Well, I didn’t go on my knees and get a ring and all that but I did proposition them with marriage. I don’t know the numbers and I’m not ready to face that yet so I won’t count. But essentially when I start doing really well; as in achieving my life goals and shit and I start getting afraid I start grappling. Yeah, I’m afraid of success. I am afraid to succeed. Not because I worry I can’t do it. Oh no, I’m definitely gonna smash the fuck out of all my goals. But, the narratives don’t sound very appealing. The lonely parts. I am not the most fond of humans. I much rather the company of other “lesser” animals. I would be the happiest woman alive living in the woods in a cottage filled with books next to river with the ocean close by. That’s my happy place. And I find little gems like those to disappear to when I am overwhelmed by human contact. I can’t tell you where sorry 😄 I like to think I’m a celebrity and people will come looking for me when I do my disappearing acts so I keep it to myself 😁.
Anyho, back to the men. Yeah. The 2 most recent propositions went a little like this.
We’ll nickname him that because he is. He’s a kid and I’m probably a predator. I think we’re the same chronological age but I’m far more mature than he. It was a selfish move no doubt. I’m very selfish. I kinda put my needs first. Or, at least I try to. Because like I said to colleague of mine the other day when she said “Yuh too full a yuhself” My response: “Den miss, if mi nuh full a miself who a do it fimi??” And it’s a legitimate question. If you don’t love you, do you really think some Prince Charming or knight in Shinning Armour is going to come love you for you??? 😄😄😄 Now that’s what I call delusional. So hey, Mi full a miself bad. Fi mi and everybody else. That’s not so hard to translate to English, go figure. English is not my first language, Jamaican Patois is 😝
So I propositioned the guy on the basis that this country here is flipping cold. And I don’t just mean the whether. The people too. They are rigid, regimental and live for the weekends well, some do. Some work 6 or even 7 days per week. All I All, it’s a very sad existence here. I mean, I love making money too and being independent and blah blah. But if it is at the risk of me living and loving my life 24/7 then it’s not the right job for me. That’s not the right life for me. But hey, to each his own right.
My schedule always always has to be flexible and open. Because some days I will wake up and not feel like being a #bossbabe or be in #beastmode. Naw fam, fuck that. Don’t get me wrong. I love my life and what I do. I do. But I will never be ON all the time. It’s ridiculous if you ask me, but hey, wtf do I know.
The guy is always complaining about his job one way or another. Overworked, underpaid blah blah blah. So I now, say here what, I have been on the prowl for a husband for the last 2 years. And let me tell you, I have kissed way too many frogs on this quest to find my king. I comfort myself with the old adage “goods things are hard to find”.
Of the few I’ve propositioned, they questioned self control and determination and I 🤣🤣. Let me tell you something I AVOID PERFECT PEOPLE. They cannot be satisfied. Ask them if they are pleased with themselves and their response will either be vague or yes but. Me?? Me sir?? Me miss?? I am unapologetically wild and unabashed. I have an insatiable appetite for everything I like. And some of the top of my list are; sex, food and goal setting and smashing, and almost most importantly learning and knowledge and personal growth.
Guy 2 is just a great friend who I thought deserved more you know and I love him. It’s a kind of I will always love you kinda love. I will care for you kinda love. Not sexual. No. Nooo. But I am the type that can grow to become sexually attracted to someone. As in, I’m sapiosexual. I fall for beautiful minds and I love mind and souls first. Body though important is tertiary. Anyway, he basically started questioning my integrity even before we tried. And da gyal ya is just too fucking awesome to spend her days translating her soul to anyone who already has firm preconceptions of her. Naw fam.
Now, I am not prowling anymore. I’m just chilling in my own skin. Taking care of me. Focusing on me. My goals, aspirations etc. Making plans and just moving in silence loudly. Yeah man.
You deserve it all. If you ordered a pot roast with rosemary and string beans don’t accept anything else. Hold your own. Chin up and strut. Supermodels own that runway, all alone. Let them cheer you on but look beyond the crowd and focus.