Since August of this year I have gone back into business for myself full time and it has required being constantly on the go, always taking calls and replying to messages, keeping up with content on the social media pages and just being available all the time to my clients.
I don’t like it.
There. I said it. I don’t like it. The last time I was sitting leisurely writing poetry was that September camping trip to Algonquin. The last time I truly leaned into leisure. If only for a few hours.
I took 10 days off after that and went to see Banff but as I introspect now that wasn’t very leisurely as I was constantly on the go sight seeing and doing activities and engaging with other people which meant managing self and self impressions. Sighs. I’m tired. It’s usually around this time of the year that I start to wind down and my soul starts to prepare for our 6 months of “hibernation” aka when Mr. D visits.
For those new here, Mr. D is what I call Depression. Bipolarity presents with two major symptoms or moods; Depression and Mania. Depression often comes with Anxiety and actually so does Mania.
I’m currently in the upper mood cycle of this illness and so I’m predominantly high energy, outgoing, interactive, productive, super kind, and inviting and all around open to new experiences. You know the whole love and light shit.
As winter approaches; I’m a winter solstice baby, the pendulum of my emotions and energy levels start to swing ever so gently the other way. Towards Mr. D. I’m mindful of it and I hope beyond hope that this year will be the year that I don’t have to contend with Depression or that it would be mild; manageable.
I’m particularly hopeful this year because I can truly say that this has been one of the better years of mania. I did spend excessively, I did do a multitude of things all the time, I did talk a lot and do the most lol but I didn’t have any breakdowns, I didn’t get into any fights, I didn’t burn the earth down, I didn’t quit any jobs, I wasn’t particularly irritable (well, not for any extended period) and all in all I kept it together this year. Better than any year I can remember. So I’d consider this year a success at managing Lady M – Mania.
Where I am presently, I need more downtime for sure and I might need to find someone to work for me doing the evening jobs as I’m feeling more and more exhausted lately and less and less like I’ll be able to manage my day clients and these evening contracts. So where that is concerned I need to find cover at least by mid to late December.
As I am writing to you now, I worked all day yesterday converting my walk in closet to a bedroom and my house is a mess with all the clothes and shoes from the closet and I’m so so tired and just need a day to lay down and do nothing. However, I have a client meal prep to do today which means grocery shopping and being over the stove for 4 plus hours. I’m super grateful for my work and I absolutely love what I do for my day clients but I’m weary of the evening jobs and the exhaustion I’ve been feeling. As I write now I’m perturbed about wasting time writing when there is so much to be done.
If you pray, pray for me as I walk this line of sanity and insanity. As I tread this line of working too much and working too little, of caring too much and caring too little, of doing the most and not doing enough.
Praying for strength and wisdom to do what’s right for me ❤️
Can we agree to stop telling people they have gained weight? Do we really think others don’t look in the mirror and know that they have been getting fatter? Do we think that they believe their clothes are shrinking and not that they are expanding?
Sighs, listen; I’m so so grateful to this body for holding me up and keeping me together through it all. Let me live ok.
I assure you; we know we are getting fat. Thanks for pointing out the obvious 😒
It’s my aunties for me I revere you Always on my pedestal There when I needed you most You scattered your roses right here on earth You bent over backwards to make sure we ate Never the dependent I admired my aunties especially you two of late. I know today is your day but I hope you guys meet Up there in glory And share all the good food you loved to eat We learnt how to cook And keep our place clean. We held our head high And we rode out our storms together until their end was nigh I love you auntie And I pray We may live the way you did; laughing a lot, Always dressed well, working hard for what we want Constantly learning and improving until the very end.
Yu Gonplei Ste Odon – Your fight is over.
“In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again”
I am letting go the resentment I harbour towards my parents for having 5 children in poverty and never working hard enough nor consistently enough to take care of all our basic needs and using us as beggars to the rest of the family to support us all.
I’m letting go of feeling as though I’m the primary caregiver to my 4 younger siblings and carrying the weight of their academic and financial success on my shoulders.
I’m letting go of being and acting tough and calloused emotionally so as not to automatically disqualify myself from the love and support that I deserve
I often share about how much I love myself, truthfully I’m not lacking in the self love nor loathing department lol. Lady M and Mr. D has those locked. Together we’ve found the perfect balance of “we’re good over here”.
What I often contend with emotionally though is feeling or being too much for others. I have some amazing friends that have been there with me through and through but partners? not yet
I try to use – not yet, so as not to write myself out of what the universe has in store for me while I sit with these big feelings. I haven’t been pursued seriously in quite a while. I spent a little over a year in a marriage that I am still mulling over. I’m still trying to answer the why question as we were vastly incompatible and I went into it eyes wide open knowing full well I have nothing in common with this person but the fact that we are both “disabled” (I prefer the term differently abled, but for ease of communication I’ll stick to the former).
When asked why I married this man; my response was primarily that he understood the challenges I faced with dealing with life and others as a person with an illness that is often debilitating and I always felt safe being honest with him about what I was going through and you know what? Feeling heard and understood doesn’t come around often so I leaned into that.
I got married to a man I didn’t have romantic feelings for simply because he listened and he understood me or at least he tried. That was something I loved deeply with my Dad and it was comforting finding it in a partner.
Well, here I am now, 26 and separated and hating the world of dating because I either feel like just a piece of meat or too much for these immature men.
All I’m saying now is;
God I see what you’re doing for others and I’m praying for patience as you continue working on what you’re going to do for me.
And while I wait on a love that only God has thus far given me I pray that I continue to grow into the person I am to be. I pray that I learn to stay on this bull of bipolarity and to be excellent regardless. I pray that I never lose hope in achieving my four big life goals no matter how far they may seem away.
It usually does this…hit me all at once…on a random day when something seemingly random happens. It triggers the feels and then suddenly I feel. I haven’t felt in months and today it feels all new and I don’t hate being bipolar or let me correct myself; having bipolar disorder.
It’s been about a month and a half since Mr. D left. If you’re new here, Mr. D is what I call depression or a depressive episode. When he’s around; oxygen is scarce, he backs me into a dark, wooded forest where there are no trails, no paths and the fog is thick and heavy. It’s not beautiful, it’s dense and lifelessly silent. There are no lights, no wolves howling in the night, no crickets chirping, no stream running.
It’s been about a month and a half since I started to turn the lights on again, cook again, talk to my loved ones and not hate the sun, nor the sound of others existing.
It’s been about a month and a half since I started doing laundry weekly, shower even if I’m not going to work, groom my hair, care about how I’m dressed.
It’s been about a month and half since I stopped obsessively thinking about going downtown to source some heroin and fuck off into bliss…forever.
It’s been about a month and a half that I haven’t hit my chest repeatedly imagining I had a knife in my fist…
Today, well, just about an hour ago my friend Lav shared this song and it happened; just all at once after so many months, I felt again.
It’s so nice to feel.
***Cue the waterworks and the perfervid emotions***
Maybe now I’ll mourn my grandma Teeny and just you know… care again.
Tuning into vlogs, blogs, documentaries, speeches, forums, and many other forms of media regarding depression and anxiety some common themes are dissatisfaction with their jobs, spouses, and life in general. There are those who feel isolated and lonely; no friends, or significant other, poor family relationships and a general lack of community, direction and purpose.
Perhaps those who have most of these things and still don’t enjoy the thought of being here much longer don’t share much as it might not be as easy to explain to those who really enjoy being alive. Truly, the pros list is really long, and yet.
Checking on content that I made when in brighter states of mind I feel very disconnected from that version of me and wonder which is really true…
However, I think generally, across all states of mind I support euthanasia and might not be the person to call to talk you out of hitting the big red button on life.
I often watch interviews of people with disabilities who describe their challenges and how it has negatively affected their lives then at the end when asked if they could have it any other way would they and they say no I wouldn’t 😅
I often get enraged which results in uncontrollable maniacal laughter because wtf? I know our society teaches us to accept ourselves no matter what and all that jazz but come on let’s be bloody real. I wouldn’t wish this or any form of chronic illness on anyone and if the magic wand or pill exists I’m fucking taking it.
Fuck that we’re the sum of our experiences bullshit. I mean why would I choose to be fucked up if I had a choice???🤣 I swear, we’ve come a long way with all this self acceptance preaching. I don’t hate anyone for “cursing” me with this and I’d like to think I’m not bitter but I’m not fond of living like this either. These extremes are exhausting and I can’t keep up with myself. It’s like chasing my shadow….sometimes it’s behind me, beside me, in front of me and sometimes it not there at all…
That’s my current goal. To live long enough to die a natural death. It’s funny how growing up no one mentioned that one of the hardest parts of living is choosing to stay alive everyday. Choosing to stay here and breathe another breath, fight another fight.
It‘s sad that suicidality is such a taboo subject and one cannot candidly discuss this with “loved ones” or those closer to you. It’d be nice to not have to shoulder this eternal dread of living, alone.
Well, my daily goals during hibernation as I’m choosing to aptly refer to Mr. D during this lovely visit is to stay alive. Yup that’s it. The bane of my existence these days involve responding as best as I can to Mr. D’s constant seduction to end it all 😄
I used to think that depression meant I didn’t get anything done, anything worthwhile that is. But that’s not true, for one, I stay alive (biggest accomplishment 😌) and according to my track record – aka my journal I stay the course of whatever it is I am working on I just slow down considerably, I stay on the down low; minimal to no socializing outside of work, a lot more time indulging in my solitary activities pastimes, and a lot more rest.
I hope some day I make it to platforms where I connect with likeminded people regarding human hibernation. I genuinely think that sums up this phase. Bipolar disorder aside; this is what nature does during Winter so why am I? Or us? Creatures of nature expected to do any different??
Today I’m rambling about human hibernation to remind you that if you too are a little different right now, a little slower and less social that it’s ok.
Oh how quickly one oscillates from isn’t it beautiful to this….. *Deep breath*
Don’t read this if your day is cheery, as I do not wish to cast a gloom over it. I’m writing to stop my hands from hurting me. I wish it wasnt like this. But alas, if wishes were horses beggars would ride or whatever that saying says.
I read about a quarter through two finance books this past year, I feel as though I stop when I can’t take anymore slaps in the face. I think it’s hard for me to face the truth about my poor spending habits; living above my means and all, so when the writers start taking constant jabs with this basic tried and true advice that has permeated the space for millenniums the voices of criticism and self destruction get so loud, I put the book down and cover it with daily planner and go to get a glass of that wine I bought on credit.
My God Imani, how slow can you possibly be
You are a walking talking oxymoron
You hate the very thing that you are
You ought to learn to be more forgiving of others for you my friend are no better.
Haha. Ok, enough with the self depreciating thoughts spilling over the edges of mind.
I keep saying I am trying but am I really? Am I really trying? To get my shit together you know? Whew! Today is the last day of Kwanzaa; typically my favourite and while I want to meditate on today’s principle Imani – Yes that’s why it’s my favourite, I tell myself every year that it is a celebration of me and everything I stand for which in all honesty is true. Even while I ramble and feel so out of control I wholeheartedly believe that I can and will figure this out and gain the control ( or the relative control) that I desire. I have faith in my journey, my lineage, my community and my people. I know that we can pull ourselves out of centuries of learnt poverty. Poverty of mind.
It’s no coincidence that I have these goals I speak so frequently.
But every time I order UberEats when there is food in my fridge and pantry, every time I Lyft when the transit system works just fine because I do not like the discomfort (smh, seriously, I’m tired of my shit). If you see the way I live you’d really think this girl has her money together or someone taking care of her. You know who that someone is? Mr. Credit. My gosh; when I became manic in 2020, I fucked my savings, I really fucked it hard. Then, when my grandma passed and I couldn’t attend her funeral or contribute; I sobered up a little, well alot, in 2 months I paid off some credit card debts and my credit score went from poor to good. I was doing ok, I started working harder and trying my hardest to stay stable… I was aware that I was manic and I thought I was doing ok managing for a bit. I got a therapist and all. Then I rushed hastily into a new business venture, oh my fucking God. *deep breath* I’m trying to calm myself down because no one forced my hand in any of these things. I started the spending spree again; I racked up the credit cards to start this new thing, what is a savings account? I was running full forced, I got an old car as a gift, I spent quite a bit to get it road worthy, I went from every weekend at the beach (lake) to dining out every Friday night rationalizing that “I deserve this break, I am working so hard” Kmt. I’m annoyed with myself and just managing me feels like that full time job that you are over worked, management sucks and there is no HR to report to. It feels like ” I am not paid enough to deal with this bs” haha. Ok, well at least that made me chuckle internally.
I should write an Ode to the World Wide Web for you are the friend I can bear to bare my soul to just when I need to. *deep sighs* I am calmer now, I am feeling more hopeful. Thank you.
I know I am not the only one battling these poor habits and I pray with you all that we find the strength and courage to change our life’s rhetoric. I pray we remember to be patient with ourselves and to understand that this is a part of our story too, it may not be our favourite chapter but it certainly isn’t the last. I pray we remember that we hold the pen, we are the screenwriters and the protagonist and it’s up to us to bring this characters’ strengths to light and have the courage to develop on our weaknesses.
What a difference a few minutes of pouring out my he-art makes.
Thank you for giving an ear (or eyes haha) to my musings.