Addicted

To Sex

Power

Drugs

Alcohol

Adrenaline

Serotonin

Dopamine

Oxytocin

Yes,

I am a sensation seeker,

I absolutely love feeling good! 

Like an itch in the upper middle of my back

I often cannot scratch

I NEED to get it done!

External relief!

Absolute catharticism 

I mean

Left alone I’ll be driven mad

My thoughts alone make me sad

Perpetual negative internal dialogue

It is difficult to stop

Not impossible

But requires an eventful amount of will

Resisting my default

I panic!

Like a mouse trapped in a dimly lit 2 x1” box

I start to tick

And tick

Highly irritated

Logic and rationale obliterated

At this point 

I just need to survive

And that Thanatos (innate will to live – find Frued’s word for it) 

Pushes me over the edge 

And I run…

In any competent arms 

All I need to do is get away

From ME

Grounding 

Something so terribly unpleasant or absolutely blissful 

That I have no choice but to be present 

To focus on the here and now

The moment 

……

And then I breathe. 

My racing heart stops pounding

My nervous system slows it’s firing 

My mental webs stop making irrational connections 

And my world slows

It begins to rotate at a speed I can appreciate

Well, that I can function in.

Sad to say, I am an escapist

I escape here

I escape there

I escape at the bottom of a glass of strong wine

I escape at the butt of a joint

I escape.

And that’s why I’m an addict. 

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