To Sex
Power
Drugs
Alcohol
Adrenaline
Serotonin
Dopamine
Oxytocin
Yes,
I am a sensation seeker,
I absolutely love feeling good!
Like an itch in the upper middle of my back
I often cannot scratch
I NEED to get it done!
External relief!
Absolute catharticism
I mean
Left alone I’ll be driven mad
My thoughts alone make me sad
Perpetual negative internal dialogue
It is difficult to stop
Not impossible
But requires an eventful amount of will
Resisting my default
I panic!
Like a mouse trapped in a dimly lit 2 x1” box
I start to tick
And tick
Highly irritated
Logic and rationale obliterated
At this point
I just need to survive
And that Thanatos (innate will to live – find Frued’s word for it)
Pushes me over the edge
And I run…
In any competent arms
All I need to do is get away
From ME
Grounding
Something so terribly unpleasant or absolutely blissful
That I have no choice but to be present
To focus on the here and now
The moment
……
And then I breathe.
My racing heart stops pounding
My nervous system slows it’s firing
My mental webs stop making irrational connections
And my world slows
It begins to rotate at a speed I can appreciate
Well, that I can function in.
Sad to say, I am an escapist
I escape here
I escape there
I escape at the bottom of a glass of strong wine
I escape at the butt of a joint
I escape.
And that’s why I’m an addict.
