This may sound a bit off the path but it is not the first time I will have said this. Why be forced to live? Why is it that people who don’t want to be alive are encouraged to live. From an insider’s perspective yes, there are days when it feels better , when you believe the encouragement that everyone has given and you repeat the words like a song. There are days when a bible verse and some motivational videos pump you up high enough and you decide that ok, I think I can do this. I think I can live just a little bit longer, try just a little but harder. I can’t speak for anyone else but with this strong urge to just forego this whole existence, and nothing seems enough to keep you alive, there is no reason enough then why does every friend, every person you meet say yeah, it gets better.
I mean I don’t exactly doubt that it does but will I need someone to do this for me every single year, day in day out, months on end. Live, live, live. I think a lot of money is spent on keeping people alive who want to die. I mean, it is not your fault; your meaning any individual or professional who has had to support someone with no urge to live. I mean, it feels like an obligation to say to the person, you don’t have to do this. A lot of times, the person has not done it out of guilt, as in the guilt that others would have instilled in you by saying things like “think about your family, your friends, the people who love you”
For me, today the urge has a quieter voice. I think it gets weakened when I engage with people when I make an effort to stay in the land of the living. Fulfil my responsibilities or at least try. I cannot speak for anyone else who wants to do it because I think it really differs from individual to individual. If I told someone that I can remember life without this voice, I would be lying. It was always my obligation, or the feeling that I was responsible for my siblings or to my mom that encouraged me to delay it, endure it. But look at me now, 23 years old and wondering how much easier the choice was then that it is now. That is to say that I would have caused less damage then than I would now. A little less traumatic.