I wear my darkness like the moon
I wear my darkness as though it serenades me
I wear my darkness like the most expensive headdress
I wear my darkness not like an armour but like the moon does
Like it serves me and not the other way around
POC
Person of Colour
How is that not the same as calling me coloured?
How is that not the same as labeling me; nigger
The “little nigger baby”
Honestly, I think knowledge of history has traumatized me
I think the saying “ignorance is bliss” finally makes sense
There is a reason why some folks are blissful…
Naive.
Living in this country I feel as though slavery never ended
It just evolved
Haha
It just changed form
But, it’s still very much here
Segregation and apartheid like circumstances still exist
They just got better at hiding it
I still meet the house slaves
Who swear upon their lives that they are “free”
Poor thing.
I’m human.
That’s it. The end.
Reassurance
Every now and then I have a sort of revelation; like a lightbulb goes off in my head, or I’m alone musing and I Wah my finger and nod my head and say “ahhhh!” And I chuckle because some part of me knows that everyone else has probably figured that out by now but hey, repetition is the art of consistency and comprehension and habit formation.
Well, I have had this idea for a while that everyone we meet is an extension of ourselves, they are a part of us in a reflection kinda way. You know, the things we see in them are the things we see in ourselves. I hope I haven’t lost you.
Dissociating
I’m so good at running on autopilot; Living with my VR googles on…Sometimes my eyes gloss over and it looks like I’m seeing but I really am not. Dissociating a lot lately 😟
I remember hanging out with a friend I’d met on my first stint in Canada 2015. I was manic that entire year 🤷🏾♀️ – undiagnosed and untreated. He was reminiscing about some of the stuff we did and I had little to no recollection of those events 😄 he had pictures and messages to prove it happened. Me: Ooops 🤷🏾♀️ I must have been dissociating. Which often happens unconsciously due to stress. My logic is, the brain does this to protect me from the stress so I can continue living and functioning relatively “normally”.
A Writer Writes
Well, I’d like think of myself as a writer. Many who know me a little know that I am an aspiring many things haha. Writer, Psychologist, Adventure traveller, etc etc. I’m sure y’all have seen my audacious ‘goals’ often enough. I haven’t written in this online space for a while. As I am always frank, I wasn’t sure I had anything worth sharing. I have been off my high horse and the reality of the things I messed up during my ‘high’ came knocking forcefully at my door. My closing statement to friendships that meant the world to me this time around was something like “I do not want to be your friend anymore, not even associates because x, y, x, y…” lol. I am the centre of the universe in my own tortured mind…
Well, as usual, God has been gracious to me. I have since reached out to some friends and some have forgiven me. As for the others, I’m still hopefully waiting. My relationship with my aunt has been one that I messed up two years ago and I still have no idea how to repair it but I am hopeful.
Anyho, as to what I have been up to and the lessons I am slowly learning; let’s just say feelings are fleeting and some should not be hung unto. I think I have said this many times over in my sharing but it is so pertinent that I think repetition can only be good.
Suicide on Paper…Again
Well, the last time I wrote a post with this title was in early 2018. I was a graduate student in my very first semester and had just been diagnosed a few months prior and if you have had experiences with psychiatry and treating mental illnesses I think we can agree that it’s a major experiment.
Not to shit on the practice but because the very nature of the illness cannot really be quantified or be made visible/ tangible, doctors pretty much roll the dices and write you a prescription based on your symptoms and truthfully it’s a gamble, a real hit or miss. I can’t really say how I have survived these past few years since, I often forget chunks of myself these days and perhaps that is the reason why I journal so intensely.
My experience with suicidality isn’t novel in anyway, I have reconciled that no matter how my life is going this thanatos will always be ever present. I genuinely applaud those of us who live life as full as we can all while going to bed with this desire. By the way, let’s just get it out there that the shut down and quarantine was great for my mental health
How do I Stop Waiting?
Honestly, please tell me.
I don’t like existing like this.
I don’t like that I wait to hear from you,
I don’t like that I watch my phone waiting on you to call or text.
I don’t like that I exhale as though I was holding my breath when I finally hear your voice
I don’t like that my chest gets tight with anxiety; trepidation almost that I am never going to hear from you…
What the fuck is this? I don’t like it
Whew. Breathe Imani.
breathe. Please.
I just cant ….
Ghost Everyone & Focus
Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”
Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.
I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.
Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :
- Earn my PhD by age 30
- Own multiple successful businesses
- Retire at 40 on my ranch &
- Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.
The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.
This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾♀️😇🙏🏾
imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth
Ghost Everyone & Focus
Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”
Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.
I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.
Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :
- Earn my PhD by age 30
- Own multiple successful businesses
- Retire at 40 on my ranch &
- Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.
The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.
This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾♀️😇🙏🏾
imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth
Ghost Everyone & Focus
Walking in your purpose doesn’t mean the road is well paved. Actually it’s filled with potholes, and roadblocks but my oh my is it enthralling, enriching and oh so exciting.
This chapter of my story reminds me of my days in high school when I was Student’s Council President, on the School Challenge Quiz Team and taking 5 CAPE subjects 😄 I’ve always been “doing too much”
Today I am praying for success in all my endeavours, I am praying for focus, for discernment, for the strength to live my vision, for wisdom and most importantly for courage.
I wholeheartedly believe that I already have all that I need to achieve my life’s goals and live my vision #faith2040.
Join me on my journey to self actualization as I :
- Earn my PhD by age 30
- Own multiple successful businesses
- Retire at 40 on my ranch &
- Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown in Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.
The seed that was planted in me at 20 has taken root and is growing. It’s growing like a bamboo. The first few years of a bamboo growing is always slow and it seems as though it’s never gonna get tall but alas! Just be patient and watch.
This Chapter is called – Ghost Everyone & Focus 🧘🏾♀️😇🙏🏾
imanitries #faith2040 #dweetfraid #faith #faithoverfear #growthmindset #growth #growingpains #bamboo #success #selfactualization #journey #journeytosuccess #hardwork #working #growing #youtuber #youtubers #writersofinstagram #blogger #toronto #jamaican #canada #blackgirlmagic #wealth
I Love That You…
Make me wanna write poetry,
Make me never wanna say never again.
I love that you are patient
I love that you are kind
I love that you are caring
Truthfully, you’re bordering on divine…
Old McDonald had a farm e i e i o
Hahaha
Written beneath the pitch of your voice
I hear your sheer concern
I’m grateful for your not so gentle rebuke
It is indeed right to reproach the err in your “friends”
For only so we grow
And become
Become all that we’re destined to be.
I like looking at your boyish face
Your eyes betray more than you hide behind your eyes
Look at me
Look at me damn it
I mean, look at me love 😄
For I enjoy dining on your soul
The energetic tango that our spirits dance to we have not yet learnt in this realm
Ah, you said “but oh, it is not at all new, for my soul knew yours before I met you.”
Let us strive to honour that within the other
To love and let love grow
To relax and be uninhibited
For life is already too riddled with nos, nevers and wonts
Let us honour the I in each other
Bow down to the god in the other
For we are definitely not Kings and Queens
We are are gods and goddesses
Emperors and Empresses
The white man’s kings and queens weren’t powerful;
Naw, they were savages.
Projecting their insecurities and laziness
And my love; we most definitely aren’t that.
With all the love I have to give,
❤️
Mani 🤗
P.S. I darent write three words, so I wrote four.
Thanks for the Antidote
Grandma…
Thanks for petitioning God on my behalf.
Thanks for giving me the gift of stability and sobriety.
Thanks for the itching insoles.
Teeny says it means I’ll be travelling soon
God knows I need to move.
I fear stagnating,
I quite literally feel as though my being will shatter into a gazillion atoms and I’ll just dissipate like water…
Grandma, your rest gave me the strength to wake up and face my life and declare my dreams into existence
You gave me the antidote to antipathy towards life
I no longer fear my destiny
I own it.
I embrace it fully.
Your rest gave me the antidote to stay smoke free and sober.
I was never a drunk but I was certainly intoxicated and immobilized by fear and desperation.
I often felt as though I was struggling against the tide of my vision and the currents of my divine direction.
In your transitioning, you reminded me that I’m an excellent swimmer,
And for that “Gram-ma!”
I’m forever grateful.
Rest in Power.
Your infinite capacity for love, abundance and forgiveness lives on.
Te quiero.
I Got You
That’s all. That’s all I want.
To know that it’s not just me you know.
That I’m not the only one who has my back.
I know God is always there,
I know the universe is always conspiring in my favour
I know things always work out
But these innate human needs probably won’t ever go away…
to feel safe, heard, understood, wanted…loved.
It’s the beginning of October & I’m already preparing for hibernation
I’m gathering my nuts and necessities
For I am yet to find peace among humans.
I need to retreat to self to feel safe, heard, understood…loved.
That’s a little sad isn’t it?
I think it is.
What Do You Love Most About Yourself?
I spoke about this in my last YouTube video yesterday and I urged my viewers to take some time to think about and answer this question and feel free to share it with me.
A few persons responded in the comments but they most profound and well thought out response I received privately was from a high school colleague Kelvin. You can tell he spent some time introspecting and I was inspired by his response to share with you all – of course, with his consent. So here goes, I hope it inspires you to also share your responses. You can message me privately through my Facebook page here and let me know if you would be open to me sharing it here on the blog whether anonymously with a pseudonym or with your name and picture.
Here is what Kelvin loves most about himself 😃
So first off I’d like to say, I give all credits to the Most High God because everything I love about myself or have come to love and acknowledge about myself is through him and the knowledge, wisdom, understanding and strength he has bestowed upon me through his inspired words. Also the struggles, experiences, changes, failures and fixes, he only allowed them to build me.
I forever remain a traditional man at the core.
WHEN TO QUIT
In my most recent years I’ve had to do a-lot of introspections.
So a few things that I admire most is that: I think I know when to quit and turn the page. Each day I think I am getting better at it. I think it is very important to know when to walk away from certain things, whether its people or situations.
SELF MOTIVATED/ SELF DRIVEN
I’m self motivated which leads to commitment/dedication. i think I have always possessed this quality, but in recent times after a close friend of mine highlighted it to me and said that was something he admired and respect about me, it caused me to even look deeper, after which I did found out that I don’t necesarily need people to motivate me, not saying it doesn’t help but for the most part I’m always self driven.
CALMNESS IN THE MIDS OF STORMS
While still working on it, I admire the fact that I am able to remain calm in storms. for a while now, I’ve know that worrying will only create other worries or other bad situations which can end up affecting your health in all aspects. Hence I’ve pride my self on learning to remain calm in troubling situations, and after being through a couple storms myself, they were the perfect teachers.
BEING A LONER
I am a loner. I have never needed a crowd or people in general to feel alive, validated or motivated. I tend to do well by myself. And this is when I am free to think more critical, analyze myself and things in general and fight whatever battles I may face. Besides work, back in high school when I’m at school or in some other forced social setting, I’ve always been by myself, whether it’s in nature or in another space.
I also believe this is the time when I download a lot of information as well because I have a curious mind and importantly, I believe this is when my spirituality heightens a lot, which I think is very important in my journey.
STAYING POSITIVE
This might be one of the best of which I admire about self. Everyone including myself, from time to time have their negative thoughts and I believe that’s ok. We all need balance anyways. However, in recent times more than ever, as my knowledge and wisdom continues to grow, I look mat the glass half full instead of half empty. No matter whatever dark times I may be going through, I take it with a smile and try to learn the lesson its teaching me or the positive that can come from it. I do not dwell on negative thinking, as soon as it comes in, I pray about it and try my best to change my perspective and look at things differently. It is not easy.
And from experience(I mentioned balance earlier) I believe that sometimes/negative/ bad things have to happen and then its up to you to take that bad/negative thing and find the good/positive from it.
These are just a few with elaboration.
I am still and always a student of life on a whole.
Get Over It!
Them – Get over it, it’s been X years.
Me – It has been 5 generations. Only 5. My great great grandma was a slave. The remnants of slavery, colonialism and post colonial life still haunt my family and my country. Wtf do you mean “get over it?”
Children were murdered in cold blood and justice has still not been served! My people value their lives far less than the descendants of the colonizer!
Systemic racism and biases are still written in our laws and constitutions!
We still have our colonizer as our head of state!
People are still saving chinaware in cabinets in their houses!
Our crown is still outlawed to exist in it’s natural state in schools and places of business!
Schools still have uniform policies that involves students dressing like “Christians” wtaf???!
Students are still forced to have devotions every single morning for how dare we abandon our colonizer’s God?! 😭😡
I’m still angry!!!!!!! And I refuse to just GET OVER IT!
It was only 2017 that the British Prime Minister visited Jamaica, told us to get over the centuries of slavery AND offered to gift us a prison so he can repatriate all the Jamaicans incarcerated in the UK!!! The audacity of these vile and vicious British people disgust me !!! The sheer callousness!
What I was even more disgusted at is the fact that MY people applauded him and sat their like “good boys and girls” smh. He would have been on the first flight out had I been in any position to do so.
Caribbean history should be a mandatory course to serve in any aspects of government in Jamaica. A people unaware of their history is bound to repeat it.
Lest you forget…
Proving I’m Loveable
*Deep breath*
Ok, so let’s get vulnerable. There’s this thing I have known for a while but hate to admit... I worry I’m hard to love. I know I’m easy to fall for; undoubtably. I’m gorgeous, I’m resilient, I’m highly intelligent, I’m very loving and caring. I’m the epitome of who Maya Angelou referred to as “a phenomenal woman”.
But you see, it is that which causes me some anxiety. I worry I might be too much sometimes. Perhaps it is my childhood and even present day experiences with the women in my family that constantly tell me “you’re too much” “yuh mind higher than yuh baxide” – essentially the Jamaican way of saying you are too ambitious. Can you imagine? Why would anyone ever say that? Why would that be a staple in our vernacular??
The remnants of colonialism shows up in such microcosmic ways that we often overlook them. It could be explained by the fact that our enslaved ancestors felt they had little hope, perhaps they felt it was pointless to dream??
Since moving to Canada and making Nigerian friends they have often joked that back in their home country it is often said that Afro Caribbean people were the “lesser” folks of their society that got sold into slavery or used as payment to end local wars. It sounds offensive, but I think there might be some truth to this belief. It is likely that my ancestors were slaves even among our own people. For to have such downcast attitudes to dreaming big cannot have come from only 5 generations ago. It is a deeply rooted belief among my people.
I remember celebrating when I earned good grades to go to what is considered the best high school in my parish and when I went to my mom shouting and dancing she said “a weh yuh a gwaan suh fa? Guh sidung and stop do yuhself suh” 13 years later and those words still burn.
Why would she say such a thing? I despised her for it. I’ve been an excellent student all my life. I’m an amazing daughter who has never been celebrated by her mother. She has never expressed her pride; verbally nor otherwise.
This pain, this disdain, this lack of pride and faith in self ends with me. The generation that will be birthed from me will never question my pride in them. They’ll never hear from me that their dreams are too big. Never.
They say that when trauma happens to an individual one of two things happen – they either continue the cycle of trauma or they live so intentionally so as to end that cycle permanently. I chose the latter.
Dear mom, God knows I am still trying to forgive you. In writing this, I let go a little more of that hurt. You owe me so many apologies and whether or not I ever get them, THE CYCLE ENDS WITH ME.
A Conversation with the Water
I adore your essence
Your ebbs and your flows
They resonate with me.
You rush into the shores so powerfully, so sure
Greeting my feet ever so gently
You bow down to me and honour the goddess within in
The energy that embodies me
You acknowledge that we are but one of the same
All but taking a different form of life in this existence
You hold so much power
I love the way you listen to me
You listen. So carefully
You take away all my sorrows and pain
You give me hope and joy and above all
Peace. You give me peace.
For that, I am eternally grateful
I love our conversations under the watchful gaze of the moon and the stars
They are more quiet than us. The true listeners.
Isn’t it beautiful how they light us up in the dark?
How we sparkle under their shine?
How we both admire the company in our solace?
I yearn for tribesmen who would learn to sit quietly with me
Honouring our shared solitude yet knowing we aren’t lonely at all
For that is not what solitude means
Well at least not to me…to us.
I enjoy sitting in my feelings with you
I enjoy singing to you
Off kilter; our heartbeats and the sounds of nature our orchestra
I enjoy how intimately we dine on each other
Partaking slowly, we allow room for divinity
Dear waters, you are my best friend, my forever lover, my rie or die, my always there for me.
You give me earth shattering orgasms, you cleanse my aura, my soul and my body
You liberate my mind
You honour my existence
You soothe my aching bones when I am tired
And most importantly
You listen.
And for that I am grateful.
Dear Water,
I honour you.
– Faith
Dear Ancestors
I forgive you.
I forgive you for staying
I forgive you for allowing them to strip us of our names
I forgive you for taking on the foreign gods of wicked men
I forgive you for quoting scriptures in your oppressors tongue
Scriptures designed solely to condition you into submission; “be a good slave”
Oh no! It’s steward they say
I forgive you for sitting at the coward’s feet and being petted like a dog
“Good boy”
I forgive you for putting up Massa’s broken China in cabinets and fearing to eat from them
Treasuring something of such little value
Denying yourself
(Pause. Groan)
I choose to remember the ancestors who fought back
I choose to trace my lineage through the maroons, the rebels and the revolutionists.
I choose to abandon the white man’s name, his languages and their religion
I choose to abandon their vapid standards of beauty
I choose to adorn my crown with jewels from my backyard
My body and feet with vibrant handwoven cloths
Woven with love, and passion and excellent craftsmanship by the powerful women in my village
I choose to churn my own Shea and cocoa butter
Anoint my head with castor oil for olives are not native to my motherland.
I choose to cleanse my skin with coconut oils that mama made from the coconuts papa picked
I choose to wear handwoven sandals made from the branches of the coconut tree
I choose to sleep on beds my uncle made from bamboo
I choose to eat from the calabash
How dare you try to rob me of my wealth
You pale, dry skinned flimsy haired man??
You tried to take my diamonds, copper, gold and emeralds and offer me plastic?! cheap cloths that bleed and tear with just a few wears.
You stole the art of my people and told us “look at Mona Lisa! Such brilliance!
😂😂
Straight Offence – that shit is basic.
In your denial of our excellence and wisdom you constructed aliens because how dare we build pyramids you still have not figured out
You dug up our ancestors and parade them in “museums”
You will rue the day my people march in your feeble architectures and take back what is ours
We will not hold placards and ask for permission to breathe
For the days of petitioning Bakra are past
And while I forgive my ancestors,
I will not forgive yours.
It’s Empress to you.
For You
Have you ever?
Done something I mean…
Something just for you?
Not involving anyone else
Solo in every sense
Designed strictly for your pleasure?
Go somewhere unknown (to you that is)
Watch the world continue on without you
…
You should try it
You will realize what matter of dust you are
And that the world as it is can and will function without you
But wait, wait and you’ll see
That despite it’s ability to live without you
It craves your existence
It wants to involve you
To entertain and inspire you
Someone, someone you might not even know
Will show up and try to save you
Because guess what?
You’re never really alone
And trust me, the universe loves you; unconditionally.
So do you
And trust the universe to save you when you need it.
Written 26.12.2016 @ Kintyre
Coming Out of a Depressive Episode Feels Like…
Walking into the life of an old friend and seeing how scattered it is. Feeling utterly sorry you have been such a terrible friend and mourning their squandered potential.
Coming home to the kitchen sink filled with dirty dishes, the food on the stove burning, the garbage needs to be taken out, the compost has maggots in it, the Crisper is filled with rotting vegetables and the kids are playing in the flour on the floor naked and wearing your favourite wig.
Opening the door for the first time and stepping out into the blinding sunlight in your eyes and having no idea where your shades are.
Having a shit ton of basic adult and life stuff to catch up on.
Waking up from a terrible accident with amnesia; the last couple months are a total blur, “I did what now?”
Waking up from hibernation 15lbs heavier and craving things you had no idea you even liked
Looking in the mirror and wondering what that bastard did to your body.
Opening a bunch of tabs trying breathlessly to get on top of everything you deferred.
Trying to make this person staring back at you in the mirror look more like you; you know, the real you. Whoever the heck that is.
