Isn’t it Beautiful?

Contentment I mean. As we close this chapter of our stories, I know it has been difficult for some, or even most of us. I want to let you know that it’s ok. You made it this far and you have good health; or good enough. You have access to the internet; which is a reprieve for most and broadens our horizons and capacity to share and learn so much from each other.

I am happy you made it to today. For those of us who live with suicidality, I am very happy that you made it to today and I pray you have the courage to make it to tomorrow. I want to remind you that it’s ok to live like this. By this, I mean to focus only on what’s immediately in front of you. It’s ok to take baby steps, to take life one breath at a time, one footstep at a time, one day at a time. It’s ok. I want to remind you that while others are excitable or contrarily supremely pessimistic or cautious for the new year you do not have be either. I want to remind you that it’s ok to stand in between, to be neither good nor bad, to be neither leftist or right winged, to be neither a sinner nor a saint, to be neither happy nor sad.

Yes, that my friend is perfectly acceptable and I am here to remind you that contentment is no less than happiness. That you don’t have to smile all the time, or be cheerful. I want to remind you that you don’t have to be nice, or fun to be around haha. I find great pleasure in writing to you as I do myself. For as I remind you of these things I also remind me. I am quite content with my life as it is presently. I am supremely grateful for all my blessings and I am happy that absolutely nothing feels mundane and just being able to write this feels very privileged as not only do I have the means to; internet, a fully functional laptop, peace and quiet, clean air, a full stomach, lots of comfortable space, TIME! and the cognitive capabilities to form these thoughts and express them. Can you imagine not having these things? Well, that’s the reality for many. Many my age will have lived and died never having access to these things and I honour them. I am privileged and it’s likely that you reading this are too. Perhaps not in the same way that I am, but I am positive that if you take a moment to take stock of your life, you will have found that you my friend are blessed.

I am happy and grateful that I have this avenue to share my thoughts for I do not talk much with others most days; truthfully I don’t quite enjoy it and I have made peace with the fact that I prefer pen to paper and journaling than talking with most other folks I have met. I accept that this is no fault of me nor them but some of us humans are just like this. When I talk of my ambitions to live on a ranch; a huge sustainable farm where I do not have to hear nor see any neighbours by chance some laugh and that’s ok haha. It’s truly what I want and what I am working towards.

I find it incredibly beautiful that even though I enjoy relative isolation I can still feel connected to the world and others through the World Wide Web. I feel as though the literary arts and other art forms and the ability to share almost instantaneously is a blessing in this era especially so for the introverted. I like that there is no pressure to interact and I like that I get to read your thoughts too. You who I may never meet but because of this medium I get a glimpse into your soul.

Thank you all for reading my musings and for sharing yours. It’s truly a pleasure. Isn’t it beautiful?

As we close this chapter and start another, please, do not feel pressured to title it before you start, the best titles are chosen long after the chapter has ended. I love you, stay safe, and relatively sane haha and protect your peace in 2021.

x Besos y Brazos

– Faith

Rest well 2020, I know, life was rough on you too.

You Know You Best

No matter how many years they have on you; no one knows what’s best for you the way you do. Have the courage to live the vision you have for your life and go after your dreams fiercely and unapologetically. When they ask you, “Who do you think you are?” Remind them of your mf name since they are clearly having a bout of amnesia. Be so forceful about carving out your mark on wise old earth that no one and nothing can or will stop you.

I know exactly what I want from this life and I effortlessly let go of anyone and anything that does not align with that. Choose you every fucking time because I promise you absolutely no one else will.
Sometimes you should say no to some “helping hands” and gracefully say, “thank you but that’s ok, I got it.”
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“I Got You” my new book will be released soon. There I share more of my musings including showing up for and holding yourself accountable as if no one is coming because love, no one is.
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selflove #radicalselflove #yougotthis #dweetfraid #doitscared #jump #faith #faith2040 #faithit #imanitries #vision #visionboard #visionary #inspiration #motivation #growth #growthmindset

What Are You Angry About?

I am not sure why I am, or what I am angry about? I’ve been getting these moments of rage almost everyday for the last 3 weeks I think. As usual, I write to figure out what’s going on inside that I am not vocalizing out loud. It’s nice writing, I don’t have to deal with saying it to someone who feels the need to offer some sort of response.

Mmm, this time last year was horrid for me. I suppressed as much as I could and carried on with life as usual. I married a horrid human in the midst of mania last year who spent the entire holiday berating me for being a bad wife because I couldn’t afford to travel to see him last Christmas since I’d spent so much to be there only 3 months prior 🙄

The man came out as trans (sexual or gender I do not know for when I brought it up he would just argue). Now, I am a little fucked in the head and it comes with it’s fair share of challenges and I accepted this human for all I was made privy to before marriage but to spring the whole I dress as a woman thing on me not even two months into marriage I was enraged. I am angry. I’m really angry because I wasn’t allowed to ask about it, to talk about it like grown ass folks. 😂 I was just supposed to know and accept this because 💥 “you’re my wife” FUCK THAT!

No, absolutely not. This is not how this shit works. At least not in my head. I’d never say to any other human – that until death do us part nonsense. It’s quite frankly childish and preposterous. I’m not Jesus, not a saint of any sort and I will not love anyone “comes what may”

Imagine being emotionally and verbally abused by a $€%£}]

I dare not say for the internet is quite unforgiving. I had the stereotypes thrown my way when I decided to marry a physically disabled person who was more than a decade older than I, and happened to be Caucasian and Canadian. No one hid their assumptions – sugar daddy, citizenship marriage. The man himself when he was enraged whenever he couldn’t have his way said he always knew I would steal from him 🤣 and that people were right, I only married him for papers 🤣

How massively fucked up am I ?? I think some part of me was trying to be virtuous or something. I try not to blame mania for having made that decision so quickly to jump into marriage with a medical mystery 😂 ah gosh. I probably am more than just a little fucked in the head. I’m so angry and I just don’t know how to get it out! I workout, but trust me, sit-ups have not been helping with this rage.

I try meditating…suppress, suppress, suppress. I don’t know what I want to hear to feel better about this…I’m angry, I’m outraged…..I feel such disgust when I think of him. I don’t know what that makes me but I’m not into that shit and I reserve that right. You don’t sneak something like that onto someone.

I saw him after the reveal and every time he touched me my skin crawled and my muscles tensed up. I couldn’t hug him, or kiss him, not cuddle on those cold winter nights. I slept at the edge of the bed and anxiety kept me awake every night for fear he would touch me in my sleep. Revolted. He just became a nasty unrecognizable person when I refused to jump when he asked 😄 he was on the phone telling friends how I became a nun neglecting to tell them he wears female clothes, breasts and a wig?????!!

I mean, I’m open minded and all for people doing whatever the fuck makes them happy but it certainly doesn’t mean I would roll around in bed with them. 🤮

I feel this rage in my bones, my muscles….I’ve done a lot of pushing it to the back burner all 2020 but God knows I can’t bring this into 2021. The worst part is I didn’t feel like I could talk about it with anyone. I hate when people put their fucked up secrets on people carrying enough fucking trauma already!!!!!!!!! GO TO THERAPY!!!!!

I better talk to my therapist soon about this because it’s not going away and I don’t want to just handle it anymore as that’s obviously not working.

🤦🏾‍♀️ I’ve done some real stupid shit in my quarter life.

The Hole

I hate it here
Here is the hole
Huck’s hole
Do you know Huck?
Olivia Pope?
The white hat?
….
I know, distracting
Anyho, I’m not doing well but I’m still trying.
I like to focus on the latter

#blessed #grateful

Cheers to nature, the most resilient b*tch I know

Rapid Cycling – What it’s really like

Rapid Cycling is the worst part of this disorder. It’s exhausting; mentally and physically. I still haven’t quite figured out what triggers these episodes and I’m journaling to remain mindful so I can crack the code lol

During rapid cycling I experience numerous mood swings from mania to depression. I get weepy, happy, angry, frustrated, irritable, sad, elated! And the list goes on. I feel completely out of control and to be honest, I don’t want anyone around because I may very well take that out on them consciously or unconsciously.

Yesterday was one of those days and by 12 in the afternoon I was exhausted. I don’t mean tired, I mean just done, running on E.

I laid in the sofa and cried for 3 hours yup. 3 hrs. I hate it. Because I have things to do and this version of me is not my favourite at all.

But still I try. I try to be patient with myself. I try to be empathetic (with myself), I try to be understanding and I accept that hey, it’s ok to slow down sometimes; actually it’s ok to go slow ALL THE TIME.

What I hated about being around family and others in general is they constantly critique my energy levels and the speed at which I get things done. I fucking hate it. Listen, slow growth is better than no growth and I am certainly not ashamed of my speed. Dimple (my mom) told me for years over and over about how slow I was and I’m so glad we get to choose our environments after a certain age. Who gives a flying fuxk how long I take to do the dishes or clean the house or cook the food now???? 🤣🤣 Not a fucking soul and I like it! No, I fucking love it.

I’m happy and grateful I get to take life at my own pace. I’m happy and grateful I get to live the way I choose to every single day. I am happy and grateful for success in all my businesses and art. I’m happy and grateful for all the doors that are opening and have opened in my life.
I’m super happy about all the closed ones. Bye 👋🏾 Felecias 😂

My kingdom, my rules. 😄

Check out the YouTube video.

I talk about giving yourself all the things you expect from others – especially the gift of consistency, discipline and all the luxuries your pretty little heart desires.

#adulting #adult #bipolar #bipolardisorder #rapidcycling #mooddisorder #mood #mentalhealth #mentalillness #mentalhealthawareness #resilient #slowprogress #growthmindset #growth #babysteps #Youtube #youtuber

Slow progress is better than no progress

What I Want For My Birthday

So my birthday is coming up on the winter solstice and as is typical for me; I am introspecting a lot these days. I am very pensive about my big life goals:

1. Earn my PhD by age 30

2. Own multiple successful businesses

3. Retire on my ranch by age 40

4. Be an integral part of the socioeconomic development of my hometown of Bath, St. Thomas, Jamaica.

Yeah, I know. Audacious.

I have been very focused these last 4 months on magnifying my better habits and minimizing and eliminating my poorer habits. I use the word poorer very consciously here because these are habits of poor people. Poor people have poor habits. Or at least, I think so. I am so happy and grateful that we get to choose who we are and who we are gonna be every single day through conscious and intentional actions.

On July 16, 2020 I decided against “living it up” the drinking, partying, smoking life. I said goodbye to it.

Today, November 30, 2020, I’m saying goodbye to these poor habits ;

1. Spending on credit more than I have in debit.

2. Stockpiling food. – I buy way more food than I need all the time. I know this habit is because of food insecurity in my earlier years and I am accepting that that is no longer my reality and I won’t “run out of” food. I have more than enough food.

You have more than enough food Imani.

3. Saving last. I’ve been spending first and saving what’s left for the past month and I don’t like it. For 2 months this past summer and beginning of Fall I saved and invested first then spent after. I spent very little those two months and I felt so happy with my financial position and goals. Then big life changes happened and I struggled to find my balance again.

So cheers to gifting myself wealthier habits this Birthday 🥳 and Christmas 🎄😃😇

#babysteps #faithit #growth #growthmindset #goaldigger #success #wealth #goals #birthday #christmas

It is in trying that we do

Mental Health Check in

I don’t even know how I’m doing it at this point. But best believe I am.

Having a routine is very important for staying productive and excelling living with a mental illness. Today, I am happy and grateful to live in this country 🇨🇦 as it has opened the doors to opportunities for me to live my dreams every single day and most importantly I have access to affordable and good healthcare. My therapist and I worked on my schedule in summer when I was manic because I told her I don’t want to lose my momentum again this year when depression sets in and I was consistent and disciplined and look at me now kicking depression’s lazy, tired bum 🤸🏾‍♀️😃

People often think depression means sadness. On the contrary, depression is exhaustion, mental fatigue and fogginess.

Depression is needing 10hrs of sleep vs 5-8hrs during mania

Depression is enjoying my solitude even more. Being much more crass about wasting my time on frivolous conversations and get togethers with people I don’t even like 🤣. Yeah, it’s a no for me.

Depression is ignoring calls and texts from the empty people. The people who call just to make noise blah blah blah
Idgaf about the weather; it is free to exists as it sees best. Idgaf about your relationship problems; leave di bwoi or gal and stop telling me how unhappy you are.

Depression is art. It’s diving deep into my soul and working on my healing and personal growth away from all the noise and people.

Alright mi done now. Yuh must get it. ✌🏾

Model

I’m mid twenties and a model. My personal brand epitomizes the strength of a young woman with an “invisible” disability who shares her journey to self actualization while not just coping but thriving. I believe my transparency has inspired and continues to inspire others to commit to their goals regardless of their personal afflictions or perceived weaknesses.

Faith

Model

I’m mid twenties and a model. My personal brand epitomizes the strength of a young woman with an “invisible” disability who shares her journey to self actualization while not just coping but thriving. I believe my transparency has inspired and continues to inspire others to commit to their goals regardless of their personal afflictions or perceived weaknesses.

Faith

What He Should Have Said

You belong here

You earned this just as much as anyone else here

You are a excellent as the rest

You bring value to this team

You are competent in areas we are lacking and we are happy and grateful you decided to join us

Instead I was told;

You’re too egotistic. It’s likely your greatest flaw but has the potential to be your greatest strength for a scientist needs to be audacious.

You have to work 3x as hard as the others.

You started 4 months late but you need to be on the same page as everyone else

No Shit.

Wear It Like the Moon

I wear my darkness like the moon

I wear my darkness as though it serenades me

I wear my darkness like the most expensive headdress

I wear my darkness not like an armour but like the moon does

Like it serves me and not the other way around

Wear It Like the Moon

I wear my darkness like the moon

I wear my darkness as though it serenades me

I wear my darkness like the most expensive headdress

I wear my darkness not like an armour but like the moon does

Like it serves me and not the other way around

POC

Person of Colour

How is that not the same as calling me coloured?

How is that not the same as labeling me; nigger

The “little nigger baby”

Honestly, I think knowledge of history has traumatized me

I think the saying “ignorance is bliss” finally makes sense

There is a reason why some folks are blissful…

Naive.

Living in this country I feel as though slavery never ended

It just evolved

Haha

It just changed form

But, it’s still very much here

Segregation and apartheid like circumstances still exist

They just got better at hiding it

I still meet the house slaves

Who swear upon their lives that they are “free”

Poor thing.

I’m human.

That’s it. The end.

Reassurance

Every now and then I have a sort of revelation; like a lightbulb goes off in my head, or I’m alone musing and I Wah my finger and nod my head and say “ahhhh!” And I chuckle because some part of me knows that everyone else has probably figured that out by now but hey, repetition is the art of consistency and comprehension and habit formation.

Well, I have had this idea for a while that everyone we meet is an extension of ourselves, they are a part of us in a reflection kinda way. You know, the things we see in them are the things we see in ourselves. I hope I haven’t lost you.

Dissociating

I’m so good at running on autopilot; Living with my VR googles on…Sometimes my eyes gloss over and it looks like I’m seeing but I really am not. Dissociating a lot lately 😟

I remember hanging out with a friend I’d met on my first stint in Canada 2015. I was manic that entire year 🤷🏾‍♀️ – undiagnosed and untreated. He was reminiscing about some of the stuff we did and I had little to no recollection of those events 😄 he had pictures and messages to prove it happened. Me: Ooops 🤷🏾‍♀️ I must have been dissociating. Which often happens unconsciously due to stress. My logic is, the brain does this to protect me from the stress so I can continue living and functioning relatively “normally”.

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