Well, this is the title of the first adult book I plan to publish. I am writer. It’s what I do. I write for healing, I write to express my ‘feelings’ and my monsters. I love the word thanatos. Ever since I learnt it from Freud, I chant it every now and then. I do not possess an eros, I am thanatos. Freud termed it the death instinct. Every day of my life on this earth I am very aware of the fact that I was born dying and whether I kill myself, someone kills me or I die a natural or accidental death; I am dying As to when I will die, that I may never know and as such, I am always prepared to die. I do not carry my vengeance around. I make peace with my demons and I own them. It is who I am. I am a vessel with many cracks but what hasn’t killed me has made me stronger. I am fierce and bold and primitive. The only instinct I feel is survival. It has always been either me or you. And, do you think it will be me? Um. Well, here I am. Making the pledge one more time and daring to fail yet another time. The contents of this blog are mine and any plagiarism is punishable by law. Well, here goes;
(Thursday, October 6, 2016; 8:30pm)
There are just too many pretty girls out here with daddy issues. It’s time we talk about it, write about it, start a campaign about it. It’s time we blog about it, sing about it, do art and drama about it. Point is, this is a real problem in our society. I refuse to just accept it. History doesn’t mean it is right. And, I am starting with me.
I do not make excuses, except that I do. I blame my parents for everything. I have gotten so used to being disappointed, I expect nothing from people or this life. I learnt to depend on me, but guess what? It was also ok to expect little from myself. It was easier to beat myself up and easier to forgive myself too. *Umph* Why? because if I didn’t, who would I talk to? No one listens. There is just always noise! I literally cannot take it. At 21 years old, an aspiring psychologist, I know it will take years of training to relearn how to listen. I always had to be louder than everyone else to be heard. I had no choice but to stand out among 12-15 people, daily. How would I keep the house clean? Get the dishes done? Prepare dinner and still be a well kept human plus excel in school?….I became my own mother, father, advisor, clinician, doctor, mentor, idol and friend. I could spend hours all alone doing nothing but thinking; just because I had to learn to talk, to myself.
The one thing my daddy did get right, was that, he told me over and over that I could be anything that I wanted to be in life and that I was his beautiful pumpkin. 🙂 To this day, I believe it. My daddy pampered me; as a child, I wanted for nothing. He would read to me and reason with me. I knew from early in life that I was his world as a child. His everything. He sung to me, and gave me all the piggy back rides my heart desired. He would hug and kiss me goodnight; “I love you my pumpkin.” I absolutely loved those words. I was nothing without my dadd,y and he was nothing without me, and then, he cheated and…
Daddy Issues Begun.
You see, Robby was not the first man to break my heart. My daddy did it first. It was broken from a tender age. 4 to be exact. Our home just wasn’t the same anymore. The four walls of the small concrete bar got cold. My mom cried, often and my world just went haywire. My daddy cheated on us. My baby brother was born while my mother was still pregnant with my first sister. Our little happy family was gone. I just felt betrayed. How could they?? I never asked to be born, I never knocked on their penis and ovaries and beg to be here. They lied to me! How dare them let me believe that happiness was real, that true love did exist and then just tear it all apart in a matter of days. That motherfucker was cruel! Selfish bastard. From then on, I wanted to kill Steve. I knew it with every fibre of my being. I would rip his jugular out with my bare hands and watch him bleed to death and you know what? the only thing that I would consider is that he didn’t die hungry because that was my biggest fear. I mean, I loved supernatural movies and they were always talking about the other side. From early in life, my only fear regarding death was that I did not die hungry. Haha. I cannot imagine being stuck on the other side with my only unfinished business on earth being filling my stomach with good food. lol. I now understand why they give prisoners their favourite meal before they were executed. It’s the humanly thing to do man. I don’t think any witch could solve that one. Anywho…back to my cheating, lying daddy…
“A hardened heart is not strength; it is fear, choked by one’s instinct to survive.”
– Imani S. Maxwell
So, I just admitted it, for the first time in my life. At 21 years old, I know why I run, why I push people away…I am scared. Scared as fuck. I cannot allow you to get too close to my tender heart, because then, you’ll have the power to hurt me.
A ruthless heart is not a ‘strong black woman’, it’s really a scared and broken woman, just trying her best to stay sane…
This book is very personal. It is the story of my childhood. Focusing on one of the key events that made me who I am today. The infidelity of the first man I ever loved, my daddy…mi dadie. I haven’t finished because it’s hard to write. It’s therapy and it hurts to address those wounds. I allowed myself to love once after that. I fell for the same boy my mom did and it broke me. Yet again. I still feel the pain but I learnt to live with it. I don’t want to live with it anymore. I want to face it for what it was and let it go.
We’re all humans. We’re all fucked up in our own little way and guess what, we all make mistakes. I can’t change the past, but I can change my perspective on it and that’s all I aim to do with this book. I hope that by sharing, I not only heal myself but I will inspire others to do the same.
“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson. Famously quoted as Nelson Mandela from his 1994 inaugural speech.
A great human; Princesa, sent me this today, said it reminded her of me and she reminded me yet again that I should keep writing this book and free myself:
The journey continues…