Is It Only He Who Can Love Me?

I often share about how much I love myself, truthfully I’m not lacking in the self love nor loathing department lol. Lady M and Mr. D has those locked. Together we’ve found the perfect balance of “we’re good over here”.

What I often contend with emotionally though is feeling or being too much for others. I have some amazing friends that have been there with me through and through but partners? not yet

I try to use – not yet, so as not to write myself out of what the universe has in store for me while I sit with these big feelings. I haven’t been pursued seriously in quite a while. I spent a little over a year in a marriage that I am still mulling over. I’m still trying to answer the why question as we were vastly incompatible and I went into it eyes wide open knowing full well I have nothing in common with this person but the fact that we are both “disabled” (I prefer the term differently abled, but for ease of communication I’ll stick to the former).

When asked why I married this man; my response was primarily that he understood the challenges I faced with dealing with life and others as a person with an illness that is often debilitating and I always felt safe being honest with him about what I was going through and you know what? Feeling heard and understood doesn’t come around often so I leaned into that.

I got married to a man I didn’t have romantic feelings for simply because he listened and he understood me or at least he tried. That was something I loved deeply with my Dad and it was comforting finding it in a partner.

Well, here I am now, 26 and separated and hating the world of dating because I either feel like just a piece of meat or too much for these immature men.

All I’m saying now is;

God I see what you’re doing for others and I’m praying for patience as you continue working on what you’re going to do for me.

And while I wait on a love that only God has thus far given me I pray that I continue to grow into the person I am to be. I pray that I learn to stay on this bull of bipolarity and to be excellent regardless. I pray that I never lose hope in achieving my four big life goals no matter how far they may seem away.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

To change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

🌻 lean towards the sun baby