All at the Same Time

Unknown unknowns

Or perhaps known unknowns…

Hmmm

My prayer line this has become

My muse

Feeling everything and nothing

All at the same time

A gross contradiction

Oddly

Not an uncomfortable one

Tears of joy and sorrow

I lost a brother and a friend

I lost it all…

But somehow I feel like I gained it all

All at the same time

It’s explicable but inexplicable you know

Kinda like the aftermath of an epic climax

Yes that’s my primary language

Sex…

I know it so well

Lest I digress

The music has been speaking to my soul…

He does give me all I want and even more…

I can’t understand why I still want to stay

In the world that is

It’s like I got the keys to the castle but

I still like living in my hut on the beach

At least just a little

I don’t want to give it all up

What if I want it again you know?

Hook ups, Cursing, the highs, Running off with a stranger

Sighs…

Knowingly, I am tired.

99% of me has already given up on that life

But that little red guy on my left shoulder…

That 1%

Still sounds just a little appealing

But I know how it ends with him

Of course it’s fun, exciting, the men, the money, the power

Kmt. Why would anyone give that up right?

Well, it comes with the hurt, the heartache, the struggle, the hustle

The Pain.

But the thing is, my God gives me soo much more

Exceedingly, abundantly…

lol

And it’s free…

I don’t have to ‘pay’  anything

He has never waned on the promise he made in Deuteronomy 28

Should I just trust him?

Dumb question.

Of course I should

To be honest, it’s scary asf

I did say my God is my only fear right?

Because I am not perfect and

I just feel like I am gonna wake up tomorrow and say f this shit

As usual.

Why?

It’s just too hard…

No more self gratification

No more idle jesting

No more get up and go…well

You know what I mean

You said you wanted a King Imani

You gotta level up and be his Queen

Proverbs 31 Woman

Wholeheartedly .

Sighs. Ok.

This is it.

Not my will Lord…

But thine be done.

 

This is the first time I feel like I didn’t jump alone…I jumped and I feel safe. 😃 No panicking, no regrets, no why did I do this?? 😄😄 I know he doesn’t expect perfection, but I want to be perfect. Ha! Perfectly imperfect right? So as of now, I am doing it this way 

1 Peter 5:7

“Cast all your cares upon him. For he cares for you. “