I don’t know. Lately I have been thinking a lot about whether or not a diagnosis has helped me. Personally, I don’t exactly think so. I think it has made me into a person that explains away my complacency. I have an explanation for why I stay in bed for days, why I don’t groom my hair for weeks, why my room is a mess. I have an explanation for my poor fiscal management, for how am not keeping in touch with my family and friends.
You know, when I was in high school and I didn’t complete an assignment for whatever reason I never lied to my teachers? I would just look them dead in the eye and tell them I didn’t do it. Why? They’d ask and I’d just say, I just didn’t do it. End of discussion. I just do not like excuses. I like accountability. I like people who take their responsibilities seriously. I do not like making excuses and quite frankly I think this whole thing has become an excuse.
This is not to say that it isn’t real, or it doesn’t impair my abilities sometimes. It is to say that before a label I pushed through. I got up and found ways to keep getting up and showing up and getting the job done. And I always did excellent work.
I remember Mrs Coates; my high school history teacher used to say I was “dry yeye” which in our vernacular meant I was bare faced, shameless, wrong and strong 😄. It meant I knew when I was in the wrong but I was rarely if ever remorseful. She was honest.
I went through the Jamaica Defence Force’s Officers Selection Board as I wanted to serve a term as an officer in the army. I like being in charge of others. Maybe it’s a consequence of being a first born with so many younger siblings and cousins, I can’t say. But I love it. It gives me purpose. It is easier for me to wake up everyday and execute because I know that there are people who are depending on me to show up and guide them, help them figure things out. I enjoy collaborating; once I get to spare head the operations of the team 😄 I am my best self then.
Can I tell you something I haven’t said out loud? Well, I did a day ago when I was having a moment with my friend Lav but she doesn’t take me serious in those times because I’m just having a moment. Well it has been on my mind a lot and it could be Mother Nature’s clock thing or maybe I spend so much time taking care of other people’s children and I enjoy it so much but the feeling isn’t passing. I think I want a baby 😄🤣 *whew* there I said it. Finally. I want a baby.
I always tell people their feelings are valid and they should air their thoughts if even just to self. Which I guess is what I do when I journal. I air my thoughts. Except my journal is public and that scares the shit out of my family and friends.
I am aware of what I share. Trust me. Anyhow, I don’t want to raise a child alone, plus I have a few other things to take care of; student loans, further studies, new business, personal savings, independence, life basically. Life. I don’t think that has deterred anyone from having a child before so I don’t see why it should deter me. We figure things out, that’s what we do as humans, as animals, as living things. We figure things out as they come.
So when I’m dating, I’m not doing it for the excitement, or to avoid feeling lonely or just to have an activity partner. I’m dating intentionally. I’m looking for a partner, a friend, and someone who’ll make a good parent.
We are so worried especially as women about how others perceive us based on our sex and dating lives. I have people in my life keeping count 🤣 and I just say kudos to you all. Thanks, I guess… because I don’t care. Sex is as essential to life to me as drinking water and eating food. Just like you shouldn’t just drink any water or put just about any food in your body I think it’s the same for sexual partners. Be conscious and intentional. I am. It may not look that way to those watching but how is that my problem? I am not settling because I am watching my numbers or I want something social media worthy, or because my family thinks s/he is nice or because it’s ok and could be worst. I’m plucking a grape from the bunch, tasting and Mmmm aaaahhh well – ing and taking my precious time to find the one that is just right. 😊
So yeah, I started this with wondering about whether I am pushing myself less because I have an explanation for my feelings and constant cognitive changes, I dived into my desire to have a baby, and my quest for finding the right fit. 😄 Life is just like that; Beautifully messy. Art and poetry.
Feel the sun today. Take note of where you are and thank the heavens for the things you have now that you once prayed for and air your thoughts out. Put it on paper if you don’t want to talk it over with anyone else. Just air it…
Me? I’m alive and you best believe I’m grateful for that.
Chin up buttercup! #chiselon #faithit #dweetfraid
With immense gratitude,