I often share about how much I love myself, truthfully I’m not lacking in the self love nor loathing department lol. Lady M and Mr. D has those locked. Together we’ve found the perfect balance of “we’re good over here”.
What I often contend with emotionally though is feeling or being too much for others. I have some amazing friends that have been there with me through and through but partners? not yet
I try to use – not yet, so as not to write myself out of what the universe has in store for me while I sit with these big feelings. I haven’t been pursued seriously in quite a while. I spent a little over a year in a marriage that I am still mulling over. I’m still trying to answer the why question as we were vastly incompatible and I went into it eyes wide open knowing full well I have nothing in common with this person but the fact that we are both “disabled” (I prefer the term differently abled, but for ease of communication I’ll stick to the former).
When asked why I married this man; my response was primarily that he understood the challenges I faced with dealing with life and others as a person with an illness that is often debilitating and I always felt safe being honest with him about what I was going through and you know what? Feeling heard and understood doesn’t come around often so I leaned into that.
I got married to a man I didn’t have romantic feelings for simply because he listened and he understood me or at least he tried. That was something I loved deeply with my Dad and it was comforting finding it in a partner.
Well, here I am now, 26 and separated and hating the world of dating because I either feel like just a piece of meat or too much for these immature men.
All I’m saying now is;
God I see what you’re doing for others and I’m praying for patience as you continue working on what you’re going to do for me.
And while I wait on a love that only God has thus far given me I pray that I continue to grow into the person I am to be. I pray that I learn to stay on this bull of bipolarity and to be excellent regardless. I pray that I never lose hope in achieving my four big life goals no matter how far they may seem away.
It usually does this…hit me all at once…on a random day when something seemingly random happens. It triggers the feels and then suddenly I feel. I haven’t felt in months and today it feels all new and I don’t hate being bipolar or let me correct myself; having bipolar disorder.
It’s been about a month and a half since Mr. D left. If you’re new here, Mr. D is what I call depression or a depressive episode. When he’s around; oxygen is scarce, he backs me into a dark, wooded forest where there are no trails, no paths and the fog is thick and heavy. It’s not beautiful, it’s dense and lifelessly silent. There are no lights, no wolves howling in the night, no crickets chirping, no stream running.
It’s been about a month and a half since I started to turn the lights on again, cook again, talk to my loved ones and not hate the sun, nor the sound of others existing.
It’s been about a month and a half since I started doing laundry weekly, shower even if I’m not going to work, groom my hair, care about how I’m dressed.
It’s been about a month and half since I stopped obsessively thinking about going downtown to source some heroin and fuck off into bliss…forever.
It’s been about a month and a half that I haven’t hit my chest repeatedly imagining I had a knife in my fist…
Today, well, just about an hour ago my friend Lav shared this song and it happened; just all at once after so many months, I felt again.
It’s so nice to feel.
***Cue the waterworks and the perfervid emotions***
Maybe now I’ll mourn my grandma Teeny and just you know… care again.
Tuning into vlogs, blogs, documentaries, speeches, forums, and many other forms of media regarding depression and anxiety some common themes are dissatisfaction with their jobs, spouses, and life in general. There are those who feel isolated and lonely; no friends, or significant other, poor family relationships and a general lack of community, direction and purpose.
Perhaps those who have most of these things and still don’t enjoy the thought of being here much longer don’t share much as it might not be as easy to explain to those who really enjoy being alive. Truly, the pros list is really long, and yet.
Checking on content that I made when in brighter states of mind I feel very disconnected from that version of me and wonder which is really true…
However, I think generally, across all states of mind I support euthanasia and might not be the person to call to talk you out of hitting the big red button on life.
I often watch interviews of people with disabilities who describe their challenges and how it has negatively affected their lives then at the end when asked if they could have it any other way would they and they say no I wouldn’t 😅
I often get enraged which results in uncontrollable maniacal laughter because wtf? I know our society teaches us to accept ourselves no matter what and all that jazz but come on let’s be bloody real. I wouldn’t wish this or any form of chronic illness on anyone and if the magic wand or pill exists I’m fucking taking it.
Fuck that we’re the sum of our experiences bullshit. I mean why would I choose to be fucked up if I had a choice???🤣 I swear, we’ve come a long way with all this self acceptance preaching. I don’t hate anyone for “cursing” me with this and I’d like to think I’m not bitter but I’m not fond of living like this either. These extremes are exhausting and I can’t keep up with myself. It’s like chasing my shadow….sometimes it’s behind me, beside me, in front of me and sometimes it not there at all…
That’s my current goal. To live long enough to die a natural death. It’s funny how growing up no one mentioned that one of the hardest parts of living is choosing to stay alive everyday. Choosing to stay here and breathe another breath, fight another fight.
It‘s sad that suicidality is such a taboo subject and one cannot candidly discuss this with “loved ones” or those closer to you. It’d be nice to not have to shoulder this eternal dread of living, alone.
Well, my daily goals during hibernation as I’m choosing to aptly refer to Mr. D during this lovely visit is to stay alive. Yup that’s it. The bane of my existence these days involve responding as best as I can to Mr. D’s constant seduction to end it all 😄
I used to think that depression meant I didn’t get anything done, anything worthwhile that is. But that’s not true, for one, I stay alive (biggest accomplishment 😌) and according to my track record – aka my journal I stay the course of whatever it is I am working on I just slow down considerably, I stay on the down low; minimal to no socializing outside of work, a lot more time indulging in my solitary activities pastimes, and a lot more rest.
I hope some day I make it to platforms where I connect with likeminded people regarding human hibernation. I genuinely think that sums up this phase. Bipolar disorder aside; this is what nature does during Winter so why am I? Or us? Creatures of nature expected to do any different??
Today I’m rambling about human hibernation to remind you that if you too are a little different right now, a little slower and less social that it’s ok.
Oh how quickly one oscillates from isn’t it beautiful to this….. *Deep breath*
Don’t read this if your day is cheery, as I do not wish to cast a gloom over it. I’m writing to stop my hands from hurting me. I wish it wasnt like this. But alas, if wishes were horses beggars would ride or whatever that saying says.
I read about a quarter through two finance books this past year, I feel as though I stop when I can’t take anymore slaps in the face. I think it’s hard for me to face the truth about my poor spending habits; living above my means and all, so when the writers start taking constant jabs with this basic tried and true advice that has permeated the space for millenniums the voices of criticism and self destruction get so loud, I put the book down and cover it with daily planner and go to get a glass of that wine I bought on credit.
My God Imani, how slow can you possibly be
You are a walking talking oxymoron
You hate the very thing that you are
You ought to learn to be more forgiving of others for you my friend are no better.
Haha. Ok, enough with the self depreciating thoughts spilling over the edges of mind.
*deep breath*
I keep saying I am trying but am I really? Am I really trying? To get my shit together you know? Whew! Today is the last day of Kwanzaa; typically my favourite and while I want to meditate on today’s principle Imani – Yes that’s why it’s my favourite, I tell myself every year that it is a celebration of me and everything I stand for which in all honesty is true. Even while I ramble and feel so out of control I wholeheartedly believe that I can and will figure this out and gain the control ( or the relative control) that I desire. I have faith in my journey, my lineage, my community and my people. I know that we can pull ourselves out of centuries of learnt poverty. Poverty of mind.
It’s no coincidence that I have these goals I speak so frequently.
But every time I order UberEats when there is food in my fridge and pantry, every time I Lyft when the transit system works just fine because I do not like the discomfort (smh, seriously, I’m tired of my shit). If you see the way I live you’d really think this girl has her money together or someone taking care of her. You know who that someone is? Mr. Credit. My gosh; when I became manic in 2020, I fucked my savings, I really fucked it hard. Then, when my grandma passed and I couldn’t attend her funeral or contribute; I sobered up a little, well alot, in 2 months I paid off some credit card debts and my credit score went from poor to good. I was doing ok, I started working harder and trying my hardest to stay stable… I was aware that I was manic and I thought I was doing ok managing for a bit. I got a therapist and all. Then I rushed hastily into a new business venture, oh my fucking God. *deep breath* I’m trying to calm myself down because no one forced my hand in any of these things. I started the spending spree again; I racked up the credit cards to start this new thing, what is a savings account? I was running full forced, I got an old car as a gift, I spent quite a bit to get it road worthy, I went from every weekend at the beach (lake) to dining out every Friday night rationalizing that “I deserve this break, I am working so hard” Kmt. I’m annoyed with myself and just managing me feels like that full time job that you are over worked, management sucks and there is no HR to report to. It feels like ” I am not paid enough to deal with this bs” haha. Ok, well at least that made me chuckle internally.
I should write an Ode to the World Wide Web for you are the friend I can bear to bare my soul to just when I need to. *deep sighs* I am calmer now, I am feeling more hopeful. Thank you.
I know I am not the only one battling these poor habits and I pray with you all that we find the strength and courage to change our life’s rhetoric. I pray we remember to be patient with ourselves and to understand that this is a part of our story too, it may not be our favourite chapter but it certainly isn’t the last. I pray we remember that we hold the pen, we are the screenwriters and the protagonist and it’s up to us to bring this characters’ strengths to light and have the courage to develop on our weaknesses.
What a difference a few minutes of pouring out my he-art makes.
Thank you for giving an ear (or eyes haha) to my musings.
Contentment I mean. As we close this chapter of our stories, I know it has been difficult for some, or even most of us. I want to let you know that it’s ok. You made it this far and you have good health; or good enough. You have access to the internet; which is a reprieve for most and broadens our horizons and capacity to share and learn so much from each other.
I am happy you made it to today. For those of us who live with suicidality, I am very happy that you made it to today and I pray you have the courage to make it to tomorrow. I want to remind you that it’s ok to live like this. By this, I mean to focus only on what’s immediately in front of you. It’s ok to take baby steps, to take life one breath at a time, one footstep at a time, one day at a time. It’s ok. I want to remind you that while others are excitable or contrarily supremely pessimistic or cautious for the new year you do not have be either. I want to remind you that it’s ok to stand in between, to be neither good nor bad, to be neither leftist or right winged, to be neither a sinner nor a saint, to be neither happy nor sad.
Yes, that my friend is perfectly acceptable and I am here to remind you that contentment is no less than happiness. That you don’t have to smile all the time, or be cheerful. I want to remind you that you don’t have to be nice, or fun to be around haha. I find great pleasure in writing to you as I do myself. For as I remind you of these things I also remind me. I am quite content with my life as it is presently. I am supremely grateful for all my blessings and I am happy that absolutely nothing feels mundane and just being able to write this feels very privileged as not only do I have the means to; internet, a fully functional laptop, peace and quiet, clean air, a full stomach, lots of comfortable space, TIME! and the cognitive capabilities to form these thoughts and express them. Can you imagine not having these things? Well, that’s the reality for many. Many my age will have lived and died never having access to these things and I honour them. I am privileged and it’s likely that you reading this are too. Perhaps not in the same way that I am, but I am positive that if you take a moment to take stock of your life, you will have found that you my friend are blessed.
I am happy and grateful that I have this avenue to share my thoughts for I do not talk much with others most days; truthfully I don’t quite enjoy it and I have made peace with the fact that I prefer pen to paper and journaling than talking with most other folks I have met. I accept that this is no fault of me nor them but some of us humans are just like this. When I talk of my ambitions to live on a ranch; a huge sustainable farm where I do not have to hear nor see any neighbours by chance some laugh and that’s ok haha. It’s truly what I want and what I am working towards.
I find it incredibly beautiful that even though I enjoy relative isolation I can still feel connected to the world and others through the World Wide Web. I feel as though the literary arts and other art forms and the ability to share almost instantaneously is a blessing in this era especially so for the introverted. I like that there is no pressure to interact and I like that I get to read your thoughts too. You who I may never meet but because of this medium I get a glimpse into your soul.
Thank you all for reading my musings and for sharing yours. It’s truly a pleasure. Isn’t it beautiful?
As we close this chapter and start another, please, do not feel pressured to title it before you start, the best titles are chosen long after the chapter has ended. I love you, stay safe, and relatively sane haha and protect your peace in 2021.
x Besos y Brazos
– Faith
Rest well 2020, I know, life was rough on you too.
No matter how many years they have on you; no one knows what’s best for you the way you do. Have the courage to live the vision you have for your life and go after your dreams fiercely and unapologetically. When they ask you, “Who do you think you are?” Remind them of your mf name since they are clearly having a bout of amnesia. Be so forceful about carving out your mark on wise old earth that no one and nothing can or will stop you.
I know exactly what I want from this life and I effortlessly let go of anyone and anything that does not align with that. Choose you every fucking time because I promise you absolutely no one else will. Sometimes you should say no to some “helping hands” and gracefully say, “thank you but that’s ok, I got it.” . . . “I Got You” my new book will be released soon. There I share more of my musings including showing up for and holding yourself accountable as if no one is coming because love, no one is. . . .
I am not sure why I am, or what I am angry about? I’ve been getting these moments of rage almost everyday for the last 3 weeks I think. As usual, I write to figure out what’s going on inside that I am not vocalizing out loud. It’s nice writing, I don’t have to deal with saying it to someone who feels the need to offer some sort of response.
Mmm, this time last year was horrid for me. I suppressed as much as I could and carried on with life as usual. I married a horrid human in the midst of mania last year who spent the entire holiday berating me for being a bad wife because I couldn’t afford to travel to see him last Christmas since I’d spent so much to be there only 3 months prior 🙄
The man came out as trans (sexual or gender I do not know for when I brought it up he would just argue). Now, I am a little fucked in the head and it comes with it’s fair share of challenges and I accepted this human for all I was made privy to before marriage but to spring the whole I dress as a woman thing on me not even two months into marriage I was enraged. I am angry. I’m really angry because I wasn’t allowed to ask about it, to talk about it like grown ass folks. 😂 I was just supposed to know and accept this because 💥 “you’re my wife” FUCK THAT!
No, absolutely not. This is not how this shit works. At least not in my head. I’d never say to any other human – that until death do us part nonsense. It’s quite frankly childish and preposterous. I’m not Jesus, not a saint of any sort and I will not love anyone “comes what may”
Imagine being emotionally and verbally abused by a $€%£}]
I dare not say for the internet is quite unforgiving. I had the stereotypes thrown my way when I decided to marry a physically disabled person who was more than a decade older than I, and happened to be Caucasian and Canadian. No one hid their assumptions – sugar daddy, citizenship marriage. The man himself when he was enraged whenever he couldn’t have his way said he always knew I would steal from him 🤣 and that people were right, I only married him for papers 🤣
How massively fucked up am I ?? I think some part of me was trying to be virtuous or something. I try not to blame mania for having made that decision so quickly to jump into marriage with a medical mystery 😂 ah gosh. I probably am more than just a little fucked in the head. I’m so angry and I just don’t know how to get it out! I workout, but trust me, sit-ups have not been helping with this rage.
I try meditating…suppress, suppress, suppress. I don’t know what I want to hear to feel better about this…I’m angry, I’m outraged…..I feel such disgust when I think of him. I don’t know what that makes me but I’m not into that shit and I reserve that right. You don’t sneak something like that onto someone.
I saw him after the reveal and every time he touched me my skin crawled and my muscles tensed up. I couldn’t hug him, or kiss him, not cuddle on those cold winter nights. I slept at the edge of the bed and anxiety kept me awake every night for fear he would touch me in my sleep. Revolted. He just became a nasty unrecognizable person when I refused to jump when he asked 😄 he was on the phone telling friends how I became a nun neglecting to tell them he wears female clothes, breasts and a wig?????!!
I mean, I’m open minded and all for people doing whatever the fuck makes them happy but it certainly doesn’t mean I would roll around in bed with them. 🤮
I feel this rage in my bones, my muscles….I’ve done a lot of pushing it to the back burner all 2020 but God knows I can’t bring this into 2021. The worst part is I didn’t feel like I could talk about it with anyone. I hate when people put their fucked up secrets on people carrying enough fucking trauma already!!!!!!!!! GO TO THERAPY!!!!!
I better talk to my therapist soon about this because it’s not going away and I don’t want to just handle it anymore as that’s obviously not working.
🤦🏾♀️ I’ve done some real stupid shit in my quarter life.
I hate it here Here is the hole Huck’s hole Do you know Huck? Olivia Pope? The white hat? …. I know, distracting Anyho, I’m not doing well but I’m still trying. I like to focus on the latter
Dweet Fraid 