Umm, no I’m not gay. Well…I like girls though, so I think that makes me a bi-sexual but that’s not what I’m here to talk about.
You see, if you’ve been following my blog since I started you may have noticed some kind of trend. Well, I think I have a mood disorder. Based on my amateur knowledge of Neuroscience and Psychology, I believe I may be manic-depressive, now known as Bipolar disorder.
It’s not something I’d wanted to put out there to the public because;
- I have not been clinically diagnosed
- In Jamaica, if you have a mental illness you are crazy/mad end of story.
- And, I have not started my career yet, so I was afraid it would affect employment prospects.
Well, now I no longer give a fuck. I believe I am now hypomanic and as such I feel really happy, optimistic, high energy and just positive for about 95% of all my days. Still, it’s not all glitter and gold. Of course positivity is good but my high irritability is a bitch, I’m hyper sexual so I have been hoeing down the place (please pray I don’t get an STI/STD). I’m drinking like a 45 year old in mid life crisis, smoking like I have been doing this for years, I want to listen to rap and party all day and night, I have a bunch of grand business ideas, I have insomnia, I think I may be experiencing auditory and tactile hallucinations and boy I’m watchful that I don’t become seriously delusional.
To be honest, right now, I’m already experiencing delusions of grandeur (or maybe it’s real. lol) Because I am the hottest thing since slice bread and you can’t tell me otherwise. I am what every guy craves and in my pretty little head, every guy that lays his eyes on me wants to fuck me and I can get whomever I want…
Well if that aint bad I don’t know what is. All in all, I’m sick. I’m not a terrible person, I did not ask for this chemical imbalance, it just happens…all on it’s own. The scary part is that it’s a gradual incline, aka, it builds and builds, higher and higher I will go and the higher I go, the lower I fall. I’m scared of both. Mania is ugly.
I think my first manic episode was in February 2015; I was on Irvine Hall, UWI, Mona, what was then Block A, Champion Alpha Room 20 something…It was the 3 door on your right coming from the downstairs bathroom. Not my room, but my friend’s room. Or so I thought. These girls were my closest friends on dorm at the time and boy I was embarrassed. I had a very vivid visual hallucination and something in my head said these girls were possessed by the spirit of the woman my mother and cousin was arrested for killing several years ago and she came to hurt me…(even writing this brings back tears and I feel horrible about the whole ordeal).
I immediately fled the room when I noticed the girls’ piercing stares and ran down the hall thinking there were spirits after me. I stopped at the third friend’s room and another girlfriend was there and I asked her to pray for me because I was being attacked by spirits. She started praying and I was of course panicking like a mf. I blocked out. Now everyone around me started panicking. It was chaotic. I was believed to be possessed by demons by the religious students on dorm when the only demon was me….
I also thought I was possessed by my dead cousins spirit and I rose up with mighty strength and was hell bent on killing those two girls…Fuck! What would have happened if I had caught them? I rued that day…😔😔 I was taken away by hospital staff from the Psychiatric Unit, strapped down on a bed. I was not kicking and screaming but I was confidently threatening. I told them I refuse to be treated because I know my rights. I have to give consent to be hospitalized. I was released after several hours of useless persuasion to get treated while sitting in the ambulance and was escorted by dorm staff and security to my room. A security guard was placed at my door to stand guard that night… Sighs.
My family was in panic. They all called. Of course, in my head I was still possessed by my cousin’s spirit and I was acting accordingly. My voice changed, the nature of my speech changed….etc etc. I could not sleep. I had about 10% of rationale Imani left and I knew something was wrong but had no idea how to stop it. I could not sleep, my thoughts were racing, my heart was racing, I was trapped….in my own head.
Everyone, even my siblings feared me for about a month thereafter. I was socially isolated when I returned to dorm as everyone feared I would attack them…I was an outcast. Only a few intelligent and loyal friends came around. And for that I loved them.
All in All, this is what I fear…I fear full blown mania.
The depression is just as dramatic. I have struggled with this all my life and only now I fully understand it. Since 2015 my hypomania and my depressions have gotten a lot worst. In my depressive phase I have very intense suicidal ideations. To the point that I am afraid of being left alone. When alone I would sleep to quiet my thoughts of hopelessness and dread. I slept…A whole lot. I had severe anxiety when forced to interact with people…I flunked classes and then job interviews. I lost my confidence and I felt fat and ugly. My skin broke out, my hair was a mess and I had no idea who I was anymore. I was merely existing and boy was I eating….All I felt was hunger and fatigue.
I spent most of my days wallowing in self pity and crying. Kadeem can tell you. He was scared at first because he had never seen me so unsure of myself, so weak. I cried on his shoulders a whole lot in April -June 2016. He saw me at my very worst. I just didn’t know if one day when I was alone I would listen to that voice in my head and just off myself…. I begged him to stay and he never left my side. I owe my life to him…literally.
And now in 2017, the same shit happened but this time it was Neckeasha who saved me from myself…and again I owe my existence to them. My family and some friends think I’m just making this up. Lavonne thinks I should pray, Alafia thinks I’m just looking for an excuse and boy I just don’t care to prove to anyone that I am actually ill anymore.
I may not have broken bones or visible scars but I’m sick and I’m working on it.