Oh how quickly one oscillates from isn’t it beautiful to this….. *Deep breath*
Don’t read this if your day is cheery, as I do not wish to cast a gloom over it. I’m writing to stop my hands from hurting me. I wish it wasnt like this. But alas, if wishes were horses beggars would ride or whatever that saying says.
I read about a quarter through two finance books this past year, I feel as though I stop when I can’t take anymore slaps in the face. I think it’s hard for me to face the truth about my poor spending habits; living above my means and all, so when the writers start taking constant jabs with this basic tried and true advice that has permeated the space for millenniums the voices of criticism and self destruction get so loud, I put the book down and cover it with daily planner and go to get a glass of that wine I bought on credit.
My God Imani, how slow can you possibly be
You are a walking talking oxymoron
You hate the very thing that you are
You ought to learn to be more forgiving of others for you my friend are no better.
Haha. Ok, enough with the self depreciating thoughts spilling over the edges of mind.
I keep saying I am trying but am I really? Am I really trying? To get my shit together you know? Whew! Today is the last day of Kwanzaa; typically my favourite and while I want to meditate on today’s principle Imani – Yes that’s why it’s my favourite, I tell myself every year that it is a celebration of me and everything I stand for which in all honesty is true. Even while I ramble and feel so out of control I wholeheartedly believe that I can and will figure this out and gain the control ( or the relative control) that I desire. I have faith in my journey, my lineage, my community and my people. I know that we can pull ourselves out of centuries of learnt poverty. Poverty of mind.
It’s no coincidence that I have these goals I speak so frequently.
But every time I order UberEats when there is food in my fridge and pantry, every time I Lyft when the transit system works just fine because I do not like the discomfort (smh, seriously, I’m tired of my shit). If you see the way I live you’d really think this girl has her money together or someone taking care of her. You know who that someone is? Mr. Credit. My gosh; when I became manic in 2020, I fucked my savings, I really fucked it hard. Then, when my grandma passed and I couldn’t attend her funeral or contribute; I sobered up a little, well alot, in 2 months I paid off some credit card debts and my credit score went from poor to good. I was doing ok, I started working harder and trying my hardest to stay stable… I was aware that I was manic and I thought I was doing ok managing for a bit. I got a therapist and all. Then I rushed hastily into a new business venture, oh my fucking God. *deep breath* I’m trying to calm myself down because no one forced my hand in any of these things. I started the spending spree again; I racked up the credit cards to start this new thing, what is a savings account? I was running full forced, I got an old car as a gift, I spent quite a bit to get it road worthy, I went from every weekend at the beach (lake) to dining out every Friday night rationalizing that “I deserve this break, I am working so hard” Kmt. I’m annoyed with myself and just managing me feels like that full time job that you are over worked, management sucks and there is no HR to report to. It feels like ” I am not paid enough to deal with this bs” haha. Ok, well at least that made me chuckle internally.
I should write an Ode to the World Wide Web for you are the friend I can bear to bare my soul to just when I need to. *deep sighs* I am calmer now, I am feeling more hopeful. Thank you.
I know I am not the only one battling these poor habits and I pray with you all that we find the strength and courage to change our life’s rhetoric. I pray we remember to be patient with ourselves and to understand that this is a part of our story too, it may not be our favourite chapter but it certainly isn’t the last. I pray we remember that we hold the pen, we are the screenwriters and the protagonist and it’s up to us to bring this characters’ strengths to light and have the courage to develop on our weaknesses.
What a difference a few minutes of pouring out my he-art makes.
Thank you for giving an ear (or eyes haha) to my musings.