Sometimes I stay put. I lay in bed and flood my mind with random videos and images on YouTube and elsewhere. The voices get loud sometimes and the urges get so strong. I want to punch myself, to run until I collapse, to clamber our my eyes,…to die. To just no longer exist. I hardly slept last night, it was dreadful waking up. Dreadful. Why? A stupid question I know.
I just try to stay still. Not move. If I don’t move I can’t hurt myself right?
Well, I just don’t know if I can do this. Live you know. Things are relatively ok now, but it’s idealistic. Realistically it isn’t a long term situation. There is so much to say but I’ll refrain.
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to maintain a long term career, like do one thing consistently and be able to support myself and family…that scares me. Sometimes I don’t know the things I know I know, I can’t put my thoughts together well. Well at least I think so and feel that way but those around me say I seem ok and I’m coherent. On the inside though I’m frazzled. Fraying by the edges. Shaking.
What if my family gives up on me, as in they’ve had enough of this? Of me? My inconsistencies and instability? I’m scared…I’m terribly scared. Who will care for me when I can’t care for myself? 😭
I avoid my family and even friends for this very reason. I’m trying not to be overbearing because I know they want to see me thriving, as do I, but honestly, some days I can just survive, some days I’m barely surviving…
I just want to go
Dweet Fraid 