other way. Towards Mr. D. I’m mindful of it and I hope beyond hope that this year will be the year that I don’t have to contend with Depression or that it would be mild; manageable.

I’m particularly hopeful this year because I can truly say that this has been one of the better years of mania. I did spend excessively, I did do a multitude of things all the time, I did talk a lot and do the most lol but I didn’t have any breakdowns, I didn’t get into any fights, I didn’t burn the earth down, I didn’t quit any jobs, I wasn’t particularly irritable (well, not for any extended period) and all in all I kept it together this year. Better than any year I can remember. So I’d consider this year a success at managing Lady M – Mania.

Where I am presently, I need more downtime for sure and I might need to find someone to work for me doing the evening jobs as I’m feeling more and more exhausted lately and less and less like I’ll be able to manage my day clients and these evening contracts. So where that is concerned I need to find cover at least by mid to late December.

As I am writing to you now, I worked all day yesterday converting my walk in closet to a bedroom and my house is a mess with all the clothes and shoes from the closet and I’m so so tired and just need a day to lay down and do nothing. However, I have a client meal prep to do today which means grocery shopping and being over the stove for 4 plus hours. I’m super grateful for my work and I absolutely love what I do for my day clients but I’m weary of the evening jobs and the exhaustion I’ve been feeling. As I write now I’m perturbed about wasting time writing when there is so much to be done.

If you pray, pray for me as I walk this line of sanity and insanity. As I tread this line of working too much and working too little, of caring too much and caring too little, of doing the most and not doing enough.

Praying for strength and wisdom to do what’s right for me ❤️

I pray my musings meet you in good spirits.

– Faith

#faithit

B.B.A – Body Before Antipsychotics

I’d rather be fatter and sane than slim and bat shit crazy

Can we agree to stop telling people they have gained weight? Do we really think others don’t look in the mirror and know that they have been getting fatter? Do we think that they believe their clothes are shrinking and not that they are expanding?

Sighs, listen; I’m so so grateful to this body for holding me up and keeping me together through it all. Let me live ok.

I assure you; we know we are getting fat. Thanks for pointing out the obvious 😒

We’re good over here 😇

It’s My Aunties For Me

It’s my aunties for me
I revere you
Always on my pedestal
There when I needed you most
You scattered your roses right here on earth
You bent over backwards to make sure we ate
Never the dependent
I admired my aunties especially you two of late.
I know today is your day but
I hope you guys meet
Up there in glory
And share all the good food you loved to eat
We learnt how to cook
And keep our place clean.
We held our head high
And we rode out our storms together until their end was nigh
I love you auntie
And I pray
We may live the way you did;
laughing a lot,
Always dressed well,
working hard for what we want
Constantly learning and improving until the very end.

Yu Gonplei Ste Odon –
Your fight is over.

“In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again”

Dear My Inner Child


I am letting go the resentment I harbour towards my parents for having 5 children in poverty and never working hard enough nor consistently enough to take care of all our basic needs and using us as beggars to the rest of the family to support us all.

I’m letting go of feeling as though I’m the primary caregiver to my 4 younger siblings and carrying the weight of their academic and financial success on my shoulders.

I’m letting go of being and acting tough and calloused emotionally so as not to automatically disqualify myself from the love and support that I deserve

Letting it go

I Want to be with Someone Who

Makes me feel secure enough to be soft

Makes me feel safe enough to put my armour down, for I already destroyed my walls

I want to be with someone who reveres my divine femininity and firm masculinity

I want to be with someone who sees God in me

I want to be with someone that makes my soul happy

I want to feel profound peace with them

I want to discuss our life paths and plans

I want to make shared long term goals with them

I want long cuddles, tight hugs and lots of forehead kisses from them

I want to be nothing to them yet mean the world

For I dare not be your sunshine on dark days nor your reason for living

I need someone whole.

Pondering

Dear Nature

I love how wild and untamed you are

How pristinely you take up space everywhere

I love how bipolar you are; hot one minute, cold the next and raging fuxking mad another

I love how you just don’t give shit about existing the way you do.

I love how you carve paths for waterways where none existed before

I love how self sufficient you are

Your brilliance is unmistakable

Distinctively remarkable and breathtaking

Women swoon over you
Men admire you

And we all dare to be like you.

Love,
Faith

Mt. Norquay, Banff, Alberta

Home is Where the He-Art Is

They say; home is where the heart is

My he-Art is always with me

Within me

Sometimes buried deep

Sometimes right there on the surface of my chest

Slightly left, towards the centre

Right there; that’s my heart

This is my he-art

Do you feel it?

Maybe, you can even see it.

Strapped in right behind bones of steel

Protected fiercely by my ribs.

My soul bows daily to it’s love and devotion to keeping us safe and sane.

This is my he-art

On paper

Always with me

Sometimes with you…

always home.

This is my He-Art

This is My God

I rose with daylight

An especially gentle and peaceful awakening

There were no bizarre sounds

Nothing loud and irreverent

The morning drizzle pettered on

Every so slowly, it was certainly in no rush

Isn’t that poignant

Somehow a remarkable lesson from nature

I think it is.

I’ve never seen nature rush, never in a hurry

She carries herself regally, gentle and quiet at times

And raging powerfully at other times

And if nature hasn’t shown it’s bipolarity

Well if you haven’t noticed nature’s bipolarity

I think we haven’t paid enough attention to her.

I rose regardless of the rain to watch the suns steady arrival over the horizon

She tired but for an hour

But alas the rain clouds won over

And as I watch the light pinkness disappear

I salute her bravery for showing up

Every fucking day

This, this my friend is my God.

This is my God

I Still Love My Husband

As I do all my exes

And as I do all the amazing people in my life.

I still love my husband as a human I got to close to and want the absolute best for,

I still love my husband as a person I empathize with and can show compassion towards,

I still love my husband but not enough…

Not enough to endure the emotional and verbal abuse,

Not enough to be his entire world,

Not enough to live in a place that doesn’t feel like home,

Not enough to sacrifice my peace and relative sanity,

I still love my husband; just not unconditionally.

I wish you all the beautiful things life has to offer; I wish you peace. ♥️

Is It Only He Who Can Love Me?

I often share about how much I love myself, truthfully I’m not lacking in the self love nor loathing department lol. Lady M and Mr. D has those locked. Together we’ve found the perfect balance of “we’re good over here”.

What I often contend with emotionally though is feeling or being too much for others. I have some amazing friends that have been there with me through and through but partners? not yet

I try to use – not yet, so as not to write myself out of what the universe has in store for me while I sit with these big feelings. I haven’t been pursued seriously in quite a while. I spent a little over a year in a marriage that I am still mulling over. I’m still trying to answer the why question as we were vastly incompatible and I went into it eyes wide open knowing full well I have nothing in common with this person but the fact that we are both “disabled” (I prefer the term differently abled, but for ease of communication I’ll stick to the former).

When asked why I married this man; my response was primarily that he understood the challenges I faced with dealing with life and others as a person with an illness that is often debilitating and I always felt safe being honest with him about what I was going through and you know what? Feeling heard and understood doesn’t come around often so I leaned into that.

I got married to a man I didn’t have romantic feelings for simply because he listened and he understood me or at least he tried. That was something I loved deeply with my Dad and it was comforting finding it in a partner.

Well, here I am now, 26 and separated and hating the world of dating because I either feel like just a piece of meat or too much for these immature men.

All I’m saying now is;

God I see what you’re doing for others and I’m praying for patience as you continue working on what you’re going to do for me.

And while I wait on a love that only God has thus far given me I pray that I continue to grow into the person I am to be. I pray that I learn to stay on this bull of bipolarity and to be excellent regardless. I pray that I never lose hope in achieving my four big life goals no matter how far they may seem away.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

To change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

🌻 lean towards the sun baby

Have You Ever Cried…

Have you cried so hard you couldn’t breathe?

Have you every cried so hard it feels like you’re about to have muscle spasms in your chest?

Have you every cried so much you feel broken, dried up and small?

Have you ever cried “quietly”? hot liquid blurring your vision, burning your cheeks, snotty snot streaming it’s way to your hand covered mouth,

Begging God and the universe to bend time and space just for you

For you to take refuge into your personal back hole

Have you ever needed to cry when someone else is around and you tilt your head back, blinking furiously and taking deep breaths?

You have?

I pray today isn’t one of those days.

That’s my prayer for you.

It’s Been About A Month & A Half

It usually does this…hit me all at once…on a random day when something seemingly random happens. It triggers the feels and then suddenly I feel. I haven’t felt in months and today it feels all new and I don’t hate being bipolar or let me correct myself; having bipolar disorder.

It’s been about a month and a half since Mr. D left. If you’re new here, Mr. D is what I call depression or a depressive episode. When he’s around; oxygen is scarce, he backs me into a dark, wooded forest where there are no trails, no paths and the fog is thick and heavy. It’s not beautiful, it’s dense and lifelessly silent. There are no lights, no wolves howling in the night, no crickets chirping, no stream running.

It’s been about a month and a half since I started to turn the lights on again, cook again, talk to my loved ones and not hate the sun, nor the sound of others existing.

It’s been about a month and a half since I started doing laundry weekly, shower even if I’m not going to work, groom my hair, care about how I’m dressed.

It’s been about a month and half since I stopped obsessively thinking about going downtown to source some heroin and fuck off into bliss…forever.

It’s been about a month and a half that I haven’t hit my chest repeatedly imagining I had a knife in my fist…

Today, well, just about an hour ago my friend Lav shared this song and it happened; just all at once after so many months, I felt again.

It’s so nice to feel.

***Cue the waterworks and the perfervid emotions***

Maybe now I’ll mourn my grandma Teeny and just you know… care again.

Please transform my selfishness

Please help me to worry about others outside of myself

Please help me to remember how to put others first; at least sometimes

Please help me to think about the wants and needs of others as they do me

Dear universe, transform my selfishness into self awareness

I pray this season I give more of myself to those who need it, to step outside of myself and pay my dues ti my fellow human.

Disconnected?

Tuning into vlogs, blogs, documentaries, speeches, forums, and many other forms of media regarding depression and anxiety some common themes are dissatisfaction with their jobs, spouses, and life in general. There are those who feel isolated and lonely; no friends, or significant other, poor family relationships and a general lack of community, direction and purpose.

Perhaps those who have most of these things and still don’t enjoy the thought of being here much longer don’t share much as it might not be as easy to explain to those who really enjoy being alive. Truly, the pros list is really long, and yet.

Checking on content that I made when in brighter states of mind I feel very disconnected from that version of me and wonder which is really true…

However, I think generally, across all states of mind I support euthanasia and might not be the person to call to talk you out of hitting the big red button on life.

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