There was this episode in Grey’s Anatomy where there was a ship crash I believe and the doctors had to be on scene to help who they could. Meredith was helping a man who accidentally pushed her into the ocean. She didn’t try to swim, she just sunk and she was at peace for a little while then someone rudely fished her out of oblivion but she wouldn’t resuscitate. She was hypothermic and I believe hooked up to machines for a while. She was happier in the Gap between life and death. I mean; you’re not gone enough to be dead but you’re not alive and get to “live” in your headspace where anything is possible.
Numerous dead people she knew was urging her back but she wasn’t particularly interested.
I’m not sure what it took but she came to some time after and was promptly sent to a psychiatrist for counselling as everyone knew she could swim so why didn’t she?
She refused to accept the label; “I am not suicidal, I almost drowned!”
Well right now I can relate to Meredith, It feels like I’m drowning but it looks like I am just refusing to swim, I saw an opening to oblivion and I took it. Only it doesn’t feel very peaceful…
As usual, I am long winded and perhaps my story is convoluted because it’s easier to write prose than to write an autobiography. I hope some day I learn to write my autobiographies as prose, and create characters so I can externalize my pain.
I’m drowning even though I can swim…