Look at that photo. Less than 24 hours ago I was “feeling myself”. On top of the world. Not over the moon just content and happy and damn fly! Haha! 😁.
Well I woke up this morning ok. Until I tried booking an Airbnb for my trip on Tuesday and it didn’t go through. Sighs. I checked my account balance – $3.11 available. How come??? I got paid just 2 days ago. Fuck me!!
I finally found a psychiatrist in the area and I had my first session with him. It went well. We connected well as past adopted “Newfies” and the conversation flowed. I hate how mechanical most psychiatrists are. They just ask you checklist questions and prescribe medication they think you need without actually listening to you. Stupid people. I don’t know why some of them even go into health care I swear it’s just for the money and status. They don’t care. They suck at their job. Fucking suck I tell you. He decided I needed to take a higher dosage of seroquel – the antipsychotic since I still experience some of the symptoms daily. I explained to him I am ok with that because when I take the “correct” dosage I end up walking around like a fucking zombie. I can’t get up out of bed and when I do I can’t emote, I suck at conversation, I feel numb and I am just existing. Sighs. I don’t want that. Nobody wants that.
I have put a few measures in place to help with my impulsive spending but it looks like it didn’t work so well. I also got blown off by a so called “family” member on the day of my driving test. I wasted 58$ I really didn’t have. I booked a trip to Newfoundland to go support a friend and I really couldn’t afford that either. Missing my driving test fucked every plan as I only booked a one way ticket and planned on driving back and now I’m so upset with myself and it’s fucking with my mood and I want to stop crying and forgive myself and all, but here I am; curled up in bed with my teddy, just looking for some comfort and working through my thoughts.
Well, there you have it. A moment of truth. This is what it’s like. I overreact to everything. It’s not by choice. I really do try. I try so hard to not react but at the end of the day, I’m human. I’m not perfect, I’m making genuine effort to be better, to help myself and it’s ok. It’s ok. I’ll be fine. I’ll get up, take a shower, and show up. Like a motherfucking King! Cuz that’s what we do. We show up. Even when we don’t feel like it. We show up.
Don’t bail on me when I need you. I can’t handle it and I won’t accept it. Because I always show up for others when they need me. Always.
Anyway, I hope this helps someone. Hug your demons. Tell them thanks for showing you who you really are and go on with your day. Cuz you’re a boss. Lol.
Set the intentions for your week and slay them by whatever means.
Like my block/fraternity motto says “Bold enough to ensure anything, from beginning to the end.”
~ Champion Alpha, Irvine Hall, UWI Mona.