I opened my last post with the intention of sharing how different everything seems when I’m low vs. high, but as you know, things don’t always turn out the way we intended.
Well, I’m going to try to share that now. You see, I hardly write and stay away from people and situations that require the use of any complex mental energy when I’m low, primarily because:
1. Everything is harder to comprehend. I know the words coming out of your mouth, I understand them to some extent but I falter somewhere during the feedback loop of the communication channel and it all just seems scrambled. Nothing I say sounds like it makes sense. It seems convoluted and may never actually be an answer to the question(s) asked.
2. I reread my old entries and they make no sense. They don’t seem valuable or worth sharing and I berate myself for putting it out there like that and making a fool of myself on widely public platforms.
So I delete my instagram, deactivate my Facebook, I don’t Snapchat, I limit the status sharing and overall communication on WhatsApp and I try to hide my brokenness from the world.
I don’t know that I’ve managed to put this in the right words to convey the effect of depression on the neuropsychology of the brain. Cognitively I am not the same person. I don’t have the same abilities. It is why I often ponder about the similarities between bipolar disorder and multiple personality disorder now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. The difference though I think is that for the most part the bipolar brain remembers everything if even not in fine details and there is a closeness between the diverging parts of the self. Self at angst.
Everything is different even though it is the same. The simplest to the most complex of things; light, darkness, intimacy (of course I’d have to mention that), the sun, the rain, the trees, loved ones, people, everything. Things literally metamorphose. I even feel as though my vision gets worst when I’m high and the need for my glasses increases. It’s weird, it’s my experience…
Well that’s essentially my view, sometimes 9 sometimes 6.