Disconnected?

Tuning into vlogs, blogs, documentaries, speeches, forums, and many other forms of media regarding depression and anxiety some common themes are dissatisfaction with their jobs, spouses, and life in general. There are those who feel isolated and lonely; no friends, or significant other, poor family relationships and a general lack of community, direction and purpose.

Perhaps those who have most of these things and still don’t enjoy the thought of being here much longer don’t share much as it might not be as easy to explain to those who really enjoy being alive. Truly, the pros list is really long, and yet.

Checking on content that I made when in brighter states of mind I feel very disconnected from that version of me and wonder which is really true…

However, I think generally, across all states of mind I support euthanasia and might not be the person to call to talk you out of hitting the big red button on life.

I Wonder Why

I often watch interviews of people with disabilities who describe their challenges and how it has negatively affected their lives then at the end when asked if they could have it any other way would they and they say no I wouldn’t 😅

I often get enraged which results in uncontrollable maniacal laughter because wtf? I know our society teaches us to accept ourselves no matter what and all that jazz but come on let’s be bloody real. I wouldn’t wish this or any form of chronic illness on anyone and if the magic wand or pill exists I’m fucking taking it.

Fuck that we’re the sum of our experiences bullshit. I mean why would I choose to be fucked up if I had a choice???🤣 I swear, we’ve come a long way with all this self acceptance preaching. I don’t hate anyone for “cursing” me with this and I’d like to think I’m not bitter but I’m not fond of living like this either. These extremes are exhausting and I can’t keep up with myself. It’s like chasing my shadow….sometimes it’s behind me, beside me, in front of me and sometimes it not there at all…

So yeah, I wonder why we perpetuate that bs.

To Die A Natural Death

That’s my current goal. To live long enough to die a natural death. It’s funny how growing up no one mentioned that one of the hardest parts of living is choosing to stay alive everyday. Choosing to stay here and breathe another breath, fight another fight.

It‘s sad that suicidality is such a taboo subject and one cannot candidly discuss this with “loved ones” or those closer to you. It’d be nice to not have to shoulder this eternal dread of living, alone.

Well, my daily goals during hibernation as I’m choosing to aptly refer to Mr. D during this lovely visit is to stay alive. Yup that’s it. The bane of my existence these days involve responding as best as I can to Mr. D’s constant seduction to end it all 😄

Cheers,

I hope you are keeping on alright.

~ Faith

Human Hibernation

I used to think that depression meant I didn’t get anything done, anything worthwhile that is. But that’s not true, for one, I stay alive (biggest accomplishment 😌) and according to my track record – aka my journal I stay the course of whatever it is I am working on I just slow down considerably, I stay on the down low; minimal to no socializing outside of work, a lot more time indulging in my solitary activities pastimes, and a lot more rest.

I hope some day I make it to platforms where I connect with likeminded people regarding human hibernation. I genuinely think that sums up this phase. Bipolar disorder aside; this is what nature does during Winter so why am I? Or us? Creatures of nature expected to do any different??

Today I’m rambling about human hibernation to remind you that if you too are a little different right now, a little slower and less social that it’s ok.

“To everything there is a season…” – Bible

The Stability of a Pendulum

Oh how quickly one oscillates from isn’t it beautiful to this….. *Deep breath*

Don’t read this if your day is cheery, as I do not wish to cast a gloom over it. I’m writing to stop my hands from hurting me. I wish it wasnt like this. But alas, if wishes were horses beggars would ride or whatever that saying says.

I read about a quarter through two finance books this past year, I feel as though I stop when I can’t take anymore slaps in the face. I think it’s hard for me to face the truth about my poor spending habits; living above my means and all, so when the writers start taking constant jabs with this basic tried and true advice that has permeated the space for millenniums the voices of criticism and self destruction get so loud, I put the book down and cover it with daily planner and go to get a glass of that wine I bought on credit.

My God Imani, how slow can you possibly be

You are a walking talking oxymoron

You hate the very thing that you are

You ought to learn to be more forgiving of others for you my friend are no better.

Haha. Ok, enough with the self depreciating thoughts spilling over the edges of mind.

*deep breath*

I keep saying I am trying but am I really? Am I really trying? To get my shit together you know? Whew! Today is the last day of Kwanzaa; typically my favourite and while I want to meditate on today’s principle Imani – Yes that’s why it’s my favourite, I tell myself every year that it is a celebration of me and everything I stand for which in all honesty is true. Even while I ramble and feel so out of control I wholeheartedly believe that I can and will figure this out and gain the control ( or the relative control) that I desire. I have faith in my journey, my lineage, my community and my people. I know that we can pull ourselves out of centuries of learnt poverty. Poverty of mind.

It’s no coincidence that I have these goals I speak so frequently.

But every time I order UberEats when there is food in my fridge and pantry, every time I Lyft when the transit system works just fine because I do not like the discomfort (smh, seriously, I’m tired of my shit). If you see the way I live you’d really think this girl has her money together or someone taking care of her. You know who that someone is? Mr. Credit. My gosh; when I became manic in 2020, I fucked my savings, I really fucked it hard. Then, when my grandma passed and I couldn’t attend her funeral or contribute; I sobered up a little, well alot, in 2 months I paid off some credit card debts and my credit score went from poor to good. I was doing ok, I started working harder and trying my hardest to stay stable… I was aware that I was manic and I thought I was doing ok managing for a bit. I got a therapist and all. Then I rushed hastily into a new business venture, oh my fucking God. *deep breath* I’m trying to calm myself down because no one forced my hand in any of these things. I started the spending spree again; I racked up the credit cards to start this new thing, what is a savings account? I was running full forced, I got an old car as a gift, I spent quite a bit to get it road worthy, I went from every weekend at the beach (lake) to dining out every Friday night rationalizing that “I deserve this break, I am working so hard” Kmt. I’m annoyed with myself and just managing me feels like that full time job that you are over worked, management sucks and there is no HR to report to. It feels like ” I am not paid enough to deal with this bs” haha. Ok, well at least that made me chuckle internally.

I should write an Ode to the World Wide Web for you are the friend I can bear to bare my soul to just when I need to. *deep sighs* I am calmer now, I am feeling more hopeful. Thank you.

I know I am not the only one battling these poor habits and I pray with you all that we find the strength and courage to change our life’s rhetoric. I pray we remember to be patient with ourselves and to understand that this is a part of our story too, it may not be our favourite chapter but it certainly isn’t the last. I pray we remember that we hold the pen, we are the screenwriters and the protagonist and it’s up to us to bring this characters’ strengths to light and have the courage to develop on our weaknesses.

What a difference a few minutes of pouring out my he-art makes.

Thank you for giving an ear (or eyes haha) to my musings.

❤️

– Faith

Isn’t it Beautiful?

Contentment I mean. As we close this chapter of our stories, I know it has been difficult for some, or even most of us. I want to let you know that it’s ok. You made it this far and you have good health; or good enough. You have access to the internet; which is a reprieve for most and broadens our horizons and capacity to share and learn so much from each other.

I am happy you made it to today. For those of us who live with suicidality, I am very happy that you made it to today and I pray you have the courage to make it to tomorrow. I want to remind you that it’s ok to live like this. By this, I mean to focus only on what’s immediately in front of you. It’s ok to take baby steps, to take life one breath at a time, one footstep at a time, one day at a time. It’s ok. I want to remind you that while others are excitable or contrarily supremely pessimistic or cautious for the new year you do not have be either. I want to remind you that it’s ok to stand in between, to be neither good nor bad, to be neither leftist or right winged, to be neither a sinner nor a saint, to be neither happy nor sad.

Yes, that my friend is perfectly acceptable and I am here to remind you that contentment is no less than happiness. That you don’t have to smile all the time, or be cheerful. I want to remind you that you don’t have to be nice, or fun to be around haha. I find great pleasure in writing to you as I do myself. For as I remind you of these things I also remind me. I am quite content with my life as it is presently. I am supremely grateful for all my blessings and I am happy that absolutely nothing feels mundane and just being able to write this feels very privileged as not only do I have the means to; internet, a fully functional laptop, peace and quiet, clean air, a full stomach, lots of comfortable space, TIME! and the cognitive capabilities to form these thoughts and express them. Can you imagine not having these things? Well, that’s the reality for many. Many my age will have lived and died never having access to these things and I honour them. I am privileged and it’s likely that you reading this are too. Perhaps not in the same way that I am, but I am positive that if you take a moment to take stock of your life, you will have found that you my friend are blessed.

I am happy and grateful that I have this avenue to share my thoughts for I do not talk much with others most days; truthfully I don’t quite enjoy it and I have made peace with the fact that I prefer pen to paper and journaling than talking with most other folks I have met. I accept that this is no fault of me nor them but some of us humans are just like this. When I talk of my ambitions to live on a ranch; a huge sustainable farm where I do not have to hear nor see any neighbours by chance some laugh and that’s ok haha. It’s truly what I want and what I am working towards.

I find it incredibly beautiful that even though I enjoy relative isolation I can still feel connected to the world and others through the World Wide Web. I feel as though the literary arts and other art forms and the ability to share almost instantaneously is a blessing in this era especially so for the introverted. I like that there is no pressure to interact and I like that I get to read your thoughts too. You who I may never meet but because of this medium I get a glimpse into your soul.

Thank you all for reading my musings and for sharing yours. It’s truly a pleasure. Isn’t it beautiful?

As we close this chapter and start another, please, do not feel pressured to title it before you start, the best titles are chosen long after the chapter has ended. I love you, stay safe, and relatively sane haha and protect your peace in 2021.

x Besos y Brazos

– Faith

Rest well 2020, I know, life was rough on you too.

You Know You Best

No matter how many years they have on you; no one knows what’s best for you the way you do. Have the courage to live the vision you have for your life and go after your dreams fiercely and unapologetically. When they ask you, “Who do you think you are?” Remind them of your mf name since they are clearly having a bout of amnesia. Be so forceful about carving out your mark on wise old earth that no one and nothing can or will stop you.

I know exactly what I want from this life and I effortlessly let go of anyone and anything that does not align with that. Choose you every fucking time because I promise you absolutely no one else will.
Sometimes you should say no to some “helping hands” and gracefully say, “thank you but that’s ok, I got it.”
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“I Got You” my new book will be released soon. There I share more of my musings including showing up for and holding yourself accountable as if no one is coming because love, no one is.
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selflove #radicalselflove #yougotthis #dweetfraid #doitscared #jump #faith #faith2040 #faithit #imanitries #vision #visionboard #visionary #inspiration #motivation #growth #growthmindset

What Are You Angry About?

I am not sure why I am, or what I am angry about? I’ve been getting these moments of rage almost everyday for the last 3 weeks I think. As usual, I write to figure out what’s going on inside that I am not vocalizing out loud. It’s nice writing, I don’t have to deal with saying it to someone who feels the need to offer some sort of response.

Mmm, this time last year was horrid for me. I suppressed as much as I could and carried on with life as usual. I married a horrid human in the midst of mania last year who spent the entire holiday berating me for being a bad wife because I couldn’t afford to travel to see him last Christmas since I’d spent so much to be there only 3 months prior 🙄

The man came out as trans (sexual or gender I do not know for when I brought it up he would just argue). Now, I am a little fucked in the head and it comes with it’s fair share of challenges and I accepted this human for all I was made privy to before marriage but to spring the whole I dress as a woman thing on me not even two months into marriage I was enraged. I am angry. I’m really angry because I wasn’t allowed to ask about it, to talk about it like grown ass folks. 😂 I was just supposed to know and accept this because 💥 “you’re my wife” FUCK THAT!

No, absolutely not. This is not how this shit works. At least not in my head. I’d never say to any other human – that until death do us part nonsense. It’s quite frankly childish and preposterous. I’m not Jesus, not a saint of any sort and I will not love anyone “comes what may”

Imagine being emotionally and verbally abused by a $€%£}]

I dare not say for the internet is quite unforgiving. I had the stereotypes thrown my way when I decided to marry a physically disabled person who was more than a decade older than I, and happened to be Caucasian and Canadian. No one hid their assumptions – sugar daddy, citizenship marriage. The man himself when he was enraged whenever he couldn’t have his way said he always knew I would steal from him 🤣 and that people were right, I only married him for papers 🤣

How massively fucked up am I ?? I think some part of me was trying to be virtuous or something. I try not to blame mania for having made that decision so quickly to jump into marriage with a medical mystery 😂 ah gosh. I probably am more than just a little fucked in the head. I’m so angry and I just don’t know how to get it out! I workout, but trust me, sit-ups have not been helping with this rage.

I try meditating…suppress, suppress, suppress. I don’t know what I want to hear to feel better about this…I’m angry, I’m outraged…..I feel such disgust when I think of him. I don’t know what that makes me but I’m not into that shit and I reserve that right. You don’t sneak something like that onto someone.

I saw him after the reveal and every time he touched me my skin crawled and my muscles tensed up. I couldn’t hug him, or kiss him, not cuddle on those cold winter nights. I slept at the edge of the bed and anxiety kept me awake every night for fear he would touch me in my sleep. Revolted. He just became a nasty unrecognizable person when I refused to jump when he asked 😄 he was on the phone telling friends how I became a nun neglecting to tell them he wears female clothes, breasts and a wig?????!!

I mean, I’m open minded and all for people doing whatever the fuck makes them happy but it certainly doesn’t mean I would roll around in bed with them. 🤮

I feel this rage in my bones, my muscles….I’ve done a lot of pushing it to the back burner all 2020 but God knows I can’t bring this into 2021. The worst part is I didn’t feel like I could talk about it with anyone. I hate when people put their fucked up secrets on people carrying enough fucking trauma already!!!!!!!!! GO TO THERAPY!!!!!

I better talk to my therapist soon about this because it’s not going away and I don’t want to just handle it anymore as that’s obviously not working.

🤦🏾‍♀️ I’ve done some real stupid shit in my quarter life.

The Hole

I hate it here
Here is the hole
Huck’s hole
Do you know Huck?
Olivia Pope?
The white hat?
….
I know, distracting
Anyho, I’m not doing well but I’m still trying.
I like to focus on the latter

#blessed #grateful

Cheers to nature, the most resilient b*tch I know

Rapid Cycling – What it’s really like

Rapid Cycling is the worst part of this disorder. It’s exhausting; mentally and physically. I still haven’t quite figured out what triggers these episodes and I’m journaling to remain mindful so I can crack the code lol

During rapid cycling I experience numerous mood swings from mania to depression. I get weepy, happy, angry, frustrated, irritable, sad, elated! And the list goes on. I feel completely out of control and to be honest, I don’t want anyone around because I may very well take that out on them consciously or unconsciously.

Yesterday was one of those days and by 12 in the afternoon I was exhausted. I don’t mean tired, I mean just done, running on E.

I laid in the sofa and cried for 3 hours yup. 3 hrs. I hate it. Because I have things to do and this version of me is not my favourite at all.

But still I try. I try to be patient with myself. I try to be empathetic (with myself), I try to be understanding and I accept that hey, it’s ok to slow down sometimes; actually it’s ok to go slow ALL THE TIME.

What I hated about being around family and others in general is they constantly critique my energy levels and the speed at which I get things done. I fucking hate it. Listen, slow growth is better than no growth and I am certainly not ashamed of my speed. Dimple (my mom) told me for years over and over about how slow I was and I’m so glad we get to choose our environments after a certain age. Who gives a flying fuxk how long I take to do the dishes or clean the house or cook the food now???? 🤣🤣 Not a fucking soul and I like it! No, I fucking love it.

I’m happy and grateful I get to take life at my own pace. I’m happy and grateful I get to live the way I choose to every single day. I am happy and grateful for success in all my businesses and art. I’m happy and grateful for all the doors that are opening and have opened in my life.
I’m super happy about all the closed ones. Bye 👋🏾 Felecias 😂

My kingdom, my rules. 😄

Check out the YouTube video.

I talk about giving yourself all the things you expect from others – especially the gift of consistency, discipline and all the luxuries your pretty little heart desires.

#adulting #adult #bipolar #bipolardisorder #rapidcycling #mooddisorder #mood #mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #resilient #slowprogress #growthmindset #growth #babysteps #Youtube #youtuber

Slow progress is better than no progress

What I Want For My Birthday

So my birthday is coming up on the winter solstice and as is typical for me; I am introspecting a lot these days. I am very pensive about my big life goals:

1. Earn my PhD by age 30

2. Own multiple successful businesses

3. Retire on my ranch by age 40

4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown of Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

Yeah, I know. Audacious.

I have been very focused these last 4 months on magnifying my better habits and minimizing and eliminating my poorer habits. I use the word poorer very consciously here because these are habits of poor people. Poor people have poor habits. Or at least, I think so. I am so happy and grateful that we get to choose who we are and who we are gonna be every single day through conscious and intentional actions.

On July 16, 2020 I decided against “living it up” the drinking, partying, smoking life. I said goodbye to it.

Today, November 30, 2020, I’m saying goodbye to these poor habits ;

1. Spending on credit more than I have in debit.

2. Stockpiling food. – I buy way more food than I need all the time. I know this habit is because of food insecurity in my earlier years and I am accepting that that is no longer my reality and I won’t “run out of” food. I have more than enough food.

You have more than enough food Imani.

3. Saving last. I’ve been spending first and saving what’s left for the past month and I don’t like it. For 2 months this past summer and beginning of Fall I saved and invested first then spent after. I spent very little those two months and I felt so happy with my financial position and goals. Then big life changes happened and I struggled to find my balance again.

So cheers to gifting myself wealthier habits this Birthday 🥳 and Christmas 🎄😃😇

#babysteps #faithit #growth #growthmindset #goaldigger #success #wealth #goals #birthday #christmas

It is in trying that we do

Mental Health Check in

I don’t even know how I’m doing it at this point. But best believe I am.

Having a routine is very important for staying productive and excelling living with a mental illness. Today, I am happy and grateful to live in this country 🇨🇦 as it has opened the doors to opportunities for me to live my dreams every single day and most importantly I have access to affordable and good healthcare. My therapist and I worked on my schedule in summer when I was manic because I told her I don’t want to lose my momentum again this year when depression sets in and I was consistent and disciplined and look at me now kicking depression’s lazy, tired bum 🤸🏾‍♀️😃

People often think depression means sadness. On the contrary, depression is exhaustion, mental fatigue and fogginess.

Depression is needing 10hrs of sleep vs 5-8hrs during mania

Depression is enjoying my solitude even more. Being much more crass about wasting my time on frivolous conversations and get togethers with people I don’t even like 🤣. Yeah, it’s a no for me.

Depression is ignoring calls and texts from the empty people. The people who call just to make noise blah blah blah
Idgaf about the weather; it is free to exists as it sees best. Idgaf about your relationship problems; leave di bwoi or gal and stop telling me how unhappy you are.

Depression is art. It’s diving deep into my soul and working on my healing and personal growth away from all the noise and people.

Alright mi done now. Yuh must get it. ✌🏾

Model

I’m mid twenties and a model. My personal brand epitomizes the strength of a young woman with an “invisible” disability who shares her journey to self actualization while not just coping but thriving. I believe my transparency has inspired and continues to inspire others to commit to their goals regardless of their personal afflictions or perceived weaknesses.

Faith

Model

I’m mid twenties and a model. My personal brand epitomizes the strength of a young woman with an “invisible” disability who shares her journey to self actualization while not just coping but thriving. I believe my transparency has inspired and continues to inspire others to commit to their goals regardless of their personal afflictions or perceived weaknesses.

Faith

What He Should Have Said

You belong here

You earned this just as much as anyone else here

You are a excellent as the rest

You bring value to this team

You are competent in areas we are lacking and we are happy and grateful you decided to join us

Instead I was told;

You’re too egotistic. It’s likely your greatest flaw but has the potential to be your greatest strength for a scientist needs to be audacious.

You have to work 3x as hard as the others.

You started 4 months late but you need to be on the same page as everyone else

No Shit.

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