I’VE BEEN A FAILURE & I’m probably going to do it again.

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I’ve never considered myself a perfectionist but I can be quite controlling. Well, I’m rigid with my goals. I get so sad when things don’t work out the way I planned for it to. You know, they say hard work is the key to success but we often forget to mention the anomalies. The times when no matter how hard you worked at achieving a particular outcome, circumstances outside of your direct influence will sometimes disrupt your plans and no amount of contingency planning can achieve the same outcome you had written in stone before hand.

Well, I am a slow learner, especially of life/ real world principles but when I do grasp a concept I can describe it, explain it, compare and contrast it, and ultimately manipulate it and assimilate it into comprehending other concepts. That I believe is sound learning. You better believe I have learnt a whole lot these past month, months, year and years and I continue to learn. I am now accepting that things will not always go as I planned but if I keep the vision and goal alive it will work itself out. But what does it mean to keep the goal alive? Well, for me it means still hoping, believing that my dreams are still valid, it means being open to new opportunities and being proactive about seeking opportunities and putting myself out there. It means, being bold enough to share your goals and visions with others even when it seems that you are nowhere near them. It means talking about them with the same vim and vigour and passion that you felt when you conceptualized the whole thing. Yes, that’s what it means to keep your goals alive, well, at least to me.

I love life and people and I’m always ready for new adventures, always expectant, always ready to pour into a new relationship and encourage someone to dream and work towards their dreams. I like big dreams. But you know what? My dreams often scared me. To be honest, I grew up a very hopeful child, I believe my hope and faith is what has kept me going all these years. I have always always had a big vision. Nothing that a small mind could handle. I remember always articulating that I will own lots of land, and dogs and horses, that I’ll be apart of the people who brought positive socio-economic change to my community, parish and country at large, that I will be a foster mum to many kids, that I will travel the world and make new discoveries, that I will be a speaker to large audiences and have friends all over the world. Umm…funny enough, teachers and friends would always get excited with me as I spoke about these things, but the older I got, the less excited they got, the more they started being ‘realistic’. The more they started telling me shut up with all the nonsense and get real about life. Sighs, they lost their hope and incessantly encouraged me to lose mine too….and sometimes I did. For like 15 minutes 😀 That’s not to say that I bounce right back. No, not at all, I had a tendency to wallow in it, to start feeling sorry for myself and ultimately my goals started to scare the shit out of me. I was hard on me, I’d give myself a mental ass whopping if something I planned didn’t play out as I intended it. Haha. (Now that’s what is unrealistic!)

The truth is I can only control my thoughts and ultimately my actions and consequently my reactions. Now this I have grown to accept. I have accepted that it’s ok for some people around me to not understand my goals and it’s ok if they can’t see the vision I do. I have accepted that the only person I can guarantee will always be there for me is me and as such I have to love all of me, be my number #1, consistent supporter and cheerleader and speak life into my dreams. I’ve learnt that the only thing I need is to be able to able to look into the mirror and love what I see.  That I have learnt.

I am learning to live in the moment and enjoying it wholeheartedly without anxiety for the future and without making my past my present. I am learning to leave things that I left in the past in the past and not drag them into present and make them my future. I am learning that it’s ok to be happy, it’s ok to have big dreams, it’s ok to feel a little fear but it’s not ok to be mediocre.

I am learning that I owe it to the world to share me. I owe to those around me to be a beacon of light, to spread hope and make my vision a reality.

So hey, now I’m sobering up, accepting that sometimes I’m gonna be a failure and it’s ok. I’m just gonna roll with the punches, accept my greatness and tell perfection to go fuck itself!

“Perfection is the enemy of great.”

-My friend’s granddad

Still patiently creating myself...

Published by Faith

I am human patiently accepting myself. I am unapologetic about being wild, and untamed. I am always open to new things and I only accept good vibe and positive energies. I love people and life and the world is my playground. I love children, animals and elderly people. I write to express and understand my thoughts, feeling and behaviors. It's self therapy and a visualization tool. I am a selfish loner at times a very sensitive INTJ. I am an aspiring psychological disorders and consumer behavior researcher and practitioner, living with Bipolar 1.

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