Hi guys! I hope your week has been off to an amazing start and you enjoyed Mon-day (your day) Mon is french for my you get the gist? right? haha.
Well, this is a mini series I will be sharing on for I don’t know how long. Let’s see where it takes us. Essentially it is a self confrontation series. As you may or may not know I have two books that I started writing and that I have shared a prologue to on this blog but I have stopped writing both. Why? Because it is hard. Not the writing, but the feelings that come with the writing. Both books are self therapy tools. One is titled “Just a Little Girl With Daddy Issues” and the other “Depression, Anxiety and Mania: Talking Back to the Voice(s)”
Both are deeply personal and requires a lot of self confrontation and to be honest, it isn’t as easy as I would like to think it is. Do you know therapy is not easy? This is why most people attend one or two sessions and then give up. Because it essentially forces you to talk about things you have repressed and suppressed over the years that are now manifesting in your thoughts and actions towards self and others unconsciously and we are essentially shitting on people who didn’t shit on us. It is not ideal. Not at all. I am yearning for a serious relationship; one where I can commit wholeheartedly and feel secure. Yes, I said it. I have major insecurities, major. Which is what I hope to delve into through this series. I want to confront the lady in the mirror and ask her to acknowledge, process and release these negative emotions, thoughts and feelings. To allow herself to become. To make room for the happiest, healthiest version of myself. So here goes 😁😅
I only realized this today. Yes, today November 12, 2018. I would play scenarios in my head about why I can no longer live where I am living because the people are tired of me. Yup
So a little background. I moved around a lot growing up and I still am. I tell myself it gives me peace of mind. Which to some extent is true, but, yes there is a but. I realized today that this may be my conscious mind’s way; my ego (Freudian theory) of putting a band aid over a bigger, deep seated issue. I moved around a lot primarily because at some point my parents were not able to take care of me. I grew up thinking that I was an accident, I wasn’t planned for and in truth that was the situation. I mean, a lot of children were not planned for but their parents did their utmost to support them after finding out they were pregnant and about to bring a child into the world. Well, not mine. At least to me, they didn’t. I was literally raised by a village. I was passed from one hand to the other. An aunt here, a cousin there, a close family friend here. They all did their best, sure. But, the people who carried me into this world; no. They were and still are so cavalier about my existence in this world I often think that if I were to disappear, they’d breathe a hefty sigh of relief. They’d raise their hands and heads to the heavens and say “Thank you Jesus” one less burden to think about. Legit.
I was sent around to so many people to beg for my basic needs I wonder how I didn’t end up a prostitute of some kind. Trust me, the thought has crossed my mind way too many times to count. I still pray prayers of gratitude for my aunt who introduced me to church from a very tender age. If it were not for my religious beliefs I can guarantee you that I would not be the person I am today. I would have become a stripper or prostitute or ended my own life a long time ago. A long long time ago. It was this belief in a higher existence than my current one that kept me through many days and nights of “bad thoughts”.
I have never been able to stay with any one relative for 3 consecutive months without wanting to leave. My brain would start it’s conspiracy theories about how they have been treating me differently, how they have been giving me the cold shoulder and have been suggesting indirectly that it is time to leave. These are my honest feelings. I understand now that it does not mean this was in fact what was happening.
I spent most of my years predominantly in a household with my mom. She doesn’t touch you unless it is to beat you. She doesn’t do hugs and she doesn’t do kind words. Period. I have never in my entire 23 years gotten a compliment or affirmation from my mother. Consequently I am very distrustful of women. It is very difficult for me to interpret love from a woman.
On the flip side, my dad was warm, loving, cheerful and all round a welcoming person. He would hug me a lot, told me how beautiful and smart I am, how successful I will be in life, how I can become anything I want to be, how proud he was of me etc etc. My dad was the opposite of my mom when it came to how they express love. So, I think you may be getting where I am coming from and where I am going with this.
Because of these experiences, I was more drawn to men. I was a tom boy growing up. I had and still have mostly male friends, I genuinely prefer male company over females. I just feel the love is more genuine and I feel safer in a man’s presence than I do a woman. I do not trust people period. My dad made way too many promises he didn’t fulfill and my mom would coax me in with “loving” gestures which for her was feeding me and then she’d beat my ass and verbally abuse me. Naw fam. Now that I have a choice, I avoid that kind of energy; female energy. Period. All my female friends now likely understand that I love and appreciate them but I can’t be around them for too long. Nope.
I can chill with my niggas (brothers/male friends) for hours, days at a time and I’ll be A-Ok. My cousins and I have the closest relationship; my male cousins that is. But the women in my family and I have a very tense relationship. We hit it off ever too often. My soul is just at angst around them. They fuck with my zen and positive aura and my energy is just whack when I am around feminine energy for too long. It suffocates me. Quite literally. I start feeling stressed, or burnt out and whew it’s just too much.
So, to cap things off. I have just acknowledged my insecurities around feeling unwanted. I am still processing the emotions, thoughts and memories that come with this feeling and hopefully with time (sooner rather than later I hope) I will release this negative energy back into the universe for it to be recycled. I am no longer harbouring it, there is no more room for it in my psyche, I am cleaning out my mind’s closet and it is the first of many skeletons to go. I am light. I cannot carry these things around anymore.
Imani, you are wanted, you are loved, you are worth wanting, you are enough and you have a beautiful mind and soul to offer to this world. You are here by choice. You are a deliberate conscious choice made by the universe. Of the millions of sperms you are here. You deserve the void you occupy in this physical existence. You are becoming.
P.S. The Imani that the world sees is a woman who fought to become. Dear human, fight! Rewrite your code. Confront yourself and change your internal narrative. You can do it. Sharing is hard. You may not choose the therapy I chose but choose something.