They say the journey of a thousand miles begin with the first step. I don’t know about anyone else but the first step is always the easiest for me. A colleague; Shane Patterson an amazing visual artist once asked, what is your impetus? In short, I told him it was the fact that I was very aware of my own mortality. I am distinctly aware of the fact that I am dying and that I could literally give up this mortal flesh any minute and so I live life full. I take life by the horns and I ride. I do all the things I want to do, try all the things I want to try, I throw my whole heart into my passions and I love, I love fiercely.
The downside to this pathological passion for love and life is that I hurt deeply when life throws me curve balls. I’m resilient in that I face them knowing full well that I am going to overcome them but aye boi, that doesn’t make it any easier.
You see, I am happy, immensely so. I am grateful to have met and married someone who loves as deeply as I do. I married the water to my fire and no he doesn’t try to doze me.
He quenches my thirst and soothes my soul when it aches. I just don’t find very many people I can trust. I don’t think it is paranoia. I think these are valid feelings that stem from my trust being violated by most people. It comes from being blatantly lied to and stabbed in the back. I remember a quotation that said something along the lines of “real friends stab you in the front” and I relate to that.Honestly, with my illness and personality I guess I have found myself in some really bad situations and 9 times out of 10 it was a friend or stranger who helped me out. I don’t ever want to forget those people. No matter what. I pray that no matter how high up the elevators of life take me that I remember those who helped me up when I was down.
And I pray for the strength to love those who looked at me while I was down and walked away without offering to help me up. I pray for the strength to be better than those who have hurt me, I want to “kill them with love” as the popular saying goes.
And that my friend is my prayer tonight. To love those who willfully hurt me and those who turned their backs on me. And to never forget the ones who gave to me from what little they had.
With my deepest love,