Panic

 

IMG_4078Well it hasn’t happened this obviously in a while.

I know I’m worried

That’s good to accept.

How do I deal with it? Without internalizing it?

I mean, I don’t want to talk openly about being worried cuz I think that’s hypocrisy to my faith

To others it may come off as doubt.

Is it?

Think about it Mani…

Are you worried that it may not work out?

Well maybe not now, not in the time I expected it to.

Maybe not even how I anticipated it would be

But why didn’t I ask Ms. Tyrell for a reference?

I mean she thought so highly of me

And she would have written a strong commendation

Well, that’s done so that after thought is a little late

And you know what?

He cut me off.

I wanted to talk and he just cut me off

I wish Kreshane was here

Though we might have had to schedule our talk, he wouldn’t cut me off

He’d listen

And listen

And give me advice

Sighs. I love and admire him.

But I always thought I was too secular and too wild for some like him.

Plus my lack of independence right now is not at all attractive.

Come to think of it?

Just like I couldn’t date a dependent man how can I expect to be dated by an independent man?

Sighs

That’s all I want right now

The power of independence and vision progression.

I don’t mind baby steps at all

As long as I can see the steps or the progress

Kadeem is a great listener and adviser and encourager

I need him right now

Yes, I can accept that I sometimes need people, close friends.

As for Kenard, I’m happy it’s ending. We had no future as a couple.

He’s seen all my phases; the good, the bad and the ugly.

He only liked the good

Tolerated the ugly

And was disgusted by the bad.

Well, good riddance

Ce la vie!

The earth continues to rotate on it’s axis and I’ll continue to love him from a distance and stitch my wounded ego back together.

He didn’t break my heart, I did.

I expected him to let me be

That’s what he said

He asked me to show him all my sides

I did

And he scoffed.

Well, I wish his tame, untainted soul Bon chance!

For we would’ve never lasted.

I want to race my stallion across a prairie in baggy shorts and a loose white cotton t-shirt braless with messy hair and no makeup

I want to drink bourbon and gin, sniff some crack and smoke a joint and dance naked around my house, singing and laughing loudly and not give a fuck about what others may think about ‘my behavior’

I looooovvve being out-mother fucking-rageous!

I want to dirty dance with a 20 year old stud when I’m 59 and still not give a fuck.

Published by Faith

I am human patiently accepting myself. I am unapologetic about being wild, and untamed. I am always open to new things and I only accept good vibe and positive energies. I love people and life and the world is my playground. I love children, animals and elderly people. I write to express and understand my thoughts, feeling and behaviors. It's self therapy and a visualization tool. I am a selfish loner at times a very sensitive INTJ. I am an aspiring psychological disorders and consumer behavior researcher and practitioner, living with Bipolar 1.

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