I just don’t think people understand how hard I have to fight daily for my sanity, my peace. It took a lot of years of training myself to not be reactive and to learn how to respond to situations that could destabilize me. Like so many of us I had a difficult upbringing, I don’t think my life story is unique so I try not to go around with labels of childhood trauma. But I spent so many years being the strong one and allowing everyone else to breakdown while I picked up the pieces of life and trudged on.
My mom was arrested; everyone cried and I had to soothe my siblings. How could I too cry?
My cousin died; everyone cried, I couldn’t. I washed his bloody clothes and cleaned the bloody room.
My grandfather was old and sick and very demanding; I tolerated and empathized and cleaned him and his room. And I did it with a smile knowing that one day I too might get old and grumpy.
I survived days, months, weeks and years that we’re meant to break me.
So when I fall apart over the seemingly “little things” I cry so hard for all the tears I didn’t shed all those years. I feel the pain of two decades in 1 hour and it hurts. It’s heavy, really heavy and I just wanna learn to put it down.
Lately, I have been avoiding staying in my room because when those doors close I feel as though I am suffocating. It forces me to face all my problems and that’s ok, but anxiety has this fucked up way of talking really fast and saying everything all at once and it’s like a 2 year old screaming at you while asking 101 questions you really don’t have the answers to and quite frankly I can’t always quiet that voice on my own.
So I leave home. I go to the mall, sit at McDonald’s or Starbucks. Last evening I went to the movies after and it was a great movie, funny and insightful. The entire time I was sitting there I kept flexing my shoulders, taking deep breaths just trying my hardest to relax but my shoulders were so tense, my chest was tight and my throat just felt like it was closing in…😔😭 I’m trying god damn it!
To add insult to injury the humans in my life keep letting me down. I literally have two people currently that I can rely on and there are times when I don’t want to be a bother to them because quite frankly I am a lot to handle.
I have never had a secure attachment in my life. I just don’t trust humans; they (we) are unreliable, disloyal and selfish. We are motivated by our own desires and greeds and consequently are designed to keep hurting each other. (Of course this is just my opinion; after all it’s my blog)
Whatever, I can’t change people. I can only change myself. So yeah, I avoid anything and anyone that fucks with my peace; my sanity, because truthfully I don’t know what I’m capable of if triggered. Some folks dive off the deep end never to return. I’m trying to stay on board so if I don’t talk to you PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME. I DO NOT LIKE YOU, I DO NOT TRUST YOU AND I AM DOING US BOTH A FAVOUR BY AVOIDING YOU.
Just please, leave me alone. I avoid prison, you avoid death. It’s a no brainer.