It usually does this…hit me all at once…on a random day when something seemingly random happens. It triggers the feels and then suddenly I feel. I haven’t felt in months and today it feels all new and I don’t hate being bipolar or let me correct myself; having bipolar disorder.
It’s been about a month and a half since Mr. D left. If you’re new here, Mr. D is what I call depression or a depressive episode. When he’s around; oxygen is scarce, he backs me into a dark, wooded forest where there are no trails, no paths and the fog is thick and heavy. It’s not beautiful, it’s dense and lifelessly silent. There are no lights, no wolves howling in the night, no crickets chirping, no stream running.
It’s been about a month and a half since I started to turn the lights on again, cook again, talk to my loved ones and not hate the sun, nor the sound of others existing.
It’s been about a month and a half since I started doing laundry weekly, shower even if I’m not going to work, groom my hair, care about how I’m dressed.
It’s been about a month and half since I stopped obsessively thinking about going downtown to source some heroin and fuck off into bliss…forever.
It’s been about a month and a half that I haven’t hit my chest repeatedly imagining I had a knife in my fist…
Today, well, just about an hour ago my friend Lav shared this song and it happened; just all at once after so many months, I felt again.
It’s so nice to feel.
***Cue the waterworks and the perfervid emotions***
Maybe now I’ll mourn my grandma Teeny and just you know… care again.