I am not sure why I am, or what I am angry about? I’ve been getting these moments of rage almost everyday for the last 3 weeks I think. As usual, I write to figure out what’s going on inside that I am not vocalizing out loud. It’s nice writing, I don’t have to deal with saying it to someone who feels the need to offer some sort of response.
Mmm, this time last year was horrid for me. I suppressed as much as I could and carried on with life as usual. I married a horrid human in the midst of mania last year who spent the entire holiday berating me for being a bad wife because I couldn’t afford to travel to see him last Christmas since I’d spent so much to be there only 3 months prior 🙄
The man came out as trans (sexual or gender I do not know for when I brought it up he would just argue). Now, I am a little fucked in the head and it comes with it’s fair share of challenges and I accepted this human for all I was made privy to before marriage but to spring the whole I dress as a woman thing on me not even two months into marriage I was enraged. I am angry. I’m really angry because I wasn’t allowed to ask about it, to talk about it like grown ass folks. 😂 I was just supposed to know and accept this because 💥 “you’re my wife” FUCK THAT!
No, absolutely not. This is not how this shit works. At least not in my head. I’d never say to any other human – that until death do us part nonsense. It’s quite frankly childish and preposterous. I’m not Jesus, not a saint of any sort and I will not love anyone “comes what may”
Imagine being emotionally and verbally abused by a $€%£}]
I dare not say for the internet is quite unforgiving. I had the stereotypes thrown my way when I decided to marry a physically disabled person who was more than a decade older than I, and happened to be Caucasian and Canadian. No one hid their assumptions – sugar daddy, citizenship marriage. The man himself when he was enraged whenever he couldn’t have his way said he always knew I would steal from him 🤣 and that people were right, I only married him for papers 🤣
How massively fucked up am I ?? I think some part of me was trying to be virtuous or something. I try not to blame mania for having made that decision so quickly to jump into marriage with a medical mystery 😂 ah gosh. I probably am more than just a little fucked in the head. I’m so angry and I just don’t know how to get it out! I workout, but trust me, sit-ups have not been helping with this rage.
I try meditating…suppress, suppress, suppress. I don’t know what I want to hear to feel better about this…I’m angry, I’m outraged…..I feel such disgust when I think of him. I don’t know what that makes me but I’m not into that shit and I reserve that right. You don’t sneak something like that onto someone.
I saw him after the reveal and every time he touched me my skin crawled and my muscles tensed up. I couldn’t hug him, or kiss him, not cuddle on those cold winter nights. I slept at the edge of the bed and anxiety kept me awake every night for fear he would touch me in my sleep. Revolted. He just became a nasty unrecognizable person when I refused to jump when he asked 😄 he was on the phone telling friends how I became a nun neglecting to tell them he wears female clothes, breasts and a wig?????!!
I mean, I’m open minded and all for people doing whatever the fuck makes them happy but it certainly doesn’t mean I would roll around in bed with them. 🤮
I feel this rage in my bones, my muscles….I’ve done a lot of pushing it to the back burner all 2020 but God knows I can’t bring this into 2021. The worst part is I didn’t feel like I could talk about it with anyone. I hate when people put their fucked up secrets on people carrying enough fucking trauma already!!!!!!!!! GO TO THERAPY!!!!!
I better talk to my therapist soon about this because it’s not going away and I don’t want to just handle it anymore as that’s obviously not working.
🤦🏾♀️ I’ve done some real stupid shit in my quarter life.