I found a new psychiatrist. We had a great chat before the serious stuff and we connected over being alumni of the same university. It was nice. Then he started the checklist. Oh, I hate the checklist. It is so impersonal, I am no longer Imani, I become the girl with bipolar disorder.
Are you feeling low right now? Do you have any thoughts of hurting yourself? Hopelessness? How many hours do you sleep at night? any drug or alcohol use in the last 24hrs? Irritable? How many sexual partners have you had in the last 7 days? yada yada yada.
He thinks I have mixed episodes and he prescribed a new drug that costs 165$/month and he thinks I should be taking a higher dosage of seroquel – the anti-psychotic because of the tactile hallucinations among other things. Like seriously, who am I hurting by scratching my skin frequently? who am I hurting by talking “too much”? by sharing “too much”? by having sex “too much”? by crying “too much”? blah blah fucking blah. If it hurts no one but myself I refuse to medicate for it. REFUSE.
I am human. Where is your empathy? These drugs do not heal us, they sedate us, numb us, silence our minds and make us holograms, and silhouettes of ourselves. I refuse to kill myself before I die.
Today, today I feel drained. I feel here but not here. I am weepy. I feel everything. Everything.
I Feel Everything
I feel the earth wailing
bending and bawling
I feel the sadness of the wind
I feel it for the parents who lost a child
For the neglected pets
I feel it for the husband who lost his wife to cancer
For the wife who lost her husband to depression, drugs and alcohol
I feel it for that 8 year old somewhere out there taking care of their sick parents
That child who has to mother her siblings
I feel it for that family who is cold and hungry and sees no help coming
I feel it for the loners who are living in crowds
The constant anxiety
I feel it for the woman will never leave her abuser and stays in the name of love
I feel for the people in half hearted relationships giving their all…
I feel too much…
I think too much…
I want to much…
I dream too much…
I have too many goals…
I am tired. Just for today.
But you know what?
I am happy I am crying
For I remember the days when it hurts so much I feel nothing.
I hate that more. I want to feel
I will learn to own my feelings and listen to them
To talk myself through my “feelings”
To love myself in spite of.
I am content with being
Just a little “too much”.