Well, I haven’t written much lately…things have been haywire. Out of whack…
It’s hard to explain really. Like all true paradoxes, I
am truly happy and grateful and all at the same time I’m terribly discontent. I want to fight. I want to cry…weep and beg God to let me fight this one, but naw…that would deb a insult you know, to him.
It would be me, indirectly saying, “God you are incompetent and I can definitely do a much better job than you are and much faster too.” Lol. And we all should know that would be a farce.
Point is, I have no idea what God wants for me, what his plans are, his intentions….but
“He’s intentional” – Travis Greene
I haven’t prayed or read my Bible in over a week. Sometimes, it gets hard to talk to God you know. Harder to listen to him too. I messed around with another ‘fuck boy’ and shall I say it was grossly unsatisfying.
I think I should be honest with myself. I have done the whole fuck buddy life, been a faithful girlfriend, eat out all week, partied all weekend, fucked a girl, finger a stripper…I have done shit you know what I mean…
I am not sure that lifestyle appeals to me anymore. I enjoyed having many lovers but then it became stressful. One of them even tried to run me over with his car on the main military base! lol. They all started wanting more than just sex and fun and you know what? It was no longer fun. I realized then that I was something to be possessed and owned.
“Tell me it’s my pussy!” Hahhahaha. I only said that shit when the dick was so good and I was long past cloud 9. 😂😂
When I was done purring from the ecstatic experience I would set them set them straight and let them know not to try that shit with me again. I am not feeding your ego and giving you false hope.
It’s actually MY pussy. 🙈
Ok, let’s quit talking about my sex life. I love sex period.
Well, I have been in reactive depression for the past week or more. Things are just a bit difficult and now that I should be praying more than ever, I haven’t been able to.
A few ‘friends’ have cut me off and I have cut off a few people. I think it’s unfair that I am just a convenient friend. Everyone can count on me to help them, listen to them, advise them, reassure and comfort them and the few times I reached out for help I was shut down, or put on the back burner. Haha. Well fuck you too.
I tried. But I ain’t Jesus. I forgive, but the forgetting part; I don’t know so much about that.
Point is, I am trying. Today, I didn’t even tick one thing off my todo list. All I ended up doing was sitting /laying in the sofa watching Netflix series and getting up every 1.5 – 2hrs to get something to eat. I feel guilty and disappointed in myself. I cannot just hope to stay fit without working out, I can’t hope for blessings if I have stopped praying.
Well, I am affirming that I will try harder tomorrow. I accept that I actually did try today, just not hard enough.
I accept that I am at the stage in my life where I want more. Where 1.5/2 won’t be enough, where being Wife #2 won’t suffice…I am ready for something more fulfilling, more long term, less long distance and more soul satisfying . I am ready to be loved not possessed. I want to be a partner not an asset or some trophy. I want to be respected not used.
Well, we’ll elaborate more on my life sometime. Time to go try harder and actually shower, wash my hair and brush my teeth and shit. Funny how these ‘simple things’ become hard when one is sad…
#Faithinit #Chiselingon 💎💞😇