It’s 2:09pm, Sunday, December 24th, 2017. I’m sitting in bed. All wrapped up. Trying to find comfort within. I don’t like to voice my struggles while I am going through them because I feel like when I say it, I give it power you know. I don’t even think about it. What this usually causes is somatic symptoms. I have a splitting headache. No pill will help why? Because it’s not real. It’s just a distraction from my depression. A sadness that I have no real explanation for. I just woke up a few days ago sad. That’s stupid right. I woke up hypomanic this morning. I was so excited. I nailed my French lesson and was ready to jump into some biochemistry. Then the headache started…My body was like, just rest your brain a bit. We’ll jump into the biochem later. Smh. I went and made breakfast, and the rest is history…kmt. My face looks like shit, I could exfoliate and cleanse some more this fucking acne is a product of a chemical imbalance. I’m annoyed. I started crying a few minutes ago for no apparent reason. Lol.
Well well, time to get my shit together.
I am not in the mood to interact with the trivial expectations of daily living. I am not up for polite conversations and fake smiles. To be honest, the God’s must have seen my distress last night and smiled upon me. I did my best to get dressed, all dolled up and ready to down a few shots of rum to go be ‘social’ haha. You see, it’s not that I mind talking to people and playing nice. I just prefer to have meaningful conversations. I would like to know that after investing 2-3 hours of my life I would have learnt something new, made some noteworthy memories or something worthwhile. Not be too drunk I forget reality, or fuel a fire I have zero interest in. I mean, why would I hang out with people I do not like and who I know do not like me or wish me well in life. Fuck that. I am vicious. I do not gossip and I have no interest in drama. I will don’t argue and tussle for the sake of it, if you fuck with me, I register it as a threat to my life and I do not hit to miss. Haha.
Smh. I avoid people because it is beneficial to me and them. When I am in this mindset I stay away from others. Keep my negative energy confined and focus on changing that energy to something positive.
I am attracting something positively forceful. A jolt in this eerie land. It’s not just the heated sex that I miss back home, not just the sun, sand and sea. I miss my siblings, I miss my meaningful hugs, stares and cuddles. I miss being wooed, wined and dined. Lol. yeah yeah, it’s only been 2 months. I know. Two long fucking months. I am at the point where I might take up one of exes proposals. Get married and face the consequences of marrying for the wrong reasons later. I guess that’s why they have divorce. Right now, I just need someone to ride this journey with. I can’t handle solid lovers who have no idea how to treat a lady. I want someone who has a mission for their lives, whose objectives are detailed and someone patient. I am a handful no doubt. I don’t make promises because I break them at the earliest convenience. I want someone who has a lot of faith to say the least. Someone who believes in innate goodness and know that despite my outrageousness I am a good human. lol.
At the same time, they need to understand that I am loyal, except to bullshit. Simple reciprocity is my modus operandi.
Anyho, until then, gonna go ‘fix’ myself.