Sometimes I wonder if everyone cries as much as I do, lol. I am a sucker for tears. I cry when I’m immensely grateful and happy. I cry when I’m angry. I cry when I’m frustrated. I cry when I’m sad…And sometimes they just come, and I have no real idea what I’m crying about so I just pick something. I am not sure why I’m crying right now but I decided to think and write about it with the hope of digging into self.
My amazing and talented friend Judy just sent me a recording of her playing the guitar and singing this song with her bomb ass daughter Sommer:
I love the song. Leela delivered it with heart. And just before that I was listening to Whitney Houston’s “Saving All My Love for You”….Well, let’s just say I’m an emotional wreck presently. When it comes to matters of the heart I often seem very aloof and callous when the truth is I’m just trying to protect my fragile little heart. I often introduce myself as a 20 something year old little girl, #Forever5 is one I use often and the book that I am working on “Just a Little Girl with Daddy Issues” just captures it all. I am quite mature in terms of my life experiences yet it is the very same reason why I have the emotional capacity of a 5 year old. Perhaps it was my brain’s way of protecting me throughout all these years and keeping me relatively sane….
I will genuinely love and champion the causes of a complete stranger, ignoring everything but the little things they say or do that to me said; he/she is a really sweet human underneath the huff and puff. I have found that people who are really charming and teeth baring as soon as you meet them are disingenuous. They are typically wolves beneath their facade. My daddy taught me that. Lol. I warn all my friends before they meet my dad. I typically say,
“My dad is one of the most welcoming and friendly people you will find, ohh he is sweet and charming and quite handsome. But, do not fall for it, I repeat, DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN”
lol. He is a master manipulator, I am not a genius by chance lol. The good genes came from the pa. He’ll want to know all about you, he’ll listen and celebrate your awesomeness and then he will angle his story accordingly. Lol. He never talks about himself first. Haha. I can’t forget how my friend Kristina left my home genuinely wanting to ‘help my dad start his business and get back on his feet’ lol. I insisted that he has been helped to his feet a thousand times over in my lifetime and he always rips people off with some sad story as to why the business didn’t work out and why your $100, 000 investment has failed. Oh, no, it will never be his fault and oh yes, he will buy the chainsaw and go camp out in some woods for a few months coming home dirty and tired a few times but best believe that he will lose all the money in the end and his chainsaw will break down. Guaranteed. It’s a yearly cycle I have had the pleasure to observe first hand for 2 decades. Case Studied.
Anyhow, enough of my daddy issues. Read more in my book when it will have been published.
What was I talking about again? ummm….[pauses to reread] oh! The fact that I am an emotional mess, well, since I turned the angle on my dad, the tears stopped and I have been smiling so that’s a good thing. Lol. Well, I had just started feeling a little lonely and sad. I think I want to give a real relationship a chance again you know, but I am not sure I know how to. I have serious abandonment issues. So I genuinely feel like everyone in my life is transient and they will come and go. I don’t mind falling in love and giving a relationship my 100 even with this belief in the back of my head. However, I do think I subconsciously push men away as soon as I start caring getting attached emotionally because I feel more in control leaving before I am left you know what I mean?? Do you know what I mean??? ……