Depression Wants You to Disappear…

But you shouldn’t. Today, in my 27th year I have come to appreciate the idea of participation trophies. I used to think it was foolish and unwise to set children up with this idea that they will be rewarded even if they came in last. I thought only the winners should get trophies and that telling your children anything but, would set them up for failures and unhappiness in the future when no one would reward them as adults just for participating. Well, lately that’s all I have been able to do; participate. I’m just showing up and doing my best; not THE best but MY best. And when I refer to showing up I’m quite literally referring to showing up to the parade of the living. Yeah, I’m referring staying alive.

I feel for my partner lately, because this is my 8th day of sitting on the sofa. For 8 days the most productive things I have done is grocery shopping and visiting my aunt. I mean, I’ve made breakfast and dinner a few times over those 8 days, and I’ve showered everyday (this part is my brain doing the thing it does where it makes me feel better by giving me factual evidences of me having not just existed on the sofa for 8 days. And by the way I can only do this when journaling, so in lieu of therapy I come here, to you; the internet). I went for a 30 minute walk 2 days ago at night. I went to the gym a few days ago and swam 20 laps. But then I went to the ER yesterday for an elevated heart rate, chest tightness, difficulty breathing and weakness. This of course was triggered when I dozed off on one of those workless days at home. The doctor, nurses and all my friends asked if there is something I am stressed about to which I replied not at all; at least not consciously. What are you worried about Imani?

Mmmm….Maybe it’s the fact that I quit yet another minimum wage paying 9-5 to focus full-time on my business yet haven’t actually put in any hours into that since. Hehe. This is why depression wants me to disappear; it tries to convince me that this all is pointless and where I think I am making progress I am actually deeper in shit than I probably have ever been but maybe just maybe I am growing more resilient and coping better and that makes him feel like shit. That makes Mr. D feel as though he is failing at convincing me to become a shut in, a recluse. I think Mr. D is feeling like a failure this year and maybe I am not able to feel anything enough to celebrate that now but I know that as the sun comes out and I continue to reflect as I do I will remember that this year I didn’t disappear.

I have learnt that participation trophies are awesome and that being here everyday and continuing to get up and show up inspite of everything is a fundamentally significant part of the winning process for if I am not even at the race how can I even fathom winning. So today, I want to congratulate you and hand you your virtual award for being here. Yes, you got that right. You are doing great for being here and participating in this living thing. Maybe today you didn’t finish first, or second but when you will have gone to bed to wake up tomorrow; that my friend is finishing.

I am proud of you for waking up today and participating and for finishing. You did it. You made it through another day and you have resolved to get up tomorrow and participate again. Congratulations!

Participating in the living parade

Published by Faith

I am human patiently accepting myself. I am unapologetic about being wild, and untamed. I am always open to new things and I only accept good vibe and positive energies. I love people and life and the world is my playground. I love children, animals and elderly people. I write to express and understand my thoughts, feeling and behaviors. It's self therapy and a visualization tool. I am a selfish loner at times a very sensitive INTJ. I am an aspiring psychological disorders and consumer behavior researcher and practitioner, living with Bipolar 1.

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